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Can I SMILE today?


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You have made me SMILE -blow my nose & wipe my eyes and think of my DAD all at the same time. Thank you

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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I told my 85 year old mom the joke about the ticks and she said "no one would fall for that". I did not remind her about the time I came in from high school and she had the phones covered up with towels. I asked her why and she said the phone company had called and requested she cover up the phones because they were going to "blow the dust out of the lines".

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The First Wives Club

 

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous

artist.

 

She told the artist, "Paint me with 3-karat diamond earrings, a large

diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."

 

"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things"

 

"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is

having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry..." icon_biggrin.gif

Pam & Bob Wallace

SKP #95184 - Class of 2007

2001 Royals International RW3841

2001 International 4700LP DT530E

Our Location

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It's Friday, I'm tired, It's been a long week and this thread has been a godsend, so here is my contribution:

 

Offer made to Adam

 

God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions,

so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him,

"Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?"

 

Have a great weekend icon_wink.gif

Pam and Fred + Mollie the guard cat.

 

'Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.'

 

SKP107649

1998 Fleetwood Avion fifth wheel

2002 - Ford F550 Crew Cab with Classy Chassis conversion

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An older gentleman was on the operating table

awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,

a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia

he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

 

"Don't be nervous, son;

do your best and just remember,

 

if it doesn't go well,

if something happens to me,

your mother is going to come

and live with you and your wife...."

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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For those of us who are old enough to remember the ole Abbott and Costello Skit "Who's on First".

 

 

 

ABBOTT and COSTELLO Buy A Computer

 

In today's world, Bud ABBOTT and Lou COSTELLO's famous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this....

 

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .

 

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about

buying a computer.

 

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

 

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

 

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

 

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

 

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

 

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

 

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

 

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

 

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

 

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

 

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

 

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

 

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

 

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

 

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

 

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

 

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

 

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

 

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your

business. Just tell me what I need!

 

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

 

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

 

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

 

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

 

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

 

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

 

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

 

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

 

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

 

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of

Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?

You have anything I can track my money with?

 

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

 

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

 

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer?

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

 

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

 

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

 

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

 

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

 

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

 

A FEW DAYS LATER . . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

 

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START" . . .

 

===========================================

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Yes, there really is a COOL, California.

Judy, Luke, and GSD Miss Shade

SKP# 89390 - Boomers, SKP Elks, SKP Geocachers, Chapt. 8

CoolRVers on the Road Blog

Selling 2007 Itasca Horizon 40TD and 06 Honda CR-V

2019 Dynamax Isata 3 Series 24FW

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The Senility Prayer

 

God grant me the senility to forget

The people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,

And the eyesight to tell the difference.

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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Two ___________(insert what you want) are driving down the road. The driver(Bill) says to the passenger(Tom), We gotta stop and get gas. Tom replies, hey, lets go down to the ___________(insert your favorite station) and fill up. Bill says thats out of the way, why go there? Tom replies, well if you fill up, and you guess the lucky number of the day, you get free sex!!

 

Bill says, you gotta be nuts, no wonder they say those things about you _______

 

Tom says, go and I'll prove it. So Bill drives down to the station, the attendant comes out and Bill says "fill er up". After filling , Bill pays for the gas, says what about the free sex? The guys says, oh ok, but you gotta guess the secret number today between 1 and 10.

 

Bills says 8!

Guy says nope the number to day is 6.

 

So they drive off and Bill says, "are you nuts, we would never guess the right number".

.

.

.

.

.

.

Tom, hollers, "Yes you can, MY WIFE WINS EVERYDAY"!!!!!!!!!!!!

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****I knew there was a reason I had mine when I was YOUNG!!!! icon_smile.gificon_smile.gificon_smile.gificon_smile.gif*****

 

HAVING BABIES LATE IN LIFE:

 

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

 

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

 

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."

 

Thirty minutes passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

 

"No, not yet," said the mother.

 

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now? "

 

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

 

Growing very impatient, they asked," Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

 

"When he cries," she told them.

 

"WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he cries??"

 

"Because I forgot where I put him..."

 

icon_smile.gificon_smile.gificon_smile.gificon_smile.gif

"Time passes but memories remain"

Full-timers since 2004 / SKP#87096

2000 Allegro Zephyr

Kawasaki KLR650 plus 4WD toad

"Time Passes but Memories Remain"

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A visitor to the graveyard couldn't help noticing a man kneeling in front of aa gravestone, clasping his hands and sobbing. The visitor went a bit closer and could hear what the man was saying.

 

"Why did you have to die?", he was repeating, "Why did you have to die?"

 

Feeling he ought to do something, the visitor laid his hand on the man's shoulder. "Was it someone you loved very much?" he asked gently.

 

The man looked up at him and said, "No, I never met him, he was my wife's first husband."

