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Can I SMILE today?


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Note Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:

 

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I val ue you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.'

 

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

 

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

 

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small dif ference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Danny

Fleetwood Bounder

 

SKP 95894

We have two choices each time we awake. Live or exist.

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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City

, where a woman

may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the

entrance is a

description of how the store operates:

 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors

and the value of

the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may

choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to

go up to the next

floor, but you cannot go back down, except to exit the

building!

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On

the first floor

the sign on the door reads:

 

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She is intrigued but continues to the second floor where

the sign reads:

 

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want

more."

 

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

 

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely

good looking.

"Wow!" she thinks but feels compelled to keep

going.

 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead

good looking, and

help with housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims. "I can hardly stand it!

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead

gorgeous, help with

housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,

where the sign

reads:

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 5,131,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on

this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women

are impossible to

please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

 

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened

a New Wives store

just across the street.

 

The first floor has women who love sex.

 

The second floor has women wh o love sex, have money, and

like beer.

 

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been

visited.

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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THOUGHTS ON WALKING...

 

Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

 

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60… Now he's 97 years old... and we haven't a clue where he is.

 

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

 

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

 

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

 

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. ...apparently you have to actually go there.

 

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

 

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

 

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

 

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

 

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill was enough.

 

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our skulls. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

 

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

 

You could run this over to your friends, but just e-mail it to them

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Yes, there really is a COOL, California.

Judy, Luke, and GSD Miss Shade

SKP# 89390 - Boomers, SKP Elks, SKP Geocachers, Chapt. 8

CoolRVers on the Road Blog

Selling 2007 Itasca Horizon 40TD and 06 Honda CR-V

2019 Dynamax Isata 3 Series 24FW

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IDIOT SIGHTING :blink:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership

to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in

it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic

working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I

watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the

door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its

open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that

side.'

:rolleyes:

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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:P Robot Lie Detector

 

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

 

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

 

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

 

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. :P

 

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

 

0A'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

 

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

 

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

 

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.' :o

 

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. :P

 

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

 

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair. ;)

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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Hell to be Old

 

 

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An

85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as

part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. '

 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office

and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous

day.

 

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,

it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then

I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

 

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then

with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with

the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even

called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with

both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between

her knees, but still nothing.'

 

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man

replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open. ;):blink:

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Yes, there really is a COOL, California.

Judy, Luke, and GSD Miss Shade

SKP# 89390 - Boomers, SKP Elks, SKP Geocachers, Chapt. 8

CoolRVers on the Road Blog

Selling 2007 Itasca Horizon 40TD and 06 Honda CR-V

2019 Dynamax Isata 3 Series 24FW

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NEW TECHNOLOGY...

 

In the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like the dickens! I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

 

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.' So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. 10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

 

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found on aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

 

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. H e deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

 

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

 

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Yes, there really is a COOL, California.

Judy, Luke, and GSD Miss Shade

SKP# 89390 - Boomers, SKP Elks, SKP Geocachers, Chapt. 8

CoolRVers on the Road Blog

Selling 2007 Itasca Horizon 40TD and 06 Honda CR-V

2019 Dynamax Isata 3 Series 24FW

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Two Garbage Bags

 

:D A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, :blink::o 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

 

 

 

:( 'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..'

' :( Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

 

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'

 

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

 

:P 'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays....'

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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:) I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.

 

Internal Revenue 'Service'

U.S. Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Cable TV 'Service'

Civil 'Service'

State, City, County & Public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

 

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM !!! :angry: It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those 'Service' agencies are doing to us !!!

 

Now you are as enlightened as I am. :P

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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Never Choke in a restaurant in the South [/b]

 

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

 

Suddenly, a woman at! a nearby y table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

 

The woman shakes her head no.

 

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

 

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

 

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back t o the bar.

 

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

 

 

Yes, I'm a true Southerner.

Just fluttering by in our "Crammit Inn".

2002 Carriage LS, FL60 Freightliner Crewcab- Just remember to wash your hands and say your prayers,

cause germs and God are everywhere.

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:rolleyesA couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back

and inform the other of the afterlife.

 

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

 

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

 

True to his word, he made the first contact, ' Judy, Judy.....

 

'Is that you, Steve?'

 

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed... there is afterlife'

 

'That's wonderful! What's it like?'

 

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's

off to the golf course. I have sex again, :rolleyes: bathe in the warm sun and then

have sex a couple of more times. ;)

 

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens), another romp around

the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. :(

 

After supper, it's back to the golf course again.

 

Then it's more sex until late at night. :lol: I catch some much needed sleep

and then the next day it starts all over again.'

 

'Oh, Steve, you surely must be in heaven!'

 

'Not exactly ..... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona. :P ' :

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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Health Tips From The Beer Guy!

 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

 

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

 

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

 

A: How could that be true? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually, so how could speeding up your heart make you live longer? That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

 

Q: My wife/girlfriend says I should cut down on meat, and eat more fruits and vegetables.

 

A: Your wife just doesn't grasp logistical efficiencies the way you do. Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And what's corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass.

 

Q: Is beer bad for you?

 

A: I normally don't like to answer questions which deal with my religious values, but I find this question so ridiculous I simply have to say something. Look, it goes to the earlier point about vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. Well, we all know that beer is not an animal, and it's not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My

advice: Have a burger and a beer and tell everyone you're on a vegetarian diet.

 

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?

 

A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs, though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to re-evaluate your exercise program...

among other things.

 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program.

 

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.

