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Losing faith that we can do this


TherapyBound

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My husband and I had big plans to downsize our house, have no mortgage, buy a used RV, and hit the road for a year. In the process of moving into our new home these past 2 weeks, I've noticed a...shall we say, reluctance...on the part of my husband to find a way to fix things we've never had to fix before. And now I'm worried.

He did replace all the locks on the doors, after much drama, trial, and error, and I give him full credit for that. He did a terrific job and I was enthusiastically proud of him.

I replaced the 4-prong cord on our dryer for a 3 prong cord that fit the outlet, which took all my courage and some helpful tutorials, but when it comes to other small jobs (not major electrical, engine, plumbing, etc) it seems like he wants someone to come in and do them and I want to at least give it a try first. We're not rich. If I fail (which I sometimes do), at least I tried.

I have deep concerns that this is going to be a major issue if we do the RV trip. I'm worried that I'm going to end up tackling things alone instead of working toward solution together when it's something neither of us knows how to do, and I fear I'll end up angry and resentful. For the past 3 years I've been the one doing all the research on how to handle RV issues, so I think I'll be assumed to be the one to get things done on my own. He's very enthusiastic about the trip, but perhaps not thinking so much about the realities of maintenance. 

Has anyone else gone through this? How have your handled it? Is it a dream-killer? I'm honestly not sure we should go through with the plan now.

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Have you discussed your doubts with him? RV life is in a very confined space if you experience bad weather or illness so it is important to enjoy each other's company. If you buy a recent model RV that is in good condition, you probably won't have major problems but it is doubtful that it will be completely trouble free as well. 

Good travelin !...............Kirk

Full-time 11+ years...... Now seasonal travelers.
Kirk & Pam's Great RV Adventure

            images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQqFswi_bvvojaMvanTWAI

 

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It's only been two weeks.  Are the jobs necessary or can they be put on hold until a little later.  This was a huge change in lifestyle for both of you. Perhaps he just wants to relax for a bit.  

How was he with repairs when you lived in a S&B home?  Not everyone are repairmen.  It may just be worthwhile to get someone to do them. If they're small jobs it should cost that much.  If you're in a RV park now perhaps the office would have a recommendation.

Definitely.... you two need to talk about what the underlying issue is if this isn't typical of him.  Good luck!

Full-timed for 16 Years
Traveled 8 yr in a 2004 Newmar Dutch Star 40' Motorhome
and 8 yr in a 33' Travel Supreme 5th Wheel

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We've worked together for nearly 20 years, and normally our individual strengths make us a fantastic team. We're rarely apart, and we prefer it that way. Along with being husband and wife, we are truly best friends. The RV thing is a mutual dream, and when I've been concerned about if we can make it happen or not, he's been the voice that insists we can.

It's this one thing...this feeling that if a problem doesn't have a quick, simple solution, or if the solution doesn't work straight away, all the toys get thrown out of the pram and we'll have to throw money at it to solve the problem.

We have talked, and just did again, and he's absolutely certain everything will be fine. I'm not so sure. I grew up with parents who did a huge amount of work on houses and gardens, and he did not have that experience. I think I have a more worldly view of plowing ahead to get things done. He's used to calling someone in. Our bank account just won't allow that now.

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4 minutes ago, 2gypsies said:

It's only been two weeks.  Are the jobs necessary or can they be put on hold until a little later.  This was a huge change in lifestyle for both of you. Perhaps he just wants to relax for a bit.  

How was he with repairs when you lived in a S&B home?  Not everyone are repairmen.  It may just be worthwhile to get someone to do them. If they're small jobs it should cost that much.  If you're in a RV park now perhaps the office would have a recommendation.

Definitely.... you two need to talk about what the underlying issue is if this isn't typical of him.  Good luck!

We've just downsized from a 5 bedroom house to a 3 bedroom, we have no mortgage, and we now have the funds to buy the RV outright, but we haven't done so yet. 

We had our former house built, and there was very little that ever needed doing. We had a pool service, lawn service, etc, so there was next to nothing we had to do. Now we're in a home built in 1995 that's in great shape BUT with some things that do need tending to. That's why I'm noticing it now.

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1 minute ago, Bigthinkers said:

We've just downsized from a 5 bedroom house to a 3 bedroom, we have no mortgage, and we now have the funds to buy the RV outright, but we haven't done so yet. 

We had our former house built, and there was very little that ever needed doing. We had a pool service, lawn service, etc, so there was next to nothing we had to do. Now we're in a home built in 1995 that's in great shape BUT with some things that do need tending to. That's why I'm noticing it now.

Sorry, I thought you were in a RV.  So it sounds like you had everything done for you in the past so I guess it's understandable that he's reluctant to tackle things now.  Still..... just moving in .... can't things wait a bit?  Again, you need to talk it out before getting a RV.  Either have someone deal with repairs if an older one or if buying new be hopeful that things can be done by the warranty in the first year.  Another thought... if moving from a 5 bedroom it sounds like you enjoy lots of room so when getting a RV perhaps a small one won't work for both of you.

Full-timed for 16 Years
Traveled 8 yr in a 2004 Newmar Dutch Star 40' Motorhome
and 8 yr in a 33' Travel Supreme 5th Wheel

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I'm not worried about the smaller space. We're very happy in a smaller house, and we've enjoyed time in an RV before, though obviously not for such a long period of time. We're looking at 36ft, older diesel pusher, ideally with many of the kinks worked out, but with the understanding that stuff crops up all the time.

We'll be absolutely fine with the experience in general, it's just this issue of having to buckle down and figure things out that has me worried. 

Some things in the house can wait, but I haven't had a dryer for 2 weeks now, so that does feel like at least somewhat of a priority. I was able to change the electrical cord easily enough, but the vent hookup for some reason has just beaten me. I've been working on it for days, I know it's so simple a child could do it, but something I'm doing isn't right, though I cannot for the life of me imagine what, or figure  it out. Two heads are usually better than one (they were when he hung one doorknob upside down and the other backwards...bless his heart!) and I could really use that set of fresh eyes on it. Instead, we now have someone coming to literally tighten a clamp down (for $80). That is simply not sustainable when we could be working together toward a solution.

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After a serious talk if you both feel you should go ahead I would buy the RV and try it for 3-4 days at a time initially, if that works, then lengthen out the time until you are both comfortable with the lifestyle.

He needs to express an interest in learning and solving problems. RVing isn't for everyone, you do need a sense of adventure and doing the unknown.

Escapees has a Boot Camp, it would be well worth the money to take the boot camp before laying out the money for an RV. That will get you grounded in what to expect.

 

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As I have gotten older I am finding it easier to write a check for certain things than attempt to do more than I should and maybe have a medical bill.  Having done most of the work myself over the past years, I still have to oversee any work done on the RV or the truck.

Just moving in....you need to slow down and pace your chores.

Ken

Amateur radio operator, 2023 Cougar 22MLS, 2022 F150 Lariat 4x4 Off Road, Sport trim <br />Travel with 1 miniature schnauzer, 1 standard schnauzer and one African Gray parrot

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I'm curious as to what his reply is when you ask him to fix something.  What's the reason he's reluctant?  Are you constantly after him to get to work?  Again.... he's never had to do it in the 5-bedroom home so to me it's understandable he'll be reluctant to do in in your 3-bedroom home.  

If I were you I'd pay to get your dryer in working order and move on.  This is really bothering you and it's not good for either of you.  He'll soon see how things cost when having to pay for everything and perhaps he'll start initiating the repair.

Full-timed for 16 Years
Traveled 8 yr in a 2004 Newmar Dutch Star 40' Motorhome
and 8 yr in a 33' Travel Supreme 5th Wheel

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What is more important, you and your husband enjoying your life or the money you might spend on some repairs?   If money is the issue, then don’t RV full time.  It is not a question of IF you will have repairs, but when. Have you looked at the costs of a DP routine maintenance?  
 

BTW, if you are sure it is just tightening a clamp, them why pay the money for a service call?  Is there heat coming out the back of the dryer?  

Barb & Dave O'Keeffe
2002 Alpine 36 MDDS (Figment II), 2018 Ford C-Max HYBRID
Blog: http://www.barbanddave.net
SPK# 90761 FMCA #F337834

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First I see nothing wrong with the wife taking a lead on RV issues.

Second, what sorts of maintenance and repairs are you concerned about?  We bought a 5 year old RV, had solar added and made some minor upgrades.  That was about it for our 2 years of full time RV travel.  In 60K miles, we had numerous oil changes, a couple of minor truck repairs and not much else.  All of that was handled by the Dodge dealers in the area.  We replaced tires at Sears.  Again, that was done for us.  We also had the solar controller burn out.  We had to visit Camping World for the part and I had them do the install.  

There should not be a lot of maintenance or repairs needed.  Just don't buy a piece of junk that needs work.  Don't buy an overly complex, overly large unit.  There should be very little that you need to do outside of simple things like periodically sanitizing the fresh water system and dumping the waste tanks.  There is typically way, way more work to do with upkeep on a house or condo.

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Sounds like your hubby is not a handyman.  To a degree, every home-owner needs to be of some degree, that, or find a friend that is.  Many of them will help for a beer or 2, like myself or some of my buds.  An RV, new or used, will need items fixed at one time or another.  Like said, not if, but when.  The only way your going to avoid turning a wrench or screw-driver is with deep pockets.  Mines shallow, like yours sounds (forgive me if I'm wrong), I live on disability and some retirement so I learned to wrench.

2002 Fifth Avenue RV (RIP) 2015 Ram 3500 Mega-cab DRW(38k miles), 6.7L Cummins Diesel, A668RFE, 3.73, 14,000 GVWR, 5,630 Payload, 27,300 GCWR, 18,460 Max Trailer Weight Rating(For Sale) , living in the frigid north, ND.

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3 hours ago, SWharton said:

Escapees has a Boot Camp, it would be well worth the money to take the boot camp before laying out the money for an RV. That will get you grounded in what to expect.

 

This is definitely on our Must Do list before we head out.

 

2 hours ago, JimK said:

 

3 hours ago, TXiceman said:

Just moving in....you need to slow down and pace your chores.

We're just moving into the house, but some things won't wait for much longer, and the dryer is one of them!

3 hours ago, 2gypsies said:

I'm curious as to what his reply is when you ask him to fix something.  What's the reason he's reluctant?  Are you constantly after him to get to work? 

I'm never after him to do repairs/etc. For the most part he's called someone in to do them, or I've done them, or he's done them if he feels comfortable doing them. It hasn't been an issue, but we've had a much different income than we do now. We're travel writers, and you can only imagine how THAT has gone over the last 18 months. In all our years of marriage the man has never been nagged, and never will be. That isn't our style (either of us). It's only now that I'm seeing this reluctance to tackle a repair we're not familiar with, as it hasn't been an issue before.

 

3 hours ago, Barbaraok said:

If money is the issue, then don’t RV full time.  It is not a question of IF you will have repairs, but when. Have you looked at the costs of a DP routine maintenance?  

We won't be full-timers, in that we'll still have a house. We'll be on the road for a year, then see how things are going. I know it's IF. He's less certain about that. I've looked at the costs. He hasn't. That's part of the problem, but he's the eternal optimist, and say's we'll handle things as they come up. I'm not seeing that right now, hence, this post.

 

3 hours ago, Barbaraok said:

BTW, if you are sure it is just tightening a clamp, them why pay the money for a service call?  Is there heat coming out the back of the dryer?  

I'm sure it's just the clamp, as I can't get it to stay tight when I give it a gentle tug to be sure it's tight. It's been a long list of issues, some of it having to do with pipe diameter (which I figured out), trajectory (which I figured out), the correct bend (which I figured out) and so on. When the connection came apart tonight after every fix I could think of, that was the end. I'd failed, and I don't know why.

2 hours ago, JimK said:

First I see nothing wrong with the wife taking a lead on RV issues.

Second, what sorts of maintenance and repairs are you concerned about?

I see nothing wrong with this either, except that I don't want to be the only one taking the lead. I see nothing wrong with me doing some things and him doing some things, but not JUST me having to figure it all out. 
I've been reading various forums and in various online groups for 3 years and see a LOT of issues crop up. I'm not worried about that, but I'm realistic about it. I don't see us doing major electrical/engine/plumbing/etc overhauls, but I do think we should be able to work together to figure out some basics.

 

2 hours ago, NDBirdman said:

Sounds like your hubby is not a handyman. 

Even he would agree with that. And you're correct that our pockets are not overly deep, though we've budgeted well for this journey. 

So when this is the case, my question was--how has this played out over time for those who have experienced it? How do you handle a difference in wanting or not wanting to give minor repairs a try? Is it just a recipe for resentment?

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4 hours ago, Bigthinkers said:

We had a pool service, lawn service, etc, so there was next to nothing we had to do.

 

4 hours ago, Bigthinkers said:

we now have someone coming to literally tighten a clamp down (for $80)

 

21 minutes ago, Bigthinkers said:

I've looked at the costs. He hasn't. That's part of the problem, but he's the eternal optimist, and say's we'll handle things as they come up.

