Can I SMILE today?

[fulltime snowbird]

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman', and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

 

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs that she could do.

 

" Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

 

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50 ?"

 

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house ?'

 

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it ?"

 

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

 

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

 

"Yes", the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

 

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50, and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

 

"And by the way" the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"

[sandsys]

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT

 

If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a table, because you are dead....

 

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

 

The wif e returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd.

 

She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.

 

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head..

[sandsys]

Funny......yet sad...54 years ago....

 

Comments made in the

year 1955!

 

'I'll tell you one thing, if things

keep going the way they are,

it's going to be impossible to

buy a week's groceries for

$10.00.

 

'Have you seen the new cars

coming out next year? It won't

be long before $1,000.00 will

only buy a used one.

 

'If cigarettes keep going up in

price, I'm going to quit. 20 cents

a pack is ridiculous.

 

'Did you hear the post office is

thinking about charging 7 cents

just to mail a letter

 

'If they raise the minimum wage

to $1.00, nobody will be able to

hire outside help at the store.

 

'When I first started driving, who

would have thought gas would

someday cost 25 cents a gallon.

Guess we'd be better off leaving

the car in the garage.

 

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the

movies any more Ever since they

let Clark Gable get by with saying

DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND,

it seems every new movie has

either HELL or DAMN in it.

 

'I read the other day where some

scientist thinks it's possible to put

a man on the moon by the end of

the century. They even have some

fellows they call astronauts

preparing for it down inTexas .

 

'Did you see where some baseball

player just signed a contract for

$50,000 a year just to play ball?

It wouldn't surprise me if someday

they'll be making more than the

President.

 

'I never thought I'd see the day

all our kitchen appliances would

be electric. They are even making

electric typewriters now.

 

'It's too bad things are so tough

nowadays. I see where a few

married women are having to

work to make ends meet.

 

'It won't be long before young

couples are going to have to hire

someone to watch their kids so

they can both work.

 

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car

is going to open the door to a

whole lot of foreign business.

 

'Thank goodness I won't live to

see the day when the Government

takes half our income in taxes. I

sometimes wonder if we are

electing the best people to

government.

 

'The drive-in restaurant is

convenient in nice weather,

but I seriously doubt they

will ever catch on.

 

'There is no sense going on short

trips anymore for a weekend, it

costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay

in a hotel.

 

'No one can afford to be sick

anymore, at $15.00 a day in

the hospital, it's too rich for

my blood.'

 

'If they think I'll pay 30 cents

for a hair cut, forget it.'

 

 

Know any friends

who would get a

kick out of these,

pass this on! Be

sure and send it

to your kids and

grandkids too!

[sandsys]

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes... I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas.

 

 

I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes.

 

Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.

 

'Hello Barry , how are you today?'

 

' H'lo , Mr. Miller . Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good.'

 

'They are good, Barry . How's your Ma?'

 

'Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time.'

 

'Good. Anything I can help you with?'

 

'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' th em peas.'

 

'Would you like to take some home?' asked Mr. Miller.

 

'No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.'

 

'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?'

 

'All I got's my prize marble here.'

 

'Is that right? Let me see it' said Miller.

 

'Here 'tis. She's a dandy.'

 

'I can see that. Hmm mmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?' the store owner asked.

 

'Not zackley but almost...'

 

'Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble'. Mr. Miller told the boy..

 

'Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller .'

 

Mrs. Miller , who had been standing nearby, came over to help me.

 

With a smile she said, 'There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever.

 

When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store.'

 

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado , but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.

 

Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died.. They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.

 

Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller , standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket.

 

Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and

moved on to the casket. Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in th e casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

 

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller .. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand

and led me to the casket.

 

'Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about.

 

They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim 'traded' them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size....they came to pay their debt.'

 

'We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,' she confided, 'but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho ...'

 

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

 

 

 

Send this to the people you'll never forget. I just Did...

 

If you don't send it to anyone, it means you are in way too much of a hurry to even notice the ordinary miracles when they occur.

[sandsys]

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

 

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;

He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the

Hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

 

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

 

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

 

 

This continued off and on for several weeks.

 

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

 

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.

Can I come with him tomorrow?'

[tjones1935]

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield - Because he said:

....

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to

time an egg.

 

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she

won't drink from my glass!

 

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy

negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

 

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went

over. Nobody was home!

 

A hooker once told me she had a

headache.

 

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

 

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

 

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you

going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself

now.'

 

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when

you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

 

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

 

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the

roaches hang themselves..

 

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

 

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him,

'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

 

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

 

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the

Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

 

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

 

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from

Chicago last night.

 

MY FAVORITE:

 

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have

had anything to play with.

[skp51443]

Fix for window condensation founf!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XC39oNlAfo&r...arch=0&hd=0

[Russ]

You know your really retired when happy hour becomes a NAP.

 

russ

[tjones1935]

Two old guys were chatting.....

 

 

One said to the other:

"My 70th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV".

 

Other guy responded:

"Wow, that's amazing!!.....Imagine, an

SUV!!..What a great gift!"

 

First guy:

"Yup".... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

[tjones1935]

Tool Definitions

 

 

 

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

 

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"

 

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

 

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

 

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

 

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit usually smashing the thumb that is holding the object that you are trying to pound into whatever it is that you are working on effectively eliminating the need for manicure care on that thumbnail for weeks. See: Som na b**ch TOOL

 

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

 

Som na b**ch TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Som na b**ch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[skp51443]

We need better road signs!

 

 

[sandsys]

Confucius Says:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in

Front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind

Car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one

Chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch butt

Should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many

Prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not

Determine who is right, war determine who is

Left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put

Husband in doghouse soon find him in

Cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like

Hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in

Glass house should change clothes in

Basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in

Other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator

Smell different to midget.

[sandsys]

Chocolate Christmas

 

Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips Were Fannie May candies

that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care,

In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

 

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps Had just settled down to

sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter, I sprang

from my bed to see what was the matter.

 

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash, Tore open the icebox then threw up the

sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a binge to my

body below.

 

When what to my wandering eyes should appear: A marzipan Santa with eight

chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a

second that I'd wind up sick.

 

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer, I closed my eyes tightly but

still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS A Weight

Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

 

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall Now dash away pounds; now dash

away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress My clothes were

all bulging from too much excess.

 

My droll little mouth and my round little belly They shook when I laughed like a

bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work Ate all of

the candy then turned with a jerk.

 

And laying a finger beside my heartburn Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I

turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry If temptation's removed I'll get

thin by and by.

 

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night "In the morning I'll starve...

'til I take that first bite!"

[sandsys]

GET YOUR KLEENEX FOR THIS ONE!

 

MAKE SURE YOU READ THIS POEM TO THE END

 

Daddy's Poem

 

Her hair was up in a pony tail,

her favorite dress tied with a bow.

Today was Daddy's Day at school,

and she couldn't wait to go.

 

But her mommy tried to tell her,

that she probably should stay home

Why the kids might not understand,

if she went to school alone.

 

But she was not afraid;

she knew just what to say.

What to tell her classmates

of why he wasn't there today.

 

But still her mother worried,

for her to face this day alone.

And that was why once again,

she tried to keep her daughter home.

 

But the little girl went to school

eager to tell them all.

About a dad she never sees

a dad who never calls.

 

There were daddies along the wall in back,

for everyone to meet.

Children squirming impatiently,

anxious in their seats.

 

One by one the teacher called

a student from the class.

To introduce their daddy,

as seconds slowly passed.

 

At last the teacher called her name,

every child turned to stare.

Each of them was searching,

a man who wasn't there.

 

"Where's her daddy at?"

She heard a boy call out.

"She probably doesn't have one,"

another student dared to shout.

 

And from somewhere near the back,

she heard a daddy say,

"Looks like another deadbeat dad,

too busy to waste his day."

 

The words did not offend her,

as she smiled up at her Mom.

And looked back at her teacher,

who told her to go on.

 

And with hands behind her back,

slowly she began to speak.

And out from the mouth of a child,

came words incredibly unique.

 

"My Daddy couldn't be here,

because he lives so far away.

But I know he wishes he could be,

since this is such a special day.

 

And though you cannot meet him,

I wanted you to know.

All about my daddy,

and how much he loves me so.

 

He loved to tell me stories

he taught me to ride my bike.

He surprised me with pink roses,

and taught me to fly a kite.

 

We used to share fudge sundaes,

and ice cream in a cone.

And though you cannot see him.

I'm not standing here alone.

 

"Cause my daddy's always with me,

even though we are apart

I know because he told me,

he'll forever be in my heart"

 

With that, her little hand reached up,

and lay across her chest.

Feeling her own heartbeat,

beneath her favorite dress.

 

And from somewhere there in the crowd

of dads, her mother stood in tears.

Proudly watching her daughter,

who was wise beyond her years.

 

For she stood up for the love

of a man not in her life.

Doing what was best for her,

doing what was a right.

 

And when she dropped her hand back down,

staring straight into the crowd.

She finished with a voice so soft,

but its message clear and loud.

 

"I love my daddy very much,

he's my shining star.

And if he could, he'd be here,

but heaven's just too far.

 

You see he is an American Soldier

and died just this past year

When a roadside bomb hit his convoy

and taught Americans to fear.

 

But sometimes when I close my eyes,

it's like he never went away."

And then she closed her eyes,

and saw him there that day.

 

And to her mother's amazement,

she witnessed with surprise.

A room full of daddies and children,

all starting to close their eyes.

 

Who knows what they saw before them,

who knows what they felt inside.

Perhaps for merely a second,

they saw him at her side.

