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A little humor


spindrift

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I know some of ya'll are farm boys and there are others who dabble who will appreciate the humor.  Be forewarned, there's some salty language to follow.  I'm told it's a true story.

 

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of #### lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of #### chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'####!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a ######## now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

2012 F350 KR CC DRW w/ some stuff
2019 Arctic Fox 32-5M
Cindy and Tom, Kasey and Maggie (our Newfie and Berner)
Oh...I forgot the five kids.

 

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Now that’s funny.

Two stories to add.  When I was 8 y.o and really smart, I took the dare from my cousin to pee on an electric fence.  My nether regions have never forgiven me for that.

Second, I did my post graduate thesis on validity of Veterinary Admission Testing (VAT) at Texas A&M University so spent a lot of time at the vet school.  Got to know some of the professors there very well and as some may know A&M did some pretty exotic things with some very high priced animals.  One prized stud horse was being “introduced “ to a high priced brood mare to continue a “royal” blood line.  As he was beginning to earn his keep, he backed into an electric fence, and immediately received some negative reinforcement to say the least. His “natural” acts were done because Skinner was right...negative reinforcement can be very effective.  He required manual harvest from then on.

Edited by SuiteSuccess

2006 Volvo 780 "Hoss" Volvo D12, 465hp, 1650 ft/lbs tq., ultrashift

Bed Build by "JW Morgan's Custom Welding"

2017 DRV 39DBRS3

2013 Smart Passion Coupe "Itty Bitty"

 

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first!"

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Now that made me laugh! Ted Cruz said it yesterday that Americans need to have fun and laugh more and be serious less.

You ought to try backing into an electric fence while dragging a piece of steel.  OUCH!

2002 Beaver Marquis Emerald   C-12 Cat 505 HP

2014 Volvo 630 D-13 I Shift SOLD

2017 New Horizons SOLD

 

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, DJohns said:

Now that made me laugh! Ted Cruz said it yesterday that Americans need to have fun and laugh more and be serious less.

You ought to try backing into an electric fence while dragging a piece of steel.  OUCH!

Or try running into it at full tilt... at night... soaking wet from the pond.. when you're just tall enough to make contact in your middle parts.... and it's barbed wire.. Jay

 

 
 
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An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled with age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup of the shelf.

"Put this inside your cheek to spread out the skin", the barber says.

When the barber is finished, the cowboy rubs his hand on his cheeks. "That's the cleanest shave I've had in years", he says. "What would have happened if I accidentally swallowed the ball?"

"No problem", replied the barber, "just bring it back in a couple of days like everybody else does!

KW T-680, POPEMOBILE
Newmar X-Aire, VATICAN
Lots of old motorcycles, Moto Guzzi Griso and Spyder F3 currently in the front row
Young enough to play in the dirt as a retired farmer.
contact me at rickeieio1@comcast.net

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8 hours ago, rickeieio said:

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled with age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup of the shelf.

"Put this inside your cheek to spread out the skin", the barber says.

When the barber is finished, the cowboy rubs his hand on his cheeks. "That's the cleanest shave I've had in years", he says. "What would have happened if I accidentally swallowed the ball?"

"No problem", replied the barber, "just bring it back in a couple of days like everybody else does!

😂🥴

2006 Volvo 780 "Hoss" Volvo D12, 465hp, 1650 ft/lbs tq., ultrashift

Bed Build by "JW Morgan's Custom Welding"

2017 DRV 39DBRS3

2013 Smart Passion Coupe "Itty Bitty"

 

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first!"

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13 hours ago, rickeieio said:

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled with age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup of the shelf.

"Put this inside your cheek to spread out the skin", the barber says.

When the barber is finished, the cowboy rubs his hand on his cheeks. "That's the cleanest shave I've had in years", he says. "What would have happened if I accidentally swallowed the ball?"

"No problem", replied the barber, "just bring it back in a couple of days like everybody else does!

That was good.

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