Can I SMILE today?

[sandsys]

Here's another god one sent to me I decided to pass on to you.

 

STONES

 

TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING

THROUGH THE DESERT .

DURING SOME POINT OF THE

JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN

ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND

SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE

IN THE FACE

 

THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED

WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT

SAYING ANYTHING,

WROTE IN THE SAND ,

 

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND

SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE .

 

THEY KEPT ON WALKING,

UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,

WHERE THEY DECIDED

TO TAKE A BATH

 

THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN

SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE

MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING,

BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.

 

AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM

THE NEAR DROWNING,

HE WROTE ON A STONE:

 

'TODAY MY BEST FRIEND

SAVED MY LIFE'

 

THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED

AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND

ASKED HIM, 'AFTER I HURT YOU,

YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,

YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?'

 

THE FRIEND REPLIED

'WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US

WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN

IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF

FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.

 

BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US,

WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE

WHERE NO WIND

CAN EVER ERASE IT'

 

LEARN TO WRITE

YOUR HURTS IN

THE SAND AND TO

CARVE YOUR

BENEFITS IN STONE.

[sandsys]

THE BAPTIST CHURCH DINNER!

 

 

A group of friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

 

 

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

 

 

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

 

 

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

 

 

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided to give it a try.. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

 

 

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

 

 

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet's ear.

 

 

She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead."

 

 

Janet went into hysterics.

 

 

After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

 

 

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.."

 

 

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

 

 

The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

 

 

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

 

 

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet, "You know, that fellow that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped."

[sandsys]

The New Teacher (This one is dedicated to everyone who ever taught school, parented children, or served their country.)

 

 

A former sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

 

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-ass punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks.

 

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

 

Dead silence.....He had no trouble with discipline that year.

 

SEMPER FI!!

[sandsys]

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked "What a shame the old man is walking and the boy is riding."

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

 

Later they passed some people who remarked "What a shame.... he makes that little boy walk." So they then decided they'd both walk!

 

Soon they passed some more people who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride."

 

So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."

 

The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

 

 

 

The moral of the story?

 

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

 

Kiss your ass goodbye!

[skp51443]

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller.

 

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

 

”Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”

 

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

 

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger,

and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

 

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

 

The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,

about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

 

Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank

manager and disappears into a back office.

 

She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out

there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants

to use this as collateral.”

 

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”

 

(now the painful part)

 

The bank manager looks back at her and says…

 

“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack.

Give the frog a loan,

His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

[sandsys]

DONATIONS

 

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

 

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

 

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

 

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

 

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

[imadtchmn]

Interesting....on the driving thing. We were taught hand signals when I learned to drive and the state tested for them. And I am not that old...this was in the 60's.

 

that was at least 40 years ago. My how time flies.

[sandsys]

Here's another good one I got today.

 

My Favorite Animal

>

> Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

> She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

> My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

>

> I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

> He said they love animals very much.

> I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

> I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

>

> The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

> I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken..

>

> She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

>

> I don't understand.

> My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

>

> Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

> I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

> Guess where I am now...

[sandsys]

Ocean View!

 

A group of 15-year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jannie Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her and they can ride their bikes there.

 

Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute girls.

 

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

 

Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waitresses had nice boobs and wore tight pants.

 

Ten years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good and fish is good for your cholesterol.

 

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

 

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

 

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

[sandsys]

Just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in....

[sandsys]

Grandpas don't know everything!

 

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.

 

He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

 

His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.'

 

'Oh,' little Hunter said, 'OK.' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

 

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called, "sexual intercourse", it's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

[skp51443]

Know where BlueBird (the bus people) got started?

 

http://www.brightbluesky.com/luce_video-hd.html

[tirelessdrone]

[sandsys]

Mildly political but not divisive and I thought very amusing:

 

http://manateefritters.com/2012/04/04/i-was-afraid-this-would-happen/

[steves]

I was watching a news clip showing houses in Texas that were damaged by tornadoes. The newscaster mentioned the footage was captured by drones. I immediately started ranting about the governments use of drones against it's own citizens. The wife wondered why that was a problem. I replied, indignantly, that they could come in our backyard and look right in our windows!

 

She said, without hesitation, "Boy, I'd feel sorry for them!"

