Can I SMILE today?

[StarDreamers.us]

Grandpa is grocery shopping with his toddler grandson, who sits

in the cart and cries hysterically.

 

As the elderly man pushes the cart through the aisles,

selecting his items, shoppers hear him speaking in a soft voice:

 

'We are almost done, Albert; try not to cry, Albert. Life will get

better Albert, I promise you.'

 

The child screams louder, feet kicking, arms flailing.

They reach the checkout counter. 'Try not to be upset, Albert,'

says the old man. 'We will be home soon, Albert. All will be well.'

He pays the cashier, while the toddler thrashes and screams.

 

'There, there, Albert,' mutters the man. 'Try to control yourself.'

 

The woman behind him in line feels compelled to comment. Sir, I think it's

wonderful how sweet and patient you're being to your little grandson

Albert,' she says.

 

The old gentleman replies. 'My grandson's name is John. I'm Albert.'

[skp51443]

Here is one for the HDT folks and their piggy-back smart cars!

 

http://www.carandsuv.co.nz/news/8125/smorv...or-smamborghini

 

[tjones1935]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2009

 

Number 10

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

Number 9

Good health is merely the slowest possible

rate at which one can die.

 

Number 8

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.

If you see him without an erection,

make him a sandwich.

 

Number 7

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,

teach a person to use the Internet and

they won't bother you for weeks.

 

Number 6

Some people are like a Slinky ...

Not really good for anything, but you

still can't help but smile when

you shove them down the stairs.

 

Number 5

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,

lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

 

Number 4

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.

It pays no attention to Criticism.

 

Number 3

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00,

and a substantial tax cut saves you $30..00?

 

Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the

world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to

make it normal.

 

And The Number 1 Thought For 2009

"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;

What you do today, might Burn Your Ass

Tomorrow"

[sandsys]

http://www.usbchainsaw.com/

[Nick Russell]

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

 

 

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit,

telling her not to dare go out like that!

 

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

 

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

 

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

[sandsys]

The Coping Diet

 

 

Only women can understand this one.. This is a specially formulated diet designed to help us cope with the stress that builds during the day.

 

Breakfast

1 grapefruit

1 slice whole wheat toast

1 cup skim milk

 

Lunch

1 small portion lean, steamed chicken

1 cup spinach

1 cup herbal tea

1 Hershey's kiss

 

Afternoon Snack

The rest of the Hershey kisses in the bag

1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

 

Dinner

4 glasses of wine (red or white)

2 loaves garlic bread

1 family size supreme pizza

3 Snickers Bars

 

Late Night Snack

1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)[Thus helping with the hot flashes.]

 

Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.

 

Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds.

 

Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and you will lose 10 pounds.

 

If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. That is why I had to pass it on; I couldn't risk it.

[skp51443]

Anybody miss going in to work? This is aimed at IT workers but it applies to most any job!

 

http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons/?id=20090802

[sandsys]

Embarrassing Medical Exams

 

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going

to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,

lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her

underwear. Suddenly Inoticed that there were several cabs -- and I was

in the wrong one.!!

 

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

 

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope

on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

"Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the

patient.

 

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

 

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I

told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I overheard her reporting to

the rest of the family that he had died of a massive internal fart.

 

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

 

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment

with me (his cardiologist), he informed me that he was having trouble

with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The

nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running

out of places to put it!"

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I

wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the

instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

 

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

 

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,

I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"

With a look of complete confusion, she answered, "Why,

not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

 

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR

 

6.. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning.

While checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfas t this

morning"'

"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I just

can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a

foil packet labeled KY Jelly.

 

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

 

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a

young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting

a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing entered. It was

quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was

scheduled for immediate surgery.

 

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table,

the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green. And above it

there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

 

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a

short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the

lawn."

 

Submitted by RN no name

 

AND FINALLY!!!................

 

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was

quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my

embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst

out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and

sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

 

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling

was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.'"

 

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

[tjones1935]

Women, don't send your husband to the grocery store;

 

[sandsys]

Reaganisms:

 

 

'Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.'- Ronald Reagan

 

 

'The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'-Ronald Reagan

 

 

'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.' Ronald Reagan

 

 

'The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.' - Ronald Reagan

 

 

'Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.' - Ronald Reagan

 

 

 

'The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.' - Ronald Reagan

 

 

'It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.' - Ronald Reagan

 

 

'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it' - Ronald Reagan

 

 

'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.' - Ronald Reagan

[Wanderin]

'I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.'"

Linda - You are definitely on a roll!! I laughed out loud with this one and then hoped my grandkids wouldn't ask what I was laughing about!!!

