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#41 Jim and Carolyn

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Posted 27 June 2007 - 03:57 AM

George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline.

We want to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants!

That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down. then, bring our troops home from Iraq to guard our Southern border.

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq.

Tell him if he wants to come to America he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered, taxed and be a legal patriot.

This option will probably deter illegal immegration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life or themselves.

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved.
Jim and Carolyn (And Sandy, The Wonder Dog)
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#42 Stanley P. Miller

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Posted 23 August 2007 - 12:34 PM

Wanna be famous???

http://www.kptv.com/news/13950927/detail.html

Clackamas County deputies said Richard Berkey, 63, was spotted by campers in a latrine area at the Big Fan Campground near Bagby Hot Springs in Estacada.

After he was seen hiding in dense foliage, Berkey was chased down and tackled by Jason Dugan, who was camping with friends, according to deputies.

“He didn’t say anything and I caught a side profile and I just knew. I took off up the hill and I yelled for one of my friends,” said Dugan.

Three men then took Berkey to their campsite and tied him to a tree while another camper left in search of authorities.

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#43 KATHY ROSE

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Posted 15 August 2007 - 12:56 PM

>> ">> > Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
>> little
>> > 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe
>>that we
>> > CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...
>> >
>> > A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a
>> > construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
>>The
>> > young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
>> > the
>> > activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
>> > workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them
>>gems-in-the-rough,
>> > more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with
>>her,
>> > let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave
>>her
>> > little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
>> > At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
>> > envelope
>> > containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her
>>mother
>> > who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that
>> > they
>> > take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to
>>start
>> > a savings account.
>> >
>> > When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked
>>the
>> > little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young
>>age.
>> > The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
>>building
>> > the house next door to us."
>> >
>> > "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on
>> > the
>> > house again this week, too?
>> > The little girl replied, "I will if those GD @$$holes at Home Depot
>> > ever deliver the f...... sheet rock..."
>> >
>> > Stories like this just bring a tear to your eye.

#44 tjones1935

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Posted 02 March 2007 - 07:50 AM

An old-time southern, hell fire & brimstone country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whisky and
- a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good, low down drunkard, and, Lord, help me.... what a shame that would be.And worst of all..... if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin,' no good bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"
tjones1935

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.
.

#45 CoolJudy

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Posted 21 June 2007 - 10:50 AM

Sister Rebecca, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street.

One of the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
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#46 RW

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Posted 24 December 2006 - 08:48 AM

Christmas, that time of year when people descend into the bunker of the family. - Byron Rogers

Merry Christmas to all.
38' 1996 Alfa Gold
FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.
who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

#47 RW

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Posted 04 November 2006 - 04:49 PM

A florist went into a barber shop to get his hair cut. When he reached for his wallet to pay the barber the barber said, "Oh, I'm doing this for community service. I cannot accept your money." The florist graciously thanked him.

Next morning when the barber arrived at work there was a thank you card from the florist and a dozen carnations.

Later that day a policeman came into the barber shop. When he reached for his wallet the barber's reply was the same, "Oh, I'm doing this for community service. I cannot accept your money."

The policeman graciously thanked him.

Next morning when the barber arrived at work there was a thank you card from the policeman and a dozen donuts.

Later that day a senator came into the barber shop. He got a haircut and was reaching for his wallet when the barber said, "I'm doing this for community service. I cannot accept your money." The senator thanked him and left.

The next morning when the barber arrived at work there were a dozen Senators on his doorstep.
Amy
Senior.com
38' 1996 Alfa Gold
FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.
who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

#48 linda

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Posted 02 October 2007 - 12:45 PM

[quote]The bad news is I missed several in the political thought section (should have paid more attention in that philosophy class). The good news is I scored higher that the Harvard seniors. Guess that means I don't have to pay tuition at Harvard--thank goodness.

#49 Stanley P. Miller

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Posted 23 June 2007 - 08:22 PM

http://www.abc4.com/news/local/story.aspx?...ac-8ed5d2d203eb

It was a wild and dangerous night in Ogden, UT Friday.

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#50 Windbreaker

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Posted 15 August 2007 - 10:38 AM

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING!!!!! Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall!

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my Grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal and women with big tits."

#51 Lee Jacobs

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Posted 09 February 2008 - 11:08 AM

Why did the chicken cross the road?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
---------------------------------------------------------------

OPRAH :
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GEORGE W.. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

PAT BUCHANAN :
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MARTHA STEWART :
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ERNEST HEMINGWAY :
To die in the rain. Alone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JERRY FALWELL :
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GRANDPA :
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BARBARA WALTERS :
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ARISTOTLE :
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ALBERT EINSTEIN :
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BILL CLINTON :
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COLONEL SANDERS :
Did I miss one?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DICK CHENEY :
Where's my gun?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AL SHARPTON :
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
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#52 RW

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Posted 12 August 2006 - 10:33 AM

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
38' 1996 Alfa Gold
FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.
who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

#53 Shirleyshusband

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Posted 20 March 2008 - 09:40 AM

don't mess with old people

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They always ask at the doctor's office why you
are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and
sometimes it is embarrassing.


There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell
her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of
us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you
please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'



'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.



The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come
into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'


'Why not? You asked me what was wr ong an d I told you,' he said.



The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment
in this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'



The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room
full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man
walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.



The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'



'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.



The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'



'I can't pi$$ out of it,' he replied.



The waiting room erupted in laughter.


Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose

08 26'Excell, 08F350


#54 Trucken

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Posted 19 June 2008 - 02:04 PM

Do you know what a Yankee is?

Nope, it's like a quickie except you can do it yourself.

Trucken.

#55 choo-choo baby

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Posted 19 October 2007 - 08:21 AM

I've been gone awhile and a quick review here tells me I have missed a bunch. I will get busy catching up over the w/e.

In the meantime, I was sent something that I thought worth sharing and I posted a link in my blog. Anyone up for a brief trip back in time, click on my blog link below, then click the link there. The "show" is about five minutes long and I think most people here are old enough to appreciate it (but you don't have to 'fess up to that -- just go enjoy.)

#56 RW

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Posted 16 October 2006 - 05:38 AM

Steven Wright-isms
He's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates."

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
38' 1996 Alfa Gold
FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.
who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

#57 RW

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Posted 19 August 2006 - 07:07 AM

You have made me SMILE -blow my nose & wipe my eyes and think of my DAD all at the same time. Thank you
38' 1996 Alfa Gold
FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.
who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

#58 RW

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Posted 14 November 2006 - 06:35 AM

A Positive Attitude --

Jokes and Humor Can Help

New stimuli and a positive attitude are attributed to "successful" aging.

(It's not enough to just tick off the birthdays.)
Specific attitude issues to think about to achieve this are:

*
Atittude 1 -- Take risks in life.
*
Atittude 2 --Respect your own opinion.
*
Atittude 3 --Be flexible and adaptable.
*
Atittude 4 --Take on new challenges and learn new things.
*
Atittude 5 --Deal with pain and losses, but don't hold on to the suffering they bring.
*
Atittude 6 --See the half full glass.
*
Atittude 7 --Take care of yourself with healthy eating and regular exercise.
*
Atittude 8 --Don't accept societies myths as true about you.
38' 1996 Alfa Gold
FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.
who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

#59 CoolJudy

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Posted 23 January 2008 - 01:55 PM

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008
(Rated R for Carlin's style of language)

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff "you" want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're
a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect
it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these
kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice
with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering My PIN! Number , pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make
you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to
beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's
called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27
months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays
better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do
you want fries with that?'
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Yes, there really is a COOL, California.
Judy, Luke, and Star
SKP# 89390 - Boomers, SKP Elks, SKP Geocachers, Chapt. 8
FMCA, WIT, Datastorm User #15998, SKYPE: coolrvers
CoolRVers on the Road Blog
2007 Itasca Horizon 40TD and 06 Honda CR-V

#60 CoolJudy

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Posted 14 August 2006 - 11:04 PM

Sad News

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed recently.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Hush up. You know it's funny. Posted Image
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Yes, there really is a COOL, California.
Judy, Luke, and Star
SKP# 89390 - Boomers, SKP Elks, SKP Geocachers, Chapt. 8
FMCA, WIT, Datastorm User #15998, SKYPE: coolrvers
CoolRVers on the Road Blog
2007 Itasca Horizon 40TD and 06 Honda CR-V