Can I SMILE today?

[sandsys]

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?



Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



























The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 









 

 

2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?























 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?



Wrong Answer.



Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions. 


















 

 

 

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals  attend .... Except one. 

Which animal does not attend? 


























 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Correct Answer: The Elephant.

The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

This tests your memory.

 

 

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities. 

 










4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

























Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across.

Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. 






 

 

 

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.   Anderson Consulting says this conclusively  proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.  

[CoolJudy]

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

 

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

 

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

 

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

 

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

 

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

 

So I wrote down: ID10T

[floridadeb]

Important Women's Health Issue

 

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

 

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

 

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

 

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

 

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who would like to become pregnant are encouraged to try it.

 

**Side effects may include: Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, uncontrolled lust, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, table dancing, headache, dehydration, and a desire to sing Karaoke.

 

**WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not, may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them, may cause you to think you can sing, may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.*

 

* Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas. Thank you. *

[skp51443]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

 

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

 

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

 

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

 

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

 

He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally….I assumed you had stolen the car.”

[skp51443]

Dog poop? A problem of the past with this great new technology!

 

 

Don't blame me if your dog refuses to go for another walk after they see this device!

[bigjim]

Stan, please, please. please tell me you dummied this up as a joke. I can barely type or see the screen through the tears of laughter. PT Barnum is back from the beyond. Can Houdini be far behind.

[skp51443]

I don't make them up I just post them.

[Guest leftyf]

You couldn't get my dog to go out in public wearing that thing..or so she says.

 

Also, the bag ain't big enough....

[sandsys]

Church Ladies With typewriters . . .

 

 

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

 

 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up yours'

[sandsys]

And They Ask:

Why Do I Like Retirement !!!

 

 

Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

 

 

 

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

 

 

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

 

 

 

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

 

 

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

 

 

 

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

 

 

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?

Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

 

 

 

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

Answer: NUTS!

 

 

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

 

 

 

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?

Answer: Normal .

 

 

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?

Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

 

 

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

 

 

 

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?

Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

 

 

 

And, my very favorite....

QUESTION: What do you do all week?

Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

[sandsys]

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys

keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them.

Mom said: "You should say NO to Ricky - he and the other boys only want to

look at your undies".

Susie said: "I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack!"

[CoolJudy]

Lipstick in Catholic School (You've got to love this principal)

 

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

 

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.Finally the principal, Sister Paschal, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns fromthe little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Paschal asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

 

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

 

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

 

 

There are teachers.... and then there are educators

[HamRad]

Judy,

That is so funny and very clever! I actually hope it was true!

[CoolJudy]

GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE

 

Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please Leave your message after you hear the beep. beeeeeppp ...

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want to borrow the car, press 3

If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or have it delivered to your home, press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money, dial 9

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

[etwo4788]

Yesterday my neighbor lady asked me if I would be going to the Red Hat luncheon with the other women in our park..... She said that's what we all do to "get in touch with our inner...bitch"....... not inner child!

[sandsys]

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY. FOR THOSE THAT DON'T, IT IS A TRUE STORY.

 

 

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

 

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

 

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

 

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

 

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

 

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, and then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

 

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

 

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

 

(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

 

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

 

(1) eat less,

(2) don't ask for money all the time,

(3) are easier to train,

(4) normally come when called,

(5) never ask to drive the car,

(6) don't smoke or drink,

(7) don't want to wear your clothes,

(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...

[Dutch&Di]

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota ,

takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

 

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said

'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and

my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.'

 

The doctor told him, 'Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in

a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but

leave it in there as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors

and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all

together...quite an impressive work of art.

 

Olaf mentions none of this to Lena , marries her, and they

go on their honeymoon to Duluth .

 

That night in the motel 6, Lena rips open her blouse to

reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, 'Olaf...you' re the

first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.'

 

Olaf immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis

Lena ..still in DA CRATE!

 

Hugs, Di

[sandsys]

[Name deleted to protect the guilty] recently told a true story about the pastor of his church.

 

He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

 

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

 

The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

 

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.

 

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?'

 

She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

[Trucken]

Some here might have this condition

 

1st old guy: Hate getting old, I have a hard time peeing in the morning.

 

2nd old guy, I understand completely, I have a hard time pooping in the morning too.

 

Turning to the 3rd old guy, they said, do you have this old age problem too.

 

No # 3 said, I pee right at 6 am and right after I have a great B/M.

 

Aren’t you lucky they both say, wish we could be that way!

 

Well don’t wish too hard, seems like I don’t wake up till 10am.

 

 

TRUCKEN

[sandsys]

The Seniors are at it again:

The Hotel Bill

 

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant

birthday by staying overnight in one of Chicago 's most expensive hotels.