[CoolJudy]

*Senior Wedding*

 

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited

about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the

wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go

in.

 

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

 

"Are you the owner?"

 

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

 

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

 

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

 

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

 

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

 

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

 

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

 

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

 

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

 

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

 

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."

 

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for

Parkinson's disease?"

 

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

 

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

 

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

 

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

 

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

 

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

 

Pharmacist: "Sure."

 

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[sandsys]

Men in Heaven

 

 

 

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

 

 

 

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

 

 

 

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

 

 

 

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

 

 

 

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

 

 

 

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

[skp51443]

Retirement Choices

 

You can retire to Phoenix or Tucson , Arizona where…

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

 

OR

 

You can retire to California where…

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

 

OR

 

You can retire to New York City where…

1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is “nature.”

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car).

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

 

OR

 

You can retire to Minnesota where…

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

 

OR

 

You can retire to the Deep South where…

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.

3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen , Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

5. Everything is either “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.” It’s important to know the difference, too.

 

OR

 

You can retire to Colorado where…

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

 

OR

 

You can retire to the Midwest where…

1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”

 

OR

 

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where.

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

[sandsys]

You can retire to Minnesota where…

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .

Are you kidding?! Tabasco is not a Minnesota spice. Lye, however...

 

Linda Sand

[sandsys]

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University ...

 

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

 

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

 

 

1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5.. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.

 

 

 

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

 

I betcha you cannot resist passing this on!

[sandsys]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

 

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

 

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says,

 

"Sure," and sinks the putt.

 

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

 

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

 

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

 

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

 

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

 

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

 

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks

 

alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

 

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

[sandsys]

I love it when things can be explained simply.

 

 

> THE DEBT CEILING

>

> * Democrats don't understand THE DEBT CEILING

>

> * Republicans don't understand THE DEBT CEILING

>

> * Liberals don't understand THE DEBT CEILING

>

> * Conservatives don't understand THE DEBT CEILING

>

> * NO ONE understands THE DEBT CEILING

>

> * SO - Allow me to explain...

>

>

> Let's say you come home from work and find there has

> been a sewer backup in your neighborhood. Your home has sewage all the way

> up to your ceilings.

>

>

> What do you think you should do? Raise the ceilings or pump out the shit?

> Your choice is coming in November. Don't miss the opportunity.

>

[sandsys]

>

> It was written by an 8-year-old named Danny Dutton , who lives in Chula

> Vista ,CA . He wrote it for his third grade homework assignment, to

> 'explain God.' I wonder if any of us could have done as well?

> (and he had such an assignment, in California , and someone published it,

> I guess miracles do happen!)

>

>

> EXPLANATION OF GOD:

> 'One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the

> ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on

> earth. He doesn't make grownups, just babies. I think because they are

> smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take up his

> valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to

> mothers and fathers.'

>

> 'God's second most important job is listening to prayers An awful lot of

> this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times

> beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because

> of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of

> noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.'

>

> 'God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps

> Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going over your

> mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.'

>

> 'Atheists are people who don't believe in God don't think there are any in

> Chula Vista . At least there aren't any who come to our church.'

>

> 'Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on

> water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't

> want to learn about God.They finally got tired of him preaching to them

> and they crucified him. But he was good and kind, like his father, and he

> told his father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive

> them and God said O.K.'

>

> 'His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard

> work on earth so he told him he didn't have to go out on the road anymore.

> He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad out by

> listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take

> care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having to

> bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.'

>

> 'You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they

> got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.'

>

> 'You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and

> if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God!

>

> Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to

> the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the

> beach until noon anyway.'

>

> 'If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very

> lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp,

> but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared, in the

> dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big

> kids.'

>

> 'But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I

> figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases.

>

>

> And...that's why I believe in God.'

[skp51443]

British humor? controversy-as-overturned-caravan-wins-edinburgh-festival-comedy-award

 

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2012/08/24/controversy-as-overturned-caravan-wins-edinburgh-festival-comedy-award/

[sandsys]

A SENIORS DRIVER'S LICENSE

 

A man was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair. "My goodness" he exclaimed, "you are quite old to be driving!"

 

"Yes," she replied, "I am old enough that I don't need a license anymore." The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a drivers license. I told him "yes" and handed it to him. He took a scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket. "You wont be needing this anymore," he said. So, I thanked him and left.