Can I SMILE today?

[skp51443]

Judy, a friend's cat drank like that, even turned on the single-lever faucet on its own. Almost always funny to watch but one time they had no sewer but did have a water hookup. The cat didn't know to shut the water off when it had finished and flooded the rig while they were gone for the day.

[sandsys]

> CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

>

> I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we

> could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple

> advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.

>

> Dr. Oz proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish

> all the things you have started and have never finished.'

> So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and

> hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished

> off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of

> Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the

> cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how

> freaking good I feel right now.

> Pass this on if you know anyone you think might be in need of

> inner peace.

[tjones1935]

JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN

 

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

 

 

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,

 

athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign

 

around her neck.

 

 

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

 

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

 

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing,

 

he finally gives up..

 

 

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

 

 

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

 

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

 

 

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,

 

beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but

 

Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you

 

can have me'.

 

 

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he

 

does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens

 

with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

 

 

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he

 

has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company

 

to order the 7-day/50 pound program

 

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.... 'This is our most rigorous program..'

 

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

 

 

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular

 

guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck

 

that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

 

 

He lost 63 pounds that week.

[sandsys]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...

 

 

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

 

 

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

 

 

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

 

 

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

 

 

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

 

 

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

 

 

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

 

 

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it...

 

 

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee

 

 

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

 

 

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing..

 

 

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

 

 

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

 

 

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

 

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

 

 

 

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

[CoolJudy]

Subject: Two Italians on a Bus

 

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

 

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

 

'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! .. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

 

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

 

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who a talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.

 

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!!

[Trucken]

Little boy says: Daddy sits down and writes a few lines, calls it a poem and Reader Digest sends him $50.00

 

 

Second Boy says: My Daddy writes five line calls it a song and they send him a thousands dollars.

 

 

Third Boy says: Well every Saturday my Daddy writes a few lines and Sunday calls it a sermon and it takes six people to collect all the money.

[tjones1935]

Although these are listed as puns, even though they aren't very long, they qualify as GROANERS!

 

Puns for the Educated

 

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it".

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

 

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

 

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

 

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with...transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

 

5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression,.. "He who has a Tates is lost!"

 

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

 

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

 

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

[CoolJudy]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

 

On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

 

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

 

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

 

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

 

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

 

"Why, thank you very much," he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me."

 

"How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

 

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

 

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens..."

 

= = = = = = = = = = =

Especially gotta love old ladies - woo hoo! & do we have to tell men how to do everything!!?

[sandsys]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

 

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

 

(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

 

(3)Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

 

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission Don't Do It!

 

(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

 

(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

 

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' , that will bring on a 'whatever')

 

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying GO TO HELL

 

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

 

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!

[Duffer]

True story ...

 

My cousins daughter is Mrs. Jones and has a son named Cooper. This is from the Mom of one of her students....

 

"....Ethan asked me the other day if Mrs. Jones was pregnant, when I told him that you were he said "So she has a mini Cooper in there"? "

 

Kids say the darnest things!

[CoolJudy]

The Pink Glove Dance.... (This will make you smile.)

 

Emily (MacInnes) Somers, created, directed and choreographed this in Portland for her Medline glove division as a fundraiser for breast cancer awareness. This was all her idea to help promote their new pink gloves. I don't know how she got so many employees, doctors and patients to participate, but it started to really catch on and they all had a lot of fun doing it.

 

When the video gets 1 million hits, Medline will be making a huge contribution to the hospital, as well as offering free mammograms for the community. Please check it out. It's an easy and great way to donate to a wonderful cause, and who hasn't been touched by breast cancer.

 

The Pink Glove Dance

[sandsys]

A Nun Grading Papers

 

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

 

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

 

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

 

 

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

 

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK.. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

 

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

 

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

 

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

 

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

 

7 MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

 

 

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

 

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

 

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

 

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

 

 

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

 

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

 

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

 

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

 

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

 

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

 

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

 

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

 

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

 

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

 

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

 

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

 

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

 

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

[sandsys]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

 

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.'

 

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

 

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

 

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

 

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

 

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.'

 

The teacher sat down and cried.

[skp51443]

April Fool's has started!

 

http://blogs.pcworld.co.nz/pcworld/tux-lov..._microsoft.html

[sandsys]

MEMORY TEST!

 

 

This is NOT a pushover test.

 

There are 20 questions. Average score is 12 .

 

This one will be difficult for the younger set.

 

Have fun, but no peeking!

 

 

Good luck, youngsters.

 

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

 

 

 

 

1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?

 

 

 

A. Flintstones vitamins B. The Buttmaster

 

 

 

C. Spaghetti D. Wonder Bread

 

 

 

E. Orange Juice F. Milk

 

G.. Cod Liver Oil

 

 

 

 

 

2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...

 

A. Sugar Ray Robinson B. Roy Orbison

 

C. Gene Autry D. Rudolph Valentino

 

E. Fabian F. Mickey Mantle

 

G. Cassius Clay

 

 

 

 

 

3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and...

 

A. It's you B. He is us

 

C. It's the Grinch D. He wasn't home

 

E. He's really mean F. We quit

 

G. He surrendered

 

 

 

 

 

4. Good night David.

 

A. Good night Chet B. Sleep well

 

C. Good night Irene D. Good night Gracie

 

E. See you later alligator F. Until tomorrow

 

G. Good night Steve

 

 

 

 

 

5. You'll wonder where the yellow went...

 

A. When you use Tide B. When you lose your crayons

 

C. When you clean your tub D. If you paint the room blue

 

E. If you buy a soft water tank F. When you use Lady Clairol

 

G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

 

 

 

 

 

6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend...

 

A. Stuart Whitman B. Randolph Scott

 

C. Steve Reeves D. Maynard G. Krebbs

 

E. Corky B. Dork F. Dave the Whale

 

G. Zippy Zoo

 

 

 

 

 

7.. Liar, liar...

 

A. You're a liar B. Your nose is growing

 

C. Pants on fire D. Join the choir

 

E. Jump up higher F. On the wire

 

G. I'm telling Mom

 

 

 

 

 

8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and...

 

A. Wheaties B. Lois Lane

 

C. TV ratings D. World peace

 

E Red tights F. The American way

 

G. News headlines

 

 

 

 

 

9. Hey kids! What time is it?

 

A. It's time for Yogi Bear B It's time to do your homework

 

C. It's Howdy Doody Time D. It's Time for Romper Room

 

E. It's bedtime F. The Mighty Mouse Hour

 

G. Scooby Doo Time

 

 

 

 

 

10. Lions and tigers and bears...

 

A. Yikes B. Oh no

 

C. Gee whiz D. I'm scared

 

E. Oh my F. Help! Help!

 

G. Let's run

 

 

 

 

 

11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone...

 

A. Over 40 B. Wearing a uniform

 

C. Carrying a briefcase D. Over 30

 

E. You don't know F. Who says, 'Trust me'

 

G. Who eats tofu

 

 

 

 

 

12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's stockings...

 

A. Troy Aikman B. Kenny Stabler

 

C. Joe Namath D. Roger Staubach

 

E. Joe Montana F. Steve Young

 

G. John Elway

 

 

 

 

 

13. Brylcream...

 

A. Smear it on B. You'll smell great

 

C. Tame that cowlick D. Grease ball heaven

 

E.. It's a dream F. We're your team

 

G. A little dab'll do ya

 

 

 

 

 

14. I found my thrill...

 

A. In Blueberry muffins B. With my man, Bill

 

C. Down at the mill D. Over the windowsill

 

E. With thyme and dill F. Too late to enjoy

 

G. On Blueberry Hill

 

 

 

 

 

15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by....

 

A. Clark Gable B. Mary Martin

 

C. Doris Day D. Errol Flynn

 

E. Sally Fields F. Jim Carey

 

G. Jay Leno

 

 

 

 

 

16. Name the Beatles...

 

A. John, Steve, George, Ringo B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe

 

C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo

 

E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel

 

G. John, Paul, George, Ringo

 

 

 

 

 

17. I wonder, wonder, who.

 

A. Who ate the leftovers? B. Who did the laundry?

 

C. Was it you? D. Who wrote the book of love?

 

E. Who I am? F. Passed the test?

 

G. Knocked on the door?

 

 

 

 

 

18. I'm strong to the finish...

 

A. Cause I eats my broccoli B. Cause I eats me spinach

 

C. Cause I lift weights D. Cause I'm the hero

 

E. And don't you forget it F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me

 

G. To outlast Bruto

 

 

 

 

 

19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today

 

A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera

 

B. Smile, you're on Star Search

 

C. Smile, you won the lottery

 

D. Smile, we're watching you

 

E. Smile, the world sees you

 

F. Smile, you're a hit

 

G. Smile, you're on TV

 

 

 

 

 

20. What do M & M's do?

 

A. Make your tummy happy

 

B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket

 

C. Make you fat

 

D. Melt your heart

 

E. Make you popular

 

F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand

 

G. Come in colors

 

 

 

 

 

Below are the right answers:

 

1. D - Wonder Bread

 

2. G - Cassius Clay

 

3. B - He Is Us

 

4. A - Good night, Chet

 

5. G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

 

6. D - Maynard G. Krebbs

 

7. C - Pants On Fire

 

8. F - The American Way

 

9. C - It's Howdy Doody Time

 

10. E - Oh My

 

11. D - Over 30

 

12. C - Joe Namath

 

13. G - A little dab'll do ya

 

14. G - On Blueberry Hill

 

15. B - Mary Martin

 

16. G - John, Paul, George, Ringo

 

17. D - Who wrote the book of Love

 

18. B - Cause I eats me spinach

 

19. A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera

 

20. F - Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand

 

 

I got 20 and I only had to guess on one of them. How'd you do?

 

Linda Sand

an oldie but a goodie

[sandsys]

LEXOPHILES

 

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

 

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

 

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

 

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

 

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's

your Count that votes.

 

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

 

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

 

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

 

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you

A-flat miner.

 

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully

recovered.

 

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in

Linoleum Blownapart.

 

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

 

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

 

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

 

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

 

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

 

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

 

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

 

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small

medium at large.

 

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in

the end.

 

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

 

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

 

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought

she'd dye.

 

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

 

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

 

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

 

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

 

30. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir

Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it

turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

 

32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

 

33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class

because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little

behind in his work.

 

35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be

stationery.

 

36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for

littering.

 

37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police

are looking into it.

 

39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat

said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

 

41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit

me.

 

42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off

the Grass.'

 

43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a

hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse

said, 'No change yet.'

 

44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now

a seasoned veteran.

 

45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of

religion.

 

46. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

[sandsys]

Three Men on a Hike

 

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, Violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

 

 

Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs And he was able to swim

across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

 

 

 

After witnessing that, the second man prayed:

'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'

 

 

Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he

was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

 

 

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:

'God,please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'

 

 

Poof! .. He was turned into a woman.

She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

 

Linda Sand

[sandsys]

MOTHERS

 

Real Mothers don't eat quiche;

They don't have time to make it.

 

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils

Are probably in the sandbox.

 

Real Mothers often have sticky floors,

Filthy ovens and happy kids.

 

Real Mothers know that dried play dough

Doesn't come out of carpets.

 

Real Mothers don't want to know what

The vacuum just sucked up....

 

Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?'

And get their answer when a little

Voice says, 'Because I love you best..'

 

Real Mothers know that a child's growth

Is not measured by height or years or grade...

It is marked by the progression of Mommy to Mom to Mother........

[sandsys]

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.

 

They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.

 

He takes her hand and she responds, ''Don't touch me.''

 

''Why not?'' he asked.

 

She answered, ''Because I'm dead.''

 

The husband asked...''What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!''

 

She said, ''No, I'm definitely dead.''

 

He insisted, ''You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?''

 

 

''Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.''

[CoolJudy]

"Elk Sex"

 

Two guys are drinking in a bar:

One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?

 

"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"

[sandsys]

Why do we love children?

 

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

 

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

 

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

 

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

 

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.

Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

 

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.

'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

 

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

 

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'

'And why not, darling?' 'You

know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

 

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always

said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

 

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

 

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

 

 

 

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR

DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT.

[sandsys]

Southern Etiquette

 

In General...

 

1. Never take a beer to an interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's

rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.

 

 

Dining Out

 

1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the

paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your

hands.

 

 

 

Entertaining in your home

 

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by

a taxidermist.

 

Personal Hygiene

 

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done

in private using one's own truck keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.

3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they

tend too distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger

foods.

 

 

Dating (outside the family)

 

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first

date.

2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting

to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two

years ago.'

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some

will say 10:00 PM. Others might say 'Monday,' If the latter is the answer,

it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

 

 

Theater Etiquette

 

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up

immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests

have proven that they can't hear you.

 

 

Weddings

1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a

cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks! and shoes for this

special occasion.

 

Driving Etiquette

 

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is

loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest

tires does not always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is

impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession

[sandsys]

I Owe My Mother

 

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

 

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

 

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

“Because I said so, that's why."

 

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

 

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

 

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about...”

 

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

 

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA...

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

 

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

 

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

 

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

 

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"

 

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

 

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

 

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

 

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

 

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

 

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

 

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

 

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

 

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[CoolJudy]

Man of the House

 

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man

of Your House.'

 

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need

to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare

me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will

serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs

with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are

going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me

dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then

tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

 

The wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.'

[floridadeb]

Little Billy decided his lovable pooch Buster was ready for the big time and off they went to visit a talent scout.

 

"What's your talent?" the scout asked.

 

"My dog Buster here can talk", replied little Billy.

 

"Humph!" groused the skeptical interviewer. "Let's see a demonstaration".

 

"Buster, how does sandpaper feel?" asked Billy.

 

"Rough!", declared Buster.

 

"What's on the top of a house?"

 

"Roof" answered Buster without hesitation.

 

"Who's the best baseball player of all time?

 

"Ruth!" yelped Buster enthusiactically.

 

"Enough already!" interrupted the scout, "Get out of here!"

 

Heads lowered, as the pair walked home dejectedly, Buster looked up at his young master and asked, "Should I have said DiMaggio?"