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AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE.

 

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR

SHOULDER?"

 

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "Oh, THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER,

CHUCKY. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCKY GOES."

 

"I AM SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T

ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

 

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS. HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,

BOUGHT A TICKET AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN

NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

 

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM.

THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD

STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

 

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

 

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

 

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

 

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.

 

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT,"

WHISPERED MILDRED.

 

"WELL, DON'T WORRY A BOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "HELL, AT

OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

 

"I THOUGHT SO TOO," SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S

EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

Bob (Smokes) & Penna

2007 Challenger 5th wheel

2007 Chevy hd 3500-6.6 duramx-allison transmission

F-150 for Nitro bass boat

Misti & Trixi (Yorkies)

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smokes1965

You got me!!! and my Lab has woke up and is wondering what I am laughing at.

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

 

Dwight D. Eisenhower

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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>> Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last

>>instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get

>>even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this

>>for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip

>>off their habits, and paint in the nude.

>>

>> In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who

>>is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the

>>other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug,

>>and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the

>>room, they open he door.

>>

>> "Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"

>>

Bob (Smokes) & Penna

2007 Challenger 5th wheel

2007 Chevy hd 3500-6.6 duramx-allison transmission

F-150 for Nitro bass boat

Misti & Trixi (Yorkies)

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"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you."

 

by Will Rogers

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

 

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate

 

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more booze for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I wont make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination.

I'd hate to look like a fool.

9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Bob (Smokes) & Penna

2007 Challenger 5th wheel

2007 Chevy hd 3500-6.6 duramx-allison transmission

F-150 for Nitro bass boat

Misti & Trixi (Yorkies)

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GRADING PAPERS

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

 

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

 

 

 

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

 

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

 

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

 

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

 

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

 

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

 

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

 

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

 

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

 

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

 

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

 

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

 

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

 

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

 

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

 

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

 

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

 

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

 

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

 

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

 

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

 

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

 

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

 

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

 

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY

Bob (Smokes) & Penna

2007 Challenger 5th wheel

2007 Chevy hd 3500-6.6 duramx-allison transmission

F-150 for Nitro bass boat

Misti & Trixi (Yorkies)

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The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

 

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.

 

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat.

 

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

 

So far I have been too scared to go down the toilet paper aisle! icon_eek.gif

--

Mark

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I am thinking of getting a part time job. So far I have three in mind.

 

First, to charge people to wish on a star for them. Just sit outside in the evening (drink optional) and when I see the first star, make a wish for the person that paid me.

 

Second, to be a professional street crosser. Work in western movies (oaters) and just before the gun fight, cross the street. We have all seen them.

 

Third, to be a elevator button re-pusher. Notice when someone is waiting for the elevator and you push an opposite button (up or down) they re-push their button as if you cancelled their call. That could be an inside job where the other two are outside jobs.

 

Can't decide which one to try first.

tjones1935

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

.

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  • 3 weeks later...

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I can’t stop passing gas. Luckily, my farts don’t smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted twice since I’ve been here in your office, but you didn’t even notice." "I can help you," says the doc. "Take these pills and come back next week." The next week, the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts reek." The doctor says, "Good, we fixed your sinuses! Now let’s work on your hearing."

Bob (Smokes) & Penna

2007 Challenger 5th wheel

2007 Chevy hd 3500-6.6 duramx-allison transmission

F-150 for Nitro bass boat

Misti & Trixi (Yorkies)

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An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said: "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I've seen."

 

The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."

 

The doctor asked him how he knew that.

 

"Why," the old man, "I must live a good, clean life or the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."

 

The doc looked a little concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you."

 

"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

 

Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental conditions. He told me every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

 

"Why that rascal," she said. "I thought someone has been peeing in the refrigerator."

Bob (Smokes) & Penna

2007 Challenger 5th wheel

2007 Chevy hd 3500-6.6 duramx-allison transmission

F-150 for Nitro bass boat

Misti & Trixi (Yorkies)

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Three-year-old buys pink convertible on Internet

 

Tue Sep 26,

 

Jack Neal briefly became the proud owner of a pink convertible car after he managed to buy it for 9,000 pounds ($17,000) on the Internet despite being only three years old.

 

Jack's mother told the BBC she had left her password for the eBay auction site in her computer and her son used the "buy it now" option to complete the purchase.

 

"Jack's a whizz on the PC and just pressed all the right buttons," Rachel Neal said.

 

The seller of the second-hand car, a dealer from Worcestershire, central England, was amused by the bid and agreed not to force the sale through.

 

"Luckily he saw the funny side and said he would re-advertise," Neal said.

 

 

 

icon_wink.gif Sounds like something our sons would've tried!!

My Photo Albums: www.leejacobs.org

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