Can I SMILE today?

[tjones1935]

Sex at 73

 

 

 

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,

 

informing me that I can have sex at 73!

 

 

I'm sooooo happy, because I live at unit 67.....

 

so it's not far to walk home afterwards

[sandsys]

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

[sandsys]

Reverend Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said:

 

DA END ISS NEAR!

TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW

BAFOR IT'S TOO LATE!

 

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave me alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

 

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, Bridge Out?"

[ParkyJordan]

LOL, thats funny

:lol:

[StarDreamers.us]

My 92 year old Uncle told this one the other day:

 

If you lock your wife and your pet dog in the trunk of the car for two hours and then open it, which one will be glad to see you.

 

Safe Travels!

[SIBERNUT]

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

 

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

 

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

 

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

 

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

 

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the s**t inside!"

[ParkyJordan]

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

 

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

 

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

 

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

 

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

 

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the s**t inside!"

 

thats an awesome joke,

[sandsys]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

 

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice!

3. Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field of all your checks, write "For marijuana".

6. Skip down the hall and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify that your drive-through order is 'To go'.

9. Sing along at the opera.

10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.

11. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I won! I won!'

12. When Leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling 'Run for your lives! They're loose!'

[ParkyJordan]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

 

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice!

3. Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field of all your checks, write "For marijuana".

6. Skip down the hall and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify that your drive-through order is 'To go'.

9. Sing along at the opera.

10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.

11. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I won! I won!'

12. When Leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling 'Run for your lives! They're loose!'

 

i am going to see how many i can do in september, thats my september challenge

[freespiritsin6]

Reverend Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said:

 

DA END ISS NEAR!

TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW

BAFOR IT'S TOO LATE!

 

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave me alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

 

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, Bridge Out?"

 

My eyes are still watering I am laughing so hard. I am 1/2 Norweigan and my mother sounds like that when she talks. I will have to send that one to my Uncle in Norway.

[sandsys]

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:

You have to love this lawyer........

 

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

 

(Actual reply from FHA):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual response):

 

"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus 's expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

 

 

The loan was immediately approved

[sandsys]

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light.

The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer

demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The

motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's

ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

 

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in

the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.

He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy

signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy

points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember

that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad

driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer

to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man

run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;

"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature

and mine, same number at the top.

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this

ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir?

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"

[sandsys]

GIRLFRIENDS

 

A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the

Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy

Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might

see him and they can ride their bikes there.

 

10 years later, the group of 25 year old girlfriends discussed where they should

meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean

View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was

good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

 

10 years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they

should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the

Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym

and if they go late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

 

10 years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they

should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the

Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waiters there had

tight pants and nice buns.

 

10 years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they

should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View

restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was good, they

had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your

cholesterol.

 

10 years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they

should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean

View restaurant because lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

 

10 years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they

should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean

View restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was handicapped

accessible and they even had an elevator!

 

10 years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they

should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean

View restaurant because they had never been there before.

[sandsys]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

[sandsys]

Two Women at the Pearly Gates

 

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.

 

Woman #1: I froze to death.

 

Woman #2: How horrible!

 

Woman #1: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

 

Woman #2: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

 

Woman #1: So what happened?

 

Woman #2: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

 

Woman #1: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive

[tjones1935]

Best cartoon I have seen in awhile and how true.....

 

http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/

[steves]

Two Women at the Pearly Gates

 

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.

 

Woman #1: I froze to death.

 

Woman #2: How horrible!

 

Woman #1: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

 

Woman #2: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

 

Woman #1: So what happened?

 

Woman #2: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

 

Woman #1: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive

 

 

Thank you, that is a terrific joke! I'm still laughing.

[sandsys]

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

 

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

 

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

 

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

 

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

 

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

 

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.

 

And God was pleased.

 

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

 

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

 

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

 

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

 

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

 

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

 

And they were greatly improved.

 

And God was pleased.

 

And Dog was happy.

 

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

[tjones1935]

AllI can say on this is AMEN"

 

 

Bellamy Brothers – Jalapenos Video:

[sandsys]

Air traffic control "conversations"?

 

 

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

 

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

 

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f#!%king bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f#!%king bored, not f#!%king stupid!"

 

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this. I've got the little Fokker in sight."

 

A student became lost during a solo flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

 

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

 

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

 

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

 

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.

The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

 

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

 

While taxiing at London's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.

Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[CoolJudy]

Texting Abbreviations for the Elderly

 

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

 

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

 

ROFLCGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing and Can't Get Up

 

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

 

LOL: Living On Lipitor

 

OMG: Oy, My Grandchildren!

 

OMG: Ouch, My Groin!

 

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

 

WTF: What's Today's Fish?

 

WTF: Wet The Furniture

 

IMHMO: In My HMO.

 

RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?

 

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

 

GTG: Gotta Groan

 

TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four (Four O'Clock - Early Bird Special)

 

FWB: Friend With Betablockers

 

FYI: For Your Indigestion.

 

JK: Just Kvetching

 

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

 

MILF: Meal I'd Like To Forget

 

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

 

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

 

MGAD: My Grandson's A Doctor

 

SUS: Speak Up, Sonny

 

WIWYA: When I Was Your Age (my favorite)

 

GOML: Get Off My Lawn

 

.

[Lavenders]

An old story out of Texas. I'm guessing a retired Marine...

 

Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign, or whatever, and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

 

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

 

"Yes, I am."

 

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

 

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

 

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

 

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

 

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

 

"Nope."

 

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

 

"Not a damn thing..."

[LFDR3116]

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

 

I am passing this on because it definitely works!

 

Simple Advice heard on the Dr Phil show, You Can Find Inner Piece! "The Way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.

 

So , I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving this morning, I FINISHED off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates -- and-- a half bottle of scotch.

 

You have no idea how good I feel right now!

 

Pass this on to anyone you think might be in need of inner piece.

[sandsys]

After the eighty-three year old lady

finished her annual physical

examination, the doctor said,

"You are in fine shape for your age,

Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you

still have intercourse?"

 

"Just a minute,

I'll have to ask my husband," she said.

She stepped out into the crowded

reception room and yelled out loud:

"Henry, do we still have intercourse?"

 

And there was a hush .

You could hear a pin drop.

 

Henry answered impatiently,

"If I told you once, Irma, I told

you a hundred times...What we have is...

 

 

 

 

Blue Cross!"

[sandsys]

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour...

but, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.