 

Q: I'm getting a little soft around the middle. Will sit-ups help this?

 

A: Definitely not! Look, when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger, right? You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

 

Q: I thought it would be good for me to carry my clubs when I play golf, but last weekend some idiot almost ran over me with the golf cart!

 

A: Ooh, sorry, I was reaching into my cooler and didn't see you.

 

Q: There's a lot of equipment available at the gym today, like the treadmill, the stair-stepper, etc. Which one do you recommend?

 

A: The strato-lounger.

RV/Derek
http://www.rvroadie.com Email on the bottom of my website page.
Retired AF 1971-1998


When you see a worthy man, endeavor to emulate him. When you see an unworthy man, look inside yourself. - Confucius

 

“Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.” ... Voltaire

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Answering Machine Message for the Mental Health Institute

 

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive or compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6

If you are paranoid, we already know who you are, but stay on

the line while we trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be

transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice

will tell you which number to press.

If you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short

term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss,

press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators

are too busy to talk to you.

RV/Derek
http://www.rvroadie.com Email on the bottom of my website page.
Retired AF 1971-1998


When you see a worthy man, endeavor to emulate him. When you see an unworthy man, look inside yourself. - Confucius

 

“Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.” ... Voltaire

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12 Things you don't want to hear from "Technical Support"

 

1. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

2. "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

3. "So -- what are you wearing?"

4. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

5. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."

6. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with '60 Minutes'.

Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

7. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of

duct tape, and a car battery."

8. "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."

9. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

10. "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

11. "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of 'Dianetics'."

12. "Please hold for Mr. Gates's attorney."

RV/Derek
http://www.rvroadie.com Email on the bottom of my website page.
Retired AF 1971-1998


When you see a worthy man, endeavor to emulate him. When you see an unworthy man, look inside yourself. - Confucius

 

“Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.” ... Voltaire

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How To Tell If You Are a

"High Tech Redneck"

 

1. If your email address ends in ".over.yonder.com"

2. If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"

3. If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is

a laptop"

4. If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and

Wesson"

5. If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a

cellular phone

6. If your baseball cap reads "Cloud Computing" instead of "CAT"

7. If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined

8. If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go"...and

you still don't miss her

9. If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer

10. If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"

11. If your screen saver is an image of your favorite truck,

tractor, or farm animal

12. If you start all your emails with the words "Howdy y'all"

13. If your spell checker knows words like "Y'all", "Yonder", and

"Reckon"

14. If your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead

CPU's, Printers, Modems, and Monitors

15. If your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" Hard drive

RV/Derek
http://www.rvroadie.com Email on the bottom of my website page.
Retired AF 1971-1998


When you see a worthy man, endeavor to emulate him. When you see an unworthy man, look inside yourself. - Confucius

 

“Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.” ... Voltaire

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Computer Gender

 

A marketing director for a prominent computer manufacturer was devising a new

advertising campaign for his company. While researching consumer response to

his product, he asked "Naval ships are commonly referred to as 'she' or 'her'.

What gender would you assign to your computer? Give four reasons to support

your answer..."

 

A large group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in

The masculine gender because:

 

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the

time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had

waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

 

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to

in the feminine gender because:

 

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other

computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for

later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself

spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

RV/Derek
http://www.rvroadie.com Email on the bottom of my website page.
Retired AF 1971-1998


When you see a worthy man, endeavor to emulate him. When you see an unworthy man, look inside yourself. - Confucius

 

“Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.” ... Voltaire

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:) An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' :(

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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Guest Caseyj

A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

 

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.? 'You talk?' he asks.'Yep,' the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

 

The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.? I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines.? You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'

 

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.? I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.? So, I decided to settle down.

 

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.? I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.? I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

 

The guy is amazed.? He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

 

'Ten dollars?? This dog is amazing!? Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

 

'Because he's such a lier ... He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Navy!'

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:D One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Randy standing in the foyer

of the church staring up at a large plaque.

It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side

of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the

pastor walked up,

stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Randy.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor,

what is this?'

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and

women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Randy's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear

asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?' :(

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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:D

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!" :lol:

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

 

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

 

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

 

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

11. A h ole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

 

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

 

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

 

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

 

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

 

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

 

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

 

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

 

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

 

23. Wh en cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

08 26'Excell, 08F350

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  • 1 month later...

An office manager at Walmart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

 

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

 

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

 

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

 

"Hmm.... Let me see. A BLINK It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

 

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."

 

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

 

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.

 

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

 

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

 

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

 

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already pooped in my pants.

 

Old Bubba iz the new "Greeter" at the Houston Walmart.

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The Rambo Granny of Melbourne, Australia

 

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - and shot off their testicles.

 

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -and, when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp.

 

Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: 'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.'

 

Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth , 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cell mate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

 

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. 'The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, 'but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to,'

 

Detective Delp told reporters. 'Both men are still in pretty bad shape,

 

'but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.'

 

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter

 

Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row.

 

'When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, 'I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself ''cause I figured the Law would go easy on them,' recalled the retired library worker.. 'And I wasn't scared of them, either - because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. 'And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one.'

 

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos, tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill-fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

 

'I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway

 

'and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them,' the oldster recalled...

 

 

'So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door, 'and the minute the big one opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs,'right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know.

 

'Then I went in and shot the other one 'as he backed up pleading to me to spare him.'Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.'

 

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. 'What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison,' Det. Delp said, 'especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for Mayor.'

 

DEPORT HER TO AMERICA - WE NEED HER!

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