Why has he not looked at the cost? Is it only because he's not a worrier and you are? Have you always been impatient? Can you work on trusting him to do what needs doing when it needs doing? After all you appear to have done so well together until now. Has he ever really let you down? If not, why do you think he will now? Are you afraid you will let yourself down? Having wanted this for so long makes it easy to worry about how much reality will match the dream.

Linda

Blog: http://sandcastle.sandsys.org/

Former Rigs: Liesure Travel van, Winnebago View 24H, Winnebago Journey 34Y, Sportsmobile Sprinter conversion van

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Just now, sandsys said:

 

 

Why has he not looked at the cost? Is it only because he's not a worrier and you are? Have you always been impatient? Can you work on trusting him to do what needs doing when it needs doing? After all you appear to have done so well together until now. Has he ever really let you down? If not, why do you think he will now? Are you afraid you will let yourself down? Having wanted this for so long makes it easy to worry about how much reality will match the dream.

Linda

He hasn't looked at the cost because he's always got some reason not to, and I think it's fair to say he's a die-hard optimist (unless something goes wrong) who believes we'll just magically handle whatever comes our way. I'm the more cautious of the two of us and prefer to be informed so we're not blindsided. I don't think it's fair to say I'm impatient. It's entirely fair to say there IS a limit, but it takes a while to get there. I can wait for him to do what needs doing, but that doesn't mean it'll get done. He's let me down, and I'm certain there have been times when I've let him down. He also delights me and surprises me and makes me adore him more and more for the wonderful husband he is. Isn't that life? 

But the issue I'm asking about isn't quite that heavy. What I'm asking about is, when one person wants to try to work out minor issues (together, at times, so they're not the only one taking responsibility) and the other...frankly...gives up if results aren't swift and dramatic, has anyone here got experience with that, and what solutions have they found so that the difference doesn't lead to resentment and anger (and unnecessary hits to the bank account). Or is it a serious problem I should be paying attention to?

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I guess I'm not understanding that you're so worried about this being a serious problem.  If it hasn't been so far I just don't see it.  I think we've all been procrastinators at some time but eventually things work out.

For your dryer issue..... how about asking him to take the clothes to the laundramat for you?  Perhaps that'll get him movin' a little!

I just read your post from 2-1/2 years ago worry about crossing into Canada with prescription dog food!  Perhaps you need to take a relaxation class!  😉  I don't mean this in a bad way but how are you going to have fun when you finally get the RV and take off?  You can't anticipate everything that 'could' happen. Worrying about 'what ifs' is not good for you.  You'll deal with any problems if/when they happen.  Things have a way of working out!  If I told you the stories of things that happened to us during our 16 years of full-timing you'd never go.  We laugh about the mistakes we've made and things that went wrong.

Edited by 2gypsies

Full-timed for 16 Years
Traveled 8 yr in a 2004 Newmar Dutch Star 40' Motorhome
and 8 yr in a 33' Travel Supreme 5th Wheel

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I suspect you are just having pre-wedding jitters. You know that anxiety that comes with starting any new big thing even if you expect it to be wonderful once you actually get there?

Linda

Blog: http://sandcastle.sandsys.org/

Former Rigs: Liesure Travel van, Winnebago View 24H, Winnebago Journey 34Y, Sportsmobile Sprinter conversion van

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2 hours ago, Bigthinkers said:

I’m sure it's just the clamp, as I can't get it to stay tight when I give it a gentle tug to be sure it's tight. It's been a long list of issues, some of it having to do with pipe diameter (which I figured out), trajectory (which I figured out), the correct bend (which I figured out) and so on. When the connection came apart tonight after every fix I could think of, that was the end. I'd failed, and I don't know why.

So either you have a bad clamp or bad hose.  Have you gotten new ones?  I’d do that first.  If that doesn’t work, then go get a repair person in.  That might give hubby something to think about.  

Barb & Dave O'Keeffe
2002 Alpine 36 MDDS (Figment II), 2018 Ford C-Max HYBRID
Blog: http://www.barbanddave.net
SPK# 90761 FMCA #F337834

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8 hours ago, Bigthinkers said:

I think it's fair to say he's a die-hard optimist

It sounds to me as though you are the eternal pessimist.  I don't understand what it is that you want someone to say that will change anything? Only you can resolve this and the more that you say about it, the more it seems to me that you husband is not the problem. If I knew how, I would ask him to read this entire thread. Somehow I doubt that it would surprise him. 

