Can I SMILE today?

[sandsys]

This is NOT my story. I don't drink coffee.

 

Linda Sand

 

 

 

Life just gets better as you get older…

 

 

 

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to relieve the build-up of noxious gas in my belly. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment, I timed the release to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

 

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod, with my earphones.

 

This is what happens when old people start using technology!

[Trucken]

With ammunition being in short supply theses days Bubba makes a big score.

After waiting in line for a hour he gets the last box of 22’s. and the people behind him let out sigh of despair.

Getting into his truck a pretty girl walks up and says, saw you got the last box of 22’s. and I was wondering would you consider swapping sex for ammo.

Sure Bubba said, what kind of ammo do you have.

[sandsys]

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Enjoy!

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. (ever been to K MART)

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Spread the Laughter
Share the Cheer
Let's Be Happy
While We're here!!

[sandsys]

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.

As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by,

put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window,

looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!

[sandsys]

 

It happened every Friday evening, almost without fail, when the sun resembled a giant orange and was starting to dip into the blue ocean.

Old Ed came strolling along the beach to his favorite pier. Clutched in his bony hand was a bucket of shrimp. Ed walks out to the end of the pier, where it seems he almost has the world to himself. The glow of the sun is a golden bronze now.

Everybody's gone, except for a few joggers on the beach. Standing out on the end of the pier, Ed is alone with his thoughts...and his bucket of shrimp.

Before long, however, he is no longer alone. Up in the sky a thousand white dots come screeching and squawking, winging their way toward that lanky frame standing there on the end of the pier.

Before long, dozens of seagulls have enveloped him, their wings fluttering and flapping wildly. Ed stands there tossing shrimp to the hungry birds. As he does, if you listen closely, you can hear him say with a smile, 'Thank you. Thank you.'

In a few short minutes the bucket is empty. But Ed doesn't leave.

He stands there lost in thought, as though transported to another time and place.

When he finally turns around and begins to walk back toward the beach, a few of the birds hop along the pier with him until he gets to the stairs, and then they, too, fly away. And old Ed quietly makes his way down to the end of the beach and on home.

If you were sitting there on the pier with your fishing line in the water, Ed might seem like 'a funny old duck,' as my dad used to say. Or, to onlookers, he's just another old codger, lost in his own weird world, feeding the seagulls with a bucket full of shrimp.

To the onlooker, rituals can look either very strange or very empty. They can seem altogether unimportant ... maybe even a lot of nonsense.

Old folks often do strange things,
at least in the eyes of Boomers and Busters.

Most of them would probably write Old Ed off, down there in Florida . That's too bad. They'd do well to know him better.

His full name: Eddie Rickenbacker. He was a famous hero in World War I, and then he was in WWII. On one of his flying missions across the Pacific, he and his seven-member crew went down. Miraculously, all of the men survived, crawled out of their plane, and climbed into a life raft.

Captain Rickenbacker and his crew floated for days on the rough waters of the Pacific. They fought the sun. They fought sharks. Most of all, they fought hunger and thirst. By the eighth day their rations ran out. No food. No water. They were hundreds of miles from land and no one knew where they were or even if they were alive. Every day across America millions wondered and prayed that Eddie Rickenbacker might somehow be found alive.

The men adrift needed a miracle. That afternoon they had a simple devotional service and prayed for a miracle. They tried to nap. Eddie leaned back and pulled his military cap over his nose. Time dragged on. All he could hear was the slap of the waves against the raft...

Suddenly, Eddie felt something land on the top of his cap.
It was a seagull!

Old Ed would later describe how he sat perfectly still, planning his next move. With a flash of his hand and a squawk from the gull, he managed to grab it and wring its neck. He tore the feathers off, and he and his starving crew made a meal of it - a very slight meal for eight men. Then they used the intestines for bait. With it, they caught fish, which gave them food and more bait . . . and the cycle continued. With that simple survival technique, they were able to endure the rigors of the sea until they were found and rescued after 24 days at sea.

Eddie Rickenbacker lived many years beyond that ordeal, but he never forgot the sacrifice of that first life-saving seagull... And he never stopped saying, 'Thank you.' That's why almost everyFriday night he would walk to the end of the pier with a bucket full of shrimp and a heart full of gratitude.

