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#241 tjones1935

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Posted 01 February 2007 - 06:52 PM

Wisdom


I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you..... If you upset her even more you get the silent treatmeant.



Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
======================================================================
When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"


The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"
tjones1935

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.
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#242 tjones1935

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Posted 22 October 2006 - 12:27 PM

Why Men aren't published on Dear Abby.

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my
wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't
know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she
has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a
taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and
she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again
and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the
garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole
street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be
leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer?

Thanks,

Bob
tjones1935

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.
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#243 Dalguy

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Posted 25 January 2007 - 09:59 AM

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, about mid eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
--Karl
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#244 Dalguy

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Posted 01 February 2007 - 11:13 PM

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!” says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
--Karl
Fulltimer in training

#245 Lee Jacobs

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Posted 04 February 2007 - 09:46 PM

That's funny, Judy. Here's another along the same lines, but this time, it's TRUE. Honest! Our granddaughter, Maddy, has just turned 9. Several months ago, when their minister asked for 'Joys and Concerns', Maddy (with no prior discussion with her parents) popped up and briskly walked down the center aisle to the front of the church. Not a large place, so she didn't need a microphone, but her voice is strong and confident. She explained that she had recently had both a concern AND a joy. First, the concern, Maddy informed everyone, and went on to describe how worried she had been about the grade she just knew she was going to be getting in one of her classes. Maddy's not afraid to speak in public, so her 'concern' was accompanied by lots of facial expression and hand waving. Just as her 'audience' was feeling sorry for her and some were wishing her a better time next semester, Maddy said, "but wait.... I have a JOY, too! I got an A in that class!!" This last was shouted out with GLEE!!! Her Nanna has a JOY, too..... Maddy & her sister, Jamie!! Love those girls!

Lee
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#246 Jim and Carolyn

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Posted 31 July 2007 - 09:43 AM

A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!) Posted Image

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."

Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts. Capetown is in Africa." Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" ( Posted Image OMG)


4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." ( Posted Image OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." ( Posted Image Arrghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 AM got to Chicago at 8:33 AM. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. Posted Image

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!"

After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere. "The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply! "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
Jim and Carolyn (And Sandy, The Wonder Dog)
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#247 RW

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Posted 14 April 2007 - 07:26 PM

BuscrusherS' " CLASSES FOR MEN" HDT forum under the humor thread.
"In the interest of keeping things "fair and balanced", here's one for you ladies to laugh about!

Gentlemen, look these over carefully to see which ones you need to enroll in. If you need help deciding – ask your wife & she will be glad to direct you !!

CLASSES FOR MEN
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED ASAP
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How To FIll Up The Ice Cube Trays ---
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? ---
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM.
Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesday at 7:00 PM.
Location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours Beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM.
Location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors!"



RW says
All classes can be held at our home and maybe I'll get a little break.

Yours truly,
Susie home maker RW

P.S. I thought a " Good house keeper" was the one who got the house in the divorce settlement.
My hat is off to wifes that are GREAT HOME MAKERS.
Today I made my first cheese cake & AliceMae has eaten three slices already.
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who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

#248 nana25k

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Posted 18 August 2006 - 04:00 PM

A Lady with few skills applied at the toy factory for a job. After much searching the manager finally found a post for her and told her to report to work the next morning for work at 8AM.
At 8:45 the floor manager appeared at the managers door pulling out his hair. "Please you have got to do something about the new hire. The toy line is backed up so bad we are now 3 days behind schedule."
The manager went down and observed the lady. There she sat placing two balls in each piece of fabric and sewing them on to the toy.
Slapping himself in the forehead the manager screamed: " NO...no...no



"I told you to give Elmo two test TICKLES!"

Ron & Linda

Class of 2007
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#249 RW

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Posted 05 April 2007 - 12:07 PM

A guy from Tennessee passed away and left his entire estate to his
beloved widow, but she can't touch it till she's 14.


How do you know when you're staying in an Tennessee hotel? When you
call the front desk and say, "I got a leak in my sink," and the clerk
replies, "Go ahead."


How can you tell if an Tennessee redneck is married? There's dried
tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.


Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
Tennessee to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.



What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Tennessee ........
Documentaries.


A Tennessee State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30 and says to
the driver, "Got any I.D.?"and the driver replies " 'Bout wut?"


Did you hear about the $3 million Tennessee State Lottery? The winner
gets $3.00 a year for a million years.


The governor's mansion in Tennessee burned down! Yep. Pert' near took
out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books -
poof! up in flames, and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.


A new law was recently passed in Tennessee . When a couple gets
divorced,they are STILL cousins.


A guy walks into a bar in Tennessee and orders a mudslide. The
bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania " The bartender looks at him
and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania ?" "I'm a taxidermist," said
the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the
world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man says,"I mount animals." The bartender
stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us."
38' 1996 Alfa Gold
FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.
who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

#250 RW

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Posted 16 August 2006 - 01:09 PM

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf
38' 1996 Alfa Gold
FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.
who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

#251 michaelg

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Posted 16 August 2006 - 01:14 PM

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
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#252 Dalguy

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Posted 31 August 2007 - 11:25 AM

[quote]Glad I had the chance to read it... that was just too funny!
--Karl
Fulltimer in training

#253 RW

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Posted 01 June 2007 - 08:40 PM

That cow must have been a Holesink cow.

WOW I'm easy to get a laugh out of myself!
38' 1996 Alfa Gold
FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.
who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

#254 RW

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Posted 14 January 2007 - 10:43 AM

Yes I can remember this.
(you'll need (pc)speed to see this)
http://oldfortyfives.com/DYRT.htm
38' 1996 Alfa Gold
FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.
who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

#255 RW

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Posted 13 October 2006 - 11:29 PM

A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.


The first worm was put
into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put
into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into
a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into
a container of good clean soil.


At the conclusion of the sermon,
the Minister reported the following results:


The first worm in alcohol -
Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke -
Dead .



Third worm in chocolate syrup -
Dead



Fourth worm in good clean soil -
Alive.


So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?



Maxine was setting in the back,
quickly raised her hand and said,


"As long as you drink,
smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"
38' 1996 Alfa Gold
FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.
who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

#256 Lee Jacobs

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Posted 14 May 2008 - 06:24 AM

JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question
and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the
cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches
from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the
still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared me!'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he
didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab..... I've been driving a hearse for
the last 25 years.'
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#257 tjones1935

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Posted 10 February 2008 - 02:29 PM

Arthur is 95 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement
30 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he
tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad…once
I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, "Why don't you
take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three.
He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is
perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the
fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I can't remember."
tjones1935

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.
.

#258 Stanley P. Miller

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Posted 29 November 2007 - 02:42 PM

Reason Number 37 to own an MDT or HDT:

450 kegs of beer - try pulling that with a pickup!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071129/od_uk_...reland_guinness

DUBLIN (Reuters) - A thief made off with 180 kegs of Guinness beer after smoothly driving into the Dublin brewery which makes the black stout and snatching a trailer load of drink, police said on Thursday.

The incident took place on Wednesday at the Guinness brewery on the banks of Dublin's River Liffey where Ireland's trademark tipple has been brewed for almost 250 years.

The lone raider's haul also contained 180 kegs of Budweiser and 90 barrels of Carlsberg lager, police said.

"A man drove into the yard in a truck and took a trailer containing the drink which has an estimated value of 64,000 euros (46.000 pounds)," a police spokesman said.

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Sell a customer a Linux computer and you'll eat for a day.
Sell a customer a Windows computer and you'll eat for a lifetime.


#259 CoolJudy

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Posted 09 February 2008 - 08:56 PM

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.


She smiled and explained,
'I married one for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready, and four to go.'
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#260 alicemae

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Posted 15 January 2007 - 07:35 AM

Hope I don't offend anyone, but I just couldn't help myself. It is just too funny. I was wondering the same thing!!! (not really)

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved
in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St.Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting,
they begin to wonder:could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, " I
don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go
find out, " and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed;
the couple was still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that
if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the
eternal aspect of it all. "

What if it doesn't work? " they wondered, " Are we stuck
together FOREVER? "

After yet another month, St . Peter finally returns, looking
somewhat bedraggled. " Yes, " he informs the couple, " you can
get married in Heaven. "

" Great! " said the couple, " But we were just wondering,
what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce
in Heaven? "

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the
ground.

" What's wrong? " asked the frightened couple.

" OH, COME ON! " St. Peter shouts, " It took me three
months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how
long it's going to take me to find a LAWYER? "
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