 

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her

a bill for $250.00.

 

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice

hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight

stop without even breakfast."

 

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on

speaking to the Manager.

 

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel

has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available

for use."

 

'But I didn't use them," she said.

 

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

 

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows

for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York,

Los Angeles, and Las Vegas performing here," the Manager said.

 

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

 

Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

 

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,

"But I didn't use it!"

 

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a check

and gave it to the Manager.

 

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But madam, this check is only made out for $50.00."

 

"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

 

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

 

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

 

 

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

[skp51443]

I have no idea who he is, somebody in the NBA, but the jokes are getting good!

 

 

Did you hear that LeBron only gave the homeless guy $0.75 when he was asked for a dollar?

LeBron felt bad about it too but he didn't have a fourth quarter.

 

Why can't you get LeBron to answer his cell phone?

It hasn't got a ring either.

 

LeBron James was just traded to the Florida Panthers.

He should be wildly successful, since in the NHL, there are only 3 periods.

 

Why did LeBron James get an automatic transmission in his Lamborghini?

He's not good in the clutch.

 

Tomorrow is Lebron James day, everyone gets to leave work 12 minutes early.

 

 

http://www.google.com/#sclient=psy&hl=en&source=hp&q=lebron+james+jokes

 

Posted by a guy who sprained his ankle when he stepped on the ball while dribbling... :0

[sandsys]

WORDS WE DON'T HEAR ANYMORE...BUT MAYBE WE SHOULD SAY THEM MORE TO OUR KIDS

 

 

Be sure to refill the ice trays, we're having company.

 

Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter to Willie in the mail today.

 

Quit slamming the screen door when you go out!

 

Be sure to pull the windows down when you leave, looks like a shower's coming.

 

Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.

 

Wash your feet before you go to bed, you've been playing outside all day barefooted.

 

Why can't you remember to roll up your britches legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain keeps tearing them up.

 

You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there's nothing left to patch.

 

Don't you go outside with your school clothes on!

 

Go comb your hair; it looks like rat's nest.

 

Be sure to pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.

 

Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.

 

Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it.

 

Quit jumping on the floor! It will make my cake fall if you don't.

 

Let me know when the Fuller Brush (Jewel Tea, Standard, etc) man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.

 

You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off.

 

There's a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town.

 

Open the back door to see if we can get a breeze through here, it's getting hot.

 

You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise.

 

Don't sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes.

 

If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!

 

Don't lose that button; I'll sew it back on after while.

 

Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.

 

Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping the peddle when it's not running messes up the thread!

 

Be sure to fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do it tonight in the dark.

 

Take this old magazine to the toilet with you when you go, we are almost out of paper out there.

 

Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water to wash dishes.

 

Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery full when the Opry comes on.

 

No! I don't have 10 cents for you to go to the picture show. Do you think money grows on trees?

 

Eat those turnips, they'll make you big and strong like your daddy.

 

That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how cold it is out there, dogs don't stay in the house.

 

Sit still! I'm trying to cut your hair straight and you keep moving.

 

Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that! I'll wash your mouth out with soap!

 

It's time for your system to be cleaned out. I'm going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight or (uh oh...tha dreaded) ENEMA.

 

If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you'll get another one when you get home.

 

Quit crossing your eyes! They'll get stuck that way!

 

Soak your foot in this pan of kerosene...that bad cut won't get infected.

 

When you take your driving test, don't forget to signal each turn. Left arm straight out the window for a left turn; left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn; and straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop.

 

It's: 'Yes Ma'am!' and 'No Ma'am!' to me, and don't you forget it! Show respect.

 

 

Bring back any Memories?

[Jack Mayer]

Interesting....on the driving thing. We were taught hand signals when I learned to drive and the state tested for them. And I am not that old...this was in the 60's.

[sandsys]

Interesting....on the driving thing. We were taught hand signals when I learned to drive and the state tested for them. And I am not that old...this was in the 60's.

And an arm hanging down but swinging back and forth means the driver is slowing down. We learned all that when we were still riding bicycles. I still appreciate it when a cyclist signals a turn. But, I hate when today's drivers fly their arms out the window because I never know if they mean anything by it.

 

Linda Sand

[sandsys]

Attitude

 

 

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror,

And noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

'Well,' she said, 'I think I'll braid my hair today.'

So she did and she had a wonderful day.

 

 

 

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror

And saw that she had only two hairs on her head.

'H-M-M,' she said, 'I think I'll part my hair down the middle today.'

So she did and she had a grand day.

 

 

 

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed

That she had only one hair on her head.

'Well,' she said, 'today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail.'

So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.

 

 

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and

Noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

'YAY!' she exclaimed. 'I don't have to fix my hair today!'

 

 

Attitude is everything.