CoolJudy Posted August 29, 2007 Report Share Posted August 29, 2007 This is great…. Moms (and grandmas & grandpas) can certainly identify with this…. Funny eBay listing... Read it before it disappears. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Yes, there really is a COOL, California. Judy, Luke, and GSD Miss Shade SKP# 89390 - Boomers, SKP Elks, SKP Geocachers, Chapt. 8 CoolRVