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Can I SMILE today?


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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know,

"that the medication you prescribed has

to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition

because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

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Now I love that one. My mom was supposed to take thyroid medication the rest of her life. They only gave her one prescription, no refill, so she did not take it anymore after she finished her one prescription. Doc noticed it at next visit and corrected the error.

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A WELL PLANNED LIFE????

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.

One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school,

Did you manage to live a well planned life? "

" Yes," said her friend.

"My first marriage was to a millionaire;

my second marriage was to an actor;

my third marriage was to a preacher;

and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked,

 

"What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money,

two for the show,

three to get ready,

and four to go!"

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Way toooooo funny!!! I had to send the photo on to others but warned parents not to let their little ones see our little friend. If he is like my grandson he'll decided that is what he wants to wear for Halloween. icon_eek.gif

 

Thanks for all the SMILES today. There seems to be a lot of sad or frustrating posts lately. This was a nice change of pace. Maybe we need a HUMOR thread.

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists... Two men and a woman.

 

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

 

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

 

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

 

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

 

"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

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Sad News

 

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed recently.

 

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

 

Hush up. You know it's funny. icon_biggrin.gif

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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.†The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.â€

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HANDY CONVERSION TABLE

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billi gram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knot fur long

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahertz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhose

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Cornell University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

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A Lady with few skills applied at the toy factory for a job. After much searching the manager finally found a post for her and told her to report to work the next morning for work at 8AM.

At 8:45 the floor manager appeared at the managers door pulling out his hair. "Please you have got to do something about the new hire. The toy line is backed up so bad we are now 3 days behind schedule."

The manager went down and observed the lady. There she sat placing two balls in each piece of fabric and sewing them on to the toy.

Slapping himself in the forehead the manager screamed: " NO...no...no

 

 

 

"I told you to give Elmo two test TICKLES!"

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Subject: Tick Warning

 

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times...but this one is real, and it's important...I checked with Snopes.

 

So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

 

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warming weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!

 

IT IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.

 

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid!

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This is not a laugh, but definitely a Smile, and a tug on your heart.

 

The video is awesome and it's here: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2306376850295808016

 

Here's more of the story:

 

Strongest Dad in the World

 

[From Sports Illustrated, By Rick Reilly]

 

I try to be a good father. Give my kids mulligans. Work nights to pay

for their text messaging. Take them to swimsuit shoots.

 

But compared with Dick Hoyt, I suck.

 

Eighty-five times he's pushed his disabled son, Rick, 26.2 miles in

marathons. Eight times he's not only pushed him 26.2 miles in a

wheelchair but also towed him 2.4 miles in a dinghy while swimming and pedaled him 112 miles in a seat on the handlebars--all in the same day.

 

Dick's also pulled him cross-country skiing, taken him on his back

mountain climbing and once hauled him across the U.S. on a bike. Makes taking your son bowling look a little lame, right?

 

And what has Rick done for his father? Not much--except save his life.

 

This love story began in Winchester, Mass., 43 years ago, when Rick was

strangled by the umbilical cord during birth, leaving him brain-damaged

and unable to control his limbs.

 

``He'll be a vegetable the rest of his life;'' Dick says doctors told

him and his wife, Judy, when Rick was nine months old. ``Put him in an

institution.''

 

But the Hoyts weren't buying it. They noticed the way Rick's eyes

followed them around the room. When Rick was 11 they took him to the engineering department at Tufts University and asked if there was anything to help the boy communicate. ``No way,'' Dick says he was told. ``There's nothing going on in his brain.''

 

"Tell him a joke,'' Dick countered. They did. Rick laughed. Turns out a

lot was going on in his brain.

 

Rigged up with a computer that allowed him to control the cursor by

touching a switch with the side of his head, Rick was finally able to

communicate. First words? ``Go Bruins!'' And after a high school

classmate was paralyzed in an accident and the school organized a charity run for him, Rick pecked out, ``Dad, I want to do that.''

 

Yeah, right. How was Dick, a self-described ``porker'' who never ran

more than a mile at a time, going to push his son five miles? Still, he

tried. ``Then it was me who was handicapped,'' Dick says. ``I was sore for two weeks.''

 

That day changed Rick's life. ``Dad,'' he typed, ``when we were running,

it felt like I wasn't disabled anymore!''

 

And that sentence changed Dick's life. He became obsessed with giving

Rick that feeling as often as he could. He got into such hard-belly shape

that he and Rick were ready to try the 1979 Boston Marathon.

 

``No way,'' Dick was told by a race official. The Hoyts weren't quite a

single runner, and they weren't quite a wheelchair competitor. For a few

years Dick and Rick just joined the massive field and ran anyway, then

they found a way to get into the race officially: In 1983 they ran another

marathon so fast they made the qualifying time for Boston the following

year.

 

Then somebody said, ``Hey, Dick, why not a triathlon?''

 

How's a guy who never learned to swim and hadn't ridden a bike since he

was six going to haul his 110-pound kid through a triathlon? Still, Dick

tried.

 

Now they've done 212 triathlons, including four grueling 15-hour

Ironmans in Hawaii. It must be a buzzkill to be a 25-year-old stud getting passed by an old guy towing a grown man in a dinghy, don't you think?

 

Hey, Dick, why not see how you'd do on your own? ``No way,'' he says.

Dick does it purely for ``the awesome feeling'' he gets seeing Rick with a

cantaloupe smile as they run, swim and ride together.

 

This year, at ages 65 and 43, Dick and Rick finished their 24th Boston

Marathon, in 5,083rd place out of more than 20,000 starters. Their best

time'? Two hours, 40 minutes in 1992--only 35 minutes off the world

record, which, in case you don't keep track of these things, happens to be held by a guy who was not pushing another man in a wheelchair at the time.

 

``No question about it,'' Rick types. ``My dad is the Father of the

Century.''

 

And Dick got something else out of all this too. Two years ago he had a

mild heart attack during a race. Doctors found that one of his arteries

was 95% clogged. ``If you hadn't been in such great shape,'' one doctor told him, ``you probably would've died 15 years ago.''

 

So, in a way, Dick and Rick saved each other's life.

 

Rick, who has his own apartment (he gets home care) and works in Boston, and Dick, retired from the military and living in Holland, Mass., always find ways to be together. They give speeches around the country and compete in some backbreaking race every > weekend, including this Father's Day.

 

That night, Rick will buy his dad dinner, but the thing he really wants

to give him is a gift he can never buy.

 

``The thing I'd most like,'' Rick types, ``is that my dad sit in the

chair and I push him once.''

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That's a beautiful story! Now, for another. What goes around, comes around, right?

 

Today, our daughter, Nanci, took her two boys to the Illinois State Fair. Unaware that she wasn't at work and on her lunch break, I called to ask a question, and got Rexx (age 11) on the line first. When he passed the phone to his Mom. he told her to be sure to tell Nanna about what Maxx (9) said. Oh, oh.... what'd Maxx come up with now?!!

 

Well, as they were wandering around the fairgrounds, as families will on fair day, all of a sudden, Nanci grabbed both boys and hollered, "Cow Show! RUN!!" And, she took off sprinting towards the show arena. They settled into the seats she found for them, and tried to ascertain just what was the point of two non-farm boys watching a bunch of cows when there was a perfectly good arcade not far distant. She patiently explained to them that going to the cow 'show' at State Fair with her Dad (their beloved Papa!) was one of her favorite parts of growing up..... they weren't buying. They finally convinced her their time could be better spent.... and they left the arena area. But, as they turned the corner, she saw a dairy cow demo.... and noted that kids were invited to try their hands at milking. She urged the boys to give it a try. Un, hu, no way, not those two! Rexx just gave his Mom a look that said he was sure she'd lost her marbles. Maxx flat-out refused, informing her, "Mommmm, WE DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT COW HAS BEEN, YOU KNOW!" That's our Maxx!!!

 

We've been laughing all afternoon!

 

Smile, everyone..... just think: most of us have raised our kids and what our grandkids do and say is just funny, not irritating! Lee

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