If you can't do with without constant worry, then you need to be honest and let your husband know that. Since you will still have a house to return to, it looks to me as though you really don't want to go and are finding reasons not to do so. 

Good travelin !...............Kirk

Full-time 11+ years...... Now seasonal travelers.
Kirk & Pam's Great RV Adventure

            images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQqFswi_bvvojaMvanTWAI

 

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9 hours ago, Bigthinkers said:

 
I've been reading various forums and in various online groups for 3 years and see a LOT of issues crop up. I'm not worried about that, but I'm realistic about it. I don't see us doing major electrical/engine/plumbing/etc overhauls, but I do think we should be able to work together to figure out some basics.

 

I think this is the main issue.  If you read RV forums you will see every issue, every problem, every repair that ever happened.  Odds are you will see few or none of those issues.  

I bought an extended warranty when I got my truck.  I don't plan on doing any repair work myself.  I also pay to have oil changes and other maintenance done in the shop.  

Again, for the RV we had only one repair in two years of full time use.  I had Camping World replace the solar controller.  With additional years of part time use, we have had some other repairs.  I replaced the water pump.  That was about a 10 minute job with a couple of screws, a snap on electrical connection and two hoses that connect without the need for tools.  The CO/propane detector died twice.  The first time I had a dealer replace it.  The second time I did it myself.  Again that was a 10 minute job with two screws and two electric wires to connect.  I also had to replace the $15 ignitor for the water heater.  The other maintenance/repair issue is checking for water leaks.  I have had two and should have been more careful checking the seals on every square inch every year.  A little caulk fixed both issues.  

If you list out all of the issues and repairs for a house, I am sure there will be many more.  In less time than I have owned an RV, I have spent thousands on tree trimming and removal, over $20K on a new roof, and lots of minor repairs.  

Maybe you will feel better if you stop reading the horror stories on the RV forums.  

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1 hour ago, Kirk W said:

It sounds to me as though you are the eternal pessimist.  I don't understand what it is that you want someone to say that will change anything? Only you can resolve this and the more that you say about it, the more it seems to me that you husband is not the problem. If I knew how, I would ask him to read this entire thread. Somehow I doubt that it would surprise him. 

If you can't do with without constant worry, then you need to be honest and let your husband know that. Since you will still have a house to return to, it looks to me as though you really don't want to go and are finding reasons not to do so. 

Wow. This is one small thing in an otherwise beautiful life, and if you knew me you'd know how wrong you are. Sorry, but this is just mean-spirited answer to a question that got blown up into something it's not. My SINGLE concern is that we'll throw money at every small problem that arises, and frankly, I've been on this forum long enough to know that YOU answer questions about how to do minor repairs all the time. THAT was my question. Calling my marriage into question is way, way out of bounds, sir. I'm certainly not perfect, but I would challenge you to find a more patient wife. And you're absolutely wrong about me not wanting to make this trip. It's been a lifelong dream and we just sold a house I have loved for nearly 20 years to make it happen. 

There is no "constant worry". It's one small thing, and I asked one question. The answer I wanted was to the question of how people handle one partner's reluctance to be involved in small repairs rather than throwing money at everything when the budget won't allow that. 

I can show this thread to my husband myself. He'll agree with every word and be horrified at YOUR reply. 

You know not of what you speak. Shame on you for this comment.

 

 

13 minutes ago, JimK said:

I replaced the water pump.  That was about a 10 minute job with a couple of screws, a snap on electrical connection and two hoses that connect without the need for tools.  The CO/propane detector died twice.  The first time I had a dealer replace it.  The second time I did it myself.  Again that was a 10 minute job with two screws and two electric wires to connect.  I also had to replace the $15 ignitor for the water heater.  The other maintenance/repair issue is checking for water leaks.  I have had two and should have been more careful checking the seals on every square inch every year.  A little caulk fixed both issues.  

These are the kinds of repairs I'm talking about. I would imagine they add up over time, if you're having someone else do them. My single concern is that I hope to have 2 sets of eyes and hands on projects like these rather than being the only one responsible for figuring them out, or throwing money at them that we could have spent on enjoying something else. 
 

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This has been a fun thread to read! I think you have gotten a lot of accurate, honest, practical answers. None of them mean spirited at all. Everyone has spoken from their experience. Take a deep breathe and reread the responses. 

Best of luck to you.

David & Marilyn

Living Our Dream

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