 

"I know you're with me Daddy,"

to the silence she called out.

And what happened next made believers,

of those once filled with doubt.

 

Not one in that room could explain it,

for each of their eyes had been closed.

But there on the desk beside her,

was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.

 

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,

by the love of her shining star.

And given the gift of believing,

that heaven is never too far.

 

 

 

 

They say it takes a minute to find a special person,

an hour to appreciate them,

a day to love them,

but then an entire life to forget them.

 

Send this to the people you'll never forget

and remember to send it also to the person that sent it to you.

It's a short message to let them know that you'll never forget them.

 

If you don't send it to anyone, it means you're in a hurry

and that you've forgotten your friends.

 

 

Take the time...to live and love.

 

Until eternity..

 

 

God Bless

 

There must be many children in the same boat as this little girl,

thanks to our servicemen and their families for the

sacrifice they are making to keep our country Free.

The ULTIMATE sacrifice is being left behind.

Don't forget them.

[SKP099348]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist." That's when the proctologist fainted!!

[sandsys]

This is not new but a friend just pointed me to it and it made me laugh until I cried:

 

http://sports.espn.go.com/outdoors/general...tory?id=3509561

 

Linda Sand

[tjones1935]

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

 

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel

decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had

been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound

sleep.

 

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it

was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

 

A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor

of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

 

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

 

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

 

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

 

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

 

The room fell silent.

 

God Bless the enlisted man.

[sandsys]

Here's another DB episode: the Honey Wagon

 

http://sports.espn.go.com/outdoors/general...tory?id=3515749

 

Linda Sand

[tjones1935]

Sorry for the All Caps but did not feel like retyping it all and could not find a way to change it in Word 2007.

 

 

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I FINALLY GOT AROUND TO GOING FISHING THIS MORNIN' - BUT AFTER A WHILE, I RAN OUT OF WORMS.

 

 

 

 

 

THEN I SAW A COTTONMOUTH WITH A FROG IN HIS MOUTH, AND FROGS ARE GOOD BASS BAIT. KNOWING THE

SNAKE COULDN\'T BITE ME WITH THE FROG IN HIS MOUTH, I GRABBED HIM RIGHT BEHIND THE HEAD, TOOK

THE FROG AND PUT IT IN MY BAIT BUCKET.

 

NOW THE DILEMMA WAS HOW TO RELEASE THE SNAKE WITHOUT GETTING

BITTEN - SO I GRABBED MY BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS AND POURED A

LITTLE WHISKEY IN ITS MOUTH.

 

HIS EYES ROLLED BACK, HE WENT LIMP! I RELEASED HIM INTO THE LAKE

WITHOUT INCIDENT AND CARRIED ON WITH MY FISHING, USING THE FROG AS

BAIT.

 

A LITTLE LATER, I FELT A NUDGE ON MY FOOT.

 

THERE WAS THAT DAMN SNAKE WITH TWO FROGS IN HIS MOUTH!

[CoolJudy]

One of the places we have visited in our travels is called the UP, aka Upper Peninsula. That is a little neck of land in northern Michigan jutting out into one of the Great Lakes.

 

There was a wonderful animated movie last year called UP.

 

Here is a lot more information about UP. The following was in my email this morning:

 

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

 

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

 

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

 

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

 

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP ; look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

 

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

 

We could go on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so... Time to shut UP!

 

Oh... one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P !

[skp51443]

I can't leave this one up long as it is so big but given our average age and some of the gun topics lately I couldn't resist sharing.

 

 

[Rick & Karen]

A Redneck from Sweetwater, Texas walked into a bank in New

York City and asked for the loan officer.

 

He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an

international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow

$5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

 

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of

security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a

new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The

Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan

officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and

apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

 

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh

at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for

a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the

bank's private underground garage and parked it.

 

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the

interest of $23.07.

 

The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your

business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we

are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on

Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished

Alumni from Texas A&M, a highly sophisticated investor and

Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over

the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around

Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to

borrow $5,000?

 

The good 'ole Texas boy replied, 'Where else in New York City

can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be

there when I return?'

 

His name was BUBBA..

[sandsys]

A CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK

 

A man suffered a serious heart attack and

had open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find

himself in the

care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital . As he was

recovering a nun asked him

questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

 

She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'

 

He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health

insurance.' The nun asked,

'Do you have money in the bank?'

 

He replied, 'No money in the bank.'

 

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could

help you?'

 

He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a

nun.'

 

The nun became agitated and announced loudly,

'Nuns are not spinsters!

Nuns are married to God.'

 

The patient replied, 'Send the bill to my

brother-in-law.'

[sandsys]

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.

One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."

"I know," replied her companion. "I heard it snore three times."

[CoolJudy]

Here's a link to a funny YouTube video :

 

If you decide to forward it to friends, just send the link (instead of the entire download).

- CoolJudy