[sandsys]

I do not vouch for the veracity of this; I'm just passing on one that was sent to me that I enjoyed reading.

 

Linda Sand

 

 

Posted to Craig's List / Personals:

 

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 A M EST. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

 

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment, I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it! I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare footed since I made you leave your your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

 

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's , along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

 

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.. Have a good day!

 

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

P.S. Remember this motto.. . An armed society makes for a more civil society !

[Azusateach]

I got this from a friend. It sure made me smile!

 

A Washington , DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble:

 

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat, so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane?)

 

I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information; and he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts '' Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massa chusetts , Capetown is in Africa .'' His response -- click.

 

A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state.''

 

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife ( Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'

 

An aide for Cabinet member Janet Napolitano once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he w anted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.''

 

An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30am and got into Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

 

A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bags, so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is FAT- Fresno Air Terminal, and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

 

A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

 

I got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alabama who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

 

Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty.''

 

Mary Landrieu, LA Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . Af ter a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I have been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, '' Look, I've been to China four times, and every time they have accepted my American Express.''

 

A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations. ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the city?'' Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere. ''The man retorted, ''O h, don't be silly, everyone knows where it is. Check your map.'' So, I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever. I knew it was a big animal.''

 

Pretty bi-partisan, if you ask me ...

[CoolJudy]

Watch The Watch...

 

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Claude the Amazing Hypnotist was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

 

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."

 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... "

 

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

 

"Crap!" said the hypnotist.

 

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

[sandsys]

Sign in a WHITING, INDIANA store front window

 

 

 

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH

 

1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS

 

THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER!'

 

 

 

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Whiting, Indiana . You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

 

 

 

However, we are a society which holds freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

 

 

And after all, it is just a sign.

 

 

 

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign.

 

 

 

 

Answer:

 

 

 

 

 

 

" Owen's Funeral Home"

 

 

You gotta love it!!!

God Bless America

[skp51443]

On Trudy's computer... She hasn't seen it yet.

 

 

[Lou Schneider]

On Trudy's computer... She hasn't seen it yet.

 

You're a brave man, Stan...

[skp51443]

She saw it, I'm in the dog house.

[sandsys]

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where......

 

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

 

 

 

You can retire to California where....

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

 

 

 

You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn. ( Ed note: if you have a car)

 

 

You can retire to Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons..

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

 

 

 

You can retire to the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

 

 

 

You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car ..

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home so he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

 

 

 

You can retire to the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at? "

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

 

 

 

AND You can retire to Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

[sandsys]

Five Tips for Women

 

It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

It is important that a man makes you laugh.

It is important to find a man you can count on and who doesn't lie to you.

It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

It is important that these four men do not know one another.

[sandsys]

Dear Horse,

 

I love you very much and I truly cherish your presence in my life. I would never wish to criticize you in any way. However, there are a few trivial details regarding our relationship that I think might bear your consideration.

 

First of all, I am already aware that horses can run faster than I can. I do not need you to demonstrate that fact every time I come to get you in the pasture. Please remember that I work long and hard to earn the money to keep you in the style to which you have become accustomed. In return, I think you should at least pretend to be glad to see me, even when I'm carrying a bridle instead of a bucket of oats.

 

It should be fairly obvious to you that I am a human being who walks on only two legs. I do not resemble a scratching post. Do not think that, when you rub your head against me with 1,000 pounds of force behind it, I believe it was not your intention to send me flying. Also, stomping on my toes while you are pushing me around is nothing but adding insult to injury.

 

I understand I cannot expect you to cover your nose when you sneeze, but it would be appreciated if you did not inhale large amounts of dirt and manure prior to aiming your sneezes at my face and shirt. Also, if you have recently filled your mouth with water you do not intend to drink, please let it dribble from your mouth BEFORE you put your head on my shoulder. In addition, while I know you despise your deworming medication, my intentions in giving it to you are good and I do not think I should be rewarded by having you spit half of it back onto my shirt.

 

Sometimes I think you get confused about are appropriate roles you should play in various situations. One small bit of advice: your stone-wall imitation should be used when I am mounting you and your speed-walker imitation when I suggest we proceed on our way, not vice versa. Please, also understand that jumping is meant to be a mutual endeavor. By “mutual” I mean we are supposed to go over the jump together. You were purchased to be a mount, not a catapult.

 

I know the world is a scary place when your eyes are mounted on the sides of your head but I did spend a significant amount of money to buy you and I have every intention of protecting my investment. Therefore, please consider the following when you are choosing the appropriate behavior for a particular situation.