Reference:
(Max Lucado, "In The Eye of the Storm", pp..221, 225-226)

PS: Eddie Rickenbacker was the founder of Eastern Airlines. Before WWI he was race car driver. In WWI he was a pilot and became America's first ace. In WWII he was an instructor and military adviser, and he flew missions with the combat pilots. Eddie Rickenbacker is a true American hero. And now you know another story about the trials and sacrifices that brave men have endured for your freedom.

As you can see, I chose to pass it on.
It is a great story that many don't know...You've got to be careful with old guys, You just never know what they have done during their lifetime.

[desertranger]

Thank you.

[skp51443]

I wish he was around here, I just had to pick up dog poop that someone kindly deposited on our sidewalk.

 

Beware PoopMan!! http://bitsandpieces.us/2013/07/19/pick-up-after-your-dog-or-face-the-wrath-of-poopman/

[sandsys]

A computer friend just sent this to another group and I thought you all might enjoy it:

 

Was sitting on the porch yesterday and noticed two lizards (chameleons) on the railing--what I presume to be the male kept trying to climb on top of the female (well, who knows, might have been another male) and he kept falling off, would then make another attempt, fall off and "she" kpt on moving with his valiant attempts to mount her...it occurred to me I was witnessing REPTILE DYSFUNCTION!!!

[skp51443]

Got what was being called an e-reptile failure on the Suse Linux servers, the lizard looking a bit more healthy is the usual mascot.

 

[sandsys]

 

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, thi

s

started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

[sandsys]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off
first the right welly, followed by the left.


He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move
lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over
his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his
tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat
cap on to a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Mick' says Paddy

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Mick, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor . "

[skp51443]

funny - even if it is a spider

 

[marspec2003]

Perhaps you Floridians were aware of this --

 

Get Out Of The Car!

This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida: An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to ...her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! GET OUT OF THE CAR!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

 

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

 

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable!

[RV_]

[desertranger]

ROFL!!

[Rose86]

Ahahaha, this thread made my day!

[skp51443]

As I age I find it amazing that the only room I'm sure I'll remember why I entered is the bathroom.

[sandsys]

As I age I find it amazing that the only room I'm sure I'll remember why I entered is the bathroom.

Until you get in the shower then remember you came in to brush your teeth.

 

Linda Sand

[RV_]

John Cleese, typical Monty Python on Stupidity. Hilarious! So true!

A 62 second You Tube video only I'm afraid.

[Trucken]

Took Grandkids to St Augustine for the day. Seeing the oldest school house, Grand Daughter asked if that was the school I went too.

Young Mothers in next bench thought that was hilarious.

I replied, no I didn’t, since you are so smart, you can have all the candy you want on the way home, and we will get that drum you wanted too.

Grandkids are so much fun.
Trucken

[skp51443]

This topic has gone unused far too long! Came across some different ideas for selfie sticks that I liked.

Many problems with the old way of doing things caused someone to invent the selfie stick.

http://techcrunch.com/2015/01/09/selfish-sticks/


Asking for help worked but the quality was always iffy:



Do it yourself method was not a bad idea

http://www.selfieonastick.com/




Well some versions were't a bad idea anyway, this one not so much

http://belfiestick.com/



And this one is way over the top but maybe actually a good thing

http://flynixie.com/






This sort of sums up my opinion for most situations though

[sandsys]

 

Love this Chinese Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

[RV_]

Hi Sweetheart,
I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights. I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something. I realize that I was wrong and I apologize for being such a hard-headed guy. All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season. Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights! I took the time to hang the lights for you today; and now I will be off to the hockey rink.
Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday. I'll be home later.

Love you……
_____________________________________

Her response -
Hi Honey,

Thank you for that heart-felt apology. I don't often get an apology from you, and I truly appreciate it. I, too, felt bad about the argument and wanted to apologize. I realize I can sometimes be a little pushy. I will try to respect your feelings from now on. Thank you for taking the time to hang the Christmas lights for me. It really means a lot. In the spirit of giving, I washed your truck for you; and now I am off to the mall.
I love you too!


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[bigjim]

Another reason to be happily single.

[rvpopeye]

a friend in TX sent me that one just before Christmas. I just got another one about golf buddies I'll have to go see if I can find.....

 

OK here it is.

 

True
Friendship Among Golfing
Buddies

This guy brings his best golf
mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf. His wife
screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens
to the tirade.

"My bloody hair
& makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes
aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I
can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring
him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting
married."