Can I SMILE today?

[skp51443]

http://www.snopes.com/crime/justice/grambo.asp

 

looks like it isn't so...

[SKP099348]

Finding his request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

 

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.' The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

 

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

 

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is .... you're NOT my flight instructor?'

[CoolJudy]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

 

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'

 

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay Room 302.'

 

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse. After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

 

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'

 

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

 

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.'

[CoolJudy]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

CONCLUSION

 

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[skp51443]

The doctor took Fred into the room and said, “Fred, I have some good news and some bad news.” Fred said, “Give me the good news.” “They’re going to name a disease after you."

[tjones1935]

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

 

 

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak at the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???

 

Ever wonder why?

 

 

 

It's because she smells like a new golf bag.

[tjones1935]

A little known HOCKEY fact....

 

1874 - The first testicular guard "Cup" was used.

 

1974 - The first helmet was used.

 

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important!

[SKP084967]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

 

He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

 

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

 

You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

 

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

 

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'

 

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're BS me!

 

The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . You started it.'

[SKP084967]

When I went to lunch today, noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing he eyes out. stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old

husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then

gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and

freshly ground coffee..' I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He

makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then

makes love to me for half the afternoon. I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a

gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.

' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

[skp51443]

I'm not smiling... I only hit one number.

 

Winner, SD with 3100 people, no way he is gonna be able to hide!

 

$232.1 Million Powerball Jackpot Won in Winner, South Dakota

One lucky ticket sold in the town of Winner, South Dakota (really!) matched all 6 numbers Wednesday and won the $232.1 million jackpot.

[Rick & Karen]

Do you know what happened 159 years ago this Fall... back in 1850?

 

California became a State. The people had no electricity. The state

had no money.

 

Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets.

 

So basically, nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and

the men didn't hold hands.

[tjones1935]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A new supermarket opened near my house.

 

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

 

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of freshly mowed hay.

 

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

 

The sound of a breeze in the trees and water in a babbling

brook welcomes you to the fish display.

 

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and

cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

 

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & chocolate chip cookies.

 

 

 

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[SKP084967]

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

 

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

 

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

 

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

 

He addressed the man,

 

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

 

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

[sandsys]

As a deputy sheriff in a county starting to become part of a metro area, our friend, Tom, occassionally answered wild animal calls. Expecting to find a cougar in the backyard of the new McMansion he was surprised to find only a raccoon. Trying to explain to the lady of the house how what she called "that rodent" could be beneficial he said, "They keep away the skunks."

[skp51443]

Someone slipped me a couple pictures of Mark and Kellie hard at work. You get to guess which is which. :-)

 

 

[mnemeth]

Come on, Stan.... I would NEVER drink Bud Light

 

...other than that, fairly accurate!

 

LOL!

[mnemeth]

Stan! I found one of your old baby pictures!

[Holly N. Henry]

Old Fred had been a resident of a nursing home for many years when he noticed a new gal at lunch. He went over to her and asked her if she wanted to have sex. Agashted, she said, "NO." Then Fred said, "Well, would you hold my penis?" She agreed, and they went down to the laundry room and she held his penis for 20 minutes. They did this every day for a month. One day Hazel went to the laundry room, and she saw Fred with the woman who had just arrived yesterday at the nursing home. Hazel started crying when she saw them together and yelled, "Fred, I can't believe that you are letting her hold your penis. What does she have that I don't have?" Fred answered, "Parkinsons."

[Red Ram]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.

 

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

 

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

 

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No,I never did dance, -- just never wanted to.'

 

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector in order to not get a toe blow off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied.

 

When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.

 

The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

The boy bully swallowed hard and said,'No.But I've always wanted to.'

 

There are two lessons for us all here:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people.

 

I just love a story with a happy ending..

[Red Ram]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely DIE!!!

 

"Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he's in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. As this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim."If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

 

On the way home the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

 

She replied,"You're gonna die"---

[StarDreamers.us]

Charley the Wal-Mart greeter

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company.

 

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a fantastic job, but your being late so often is bothersome. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

 

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Coffee this morning, sir?'"

[tjones1935]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a

box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

 

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old

are you?"

 

"Eight," the boy replied.

 

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

 

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for

him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use

these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do

either."

[tjones1935]

10. CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

 

9. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

 

8. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

 

7. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

 

6. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

 

5. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children’s names.

 

4. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

 

3. Motel Six won’t leave the lights on.

 

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

 

 

 

And my most favorite indicator of all.

 

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

[SKP099348]

The End is Near...(Boudreaux & Thibodaux)

 

 

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.

 

They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

 

'Da End is Near Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now Afore It Be Too Late!'

 

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

 

From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...

 

Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'

[bowtiepuller]

Texans, you gotta love em.

 

One thing about TEXANS is that their hearts are always in the right place!

 

T . B . Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Midland, TX , was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

 

HIS STATEMENT:

 

'If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will save just one Texas GI's life, then I have just three things to say,'

 

'Red is positive, black is negative and make sure his nuts are wet.'