 

1.When I put your halter on you, attach one end of a lead rope to the halter, and tie the other end of the lead rope to a post, rail, or whatever, I am indicating a desire for you to remain in that locale. I would also like the halter, lead rope, post, etc. to remain intact. While I admit that things like sudden noises can be startling, I do not consider them to be acceptable excuses for repeatedly snapping expensive new lead ropes (or halters or posts) so you can run madly about the barn creating havoc in your wake. Such behavior is not conducive to achieving that goal I know we both share—decreasing the number of times the veterinarian comes out to visit you.

2.By the same token, the barn aisle was not designed for the running of the Kentucky Derby and it is not meant to serve as a racetrack. Dragging me down the aisle in leaps and bounds is not how “leading” is supposed to work, even if someone happens to drop a saddle on the floor as we're passing. Puling loose and running off is also discouraged although I admit it does allow you to run faster.

3.I assure you that blowing pieces of paper do not eat horses. While I realize you are very athletic, I do not need a demonstration of your ability to jump 25 feet sideways from a standing start while swapping ends in midair, nor am I interested in your ability to emulate both a racehorse and a bucking bronco while escaping said piece of paper. Also, if that paper were truly a danger, it would be the height of unkindness to dump me on the ground in front of it as a sacrificial offering to expedite your escape.

4.When I ask you to cross a small stream, you may safely assume that said stream does not contain crocodiles, sharks or piranhas, nor will it be likely to drown you. (I have actually seen horses swimming so I know it can be done.) I expect you to be prepared to comply with the occasional request to wade across some small body of water. Since I would like to be dry when we reach the other side of the stream, deciding to roll when we are halfway across is not encouraged behavior.

5.I give you my solemn oath that the trailer is nothing but an alternate means of transportation for distances too long for walking. It is not a lion's den nor a dragon's maw, nor will it magically transform into such. It is made for horses and I promise you that you will indeed fit into your assigned space. Please, also bear in mind that I generally operate on a schedule and, wherever we are going, I would like to get there today.

6.For the last time, I do not intend to abandon you to a barren, friendless existence. If I put you in a turn-out pen, I promise that no predators will eat you and I will come back in due time to return you to your stall. It is not necessary to run in circles, whinny pathetically, threaten to jump the fence, or paw at the gate. Neither your stall mates nor I will have left the premises. The other horses standing peacefully in the adjacent pens amply demonstrate that it is possible to enjoy being turned out for exercise.

 

Finally, in closing, my strong and gentle companion, I would like to point out that, whatever might happen between horses and their people, we humans will always love you. In fact, our bonds with you help create new bonds among ourselves, even with total strangers. Wherever there are horses there will be “horse people” and for that blessing you bestow upon us, we thank you.

 

Most Sincerely Yours,

Your “Owner”

[sandsys]

If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then why can't:

 

Electricians be delighted.

Musicians denoted.

Cowboys deranged.

Models deposed.

Bed makers debunked.

Baseball players debased.

Teachers declassified.

Bulldozer operators degraded.

Organ donors delivered.

Software engineers detested.

Underwear makers debriefed.

Musical composers decomposed.

Dry cleaners depressed, decreased, and depleted.

And, hopefully, politicians devoted.

[skp51443]

The Windows 7 install drinking game:

 

* One shot for every “ethnic” face in an install graphic.

 

* An extra shot if it’s pasted over the head of a white person.

 

* One shot for every white face pasted over the head of a non-white person.

 

* One shot for every program with the Office 2007 “ribbon” toolbar stuck on it completely inappropriately.

 

* One shot for every exciting “new” feature that’s been in Mac OS and Linux for the past five years.

 

* An extra shot if the exciting “new” feature’s been in Mac OS and Linux for the past ten years.

 

* One shot every time you reboot during the install.

 

* One shot every time the system asks to reboot just because it feels like it.

 

* Two shots every time it reboots even though you said “no.”

 

* Drain the bottle if there’s an actual feature that makes Windows 7 so much better than sticking with XP that you’ll spend actual money to get it.

 

* A bitter mouthful every time the system blue-screens.

[CoolJudy]

My One Day of Employment

 

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

 

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

 

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

 

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

 

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

 

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of

[Azusateach]

I copied this from another forum I frequent, so please excuse the overuse of capital letters. But it made me smile.

 

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

 

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

 

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?

They Take The Psycho Path.

 

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

 

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

 

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids

 

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

 

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

 

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

 

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quattro Sinko..

 

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

 

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

 

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

 

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

 

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

 

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.

 

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

 

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

 

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

 

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

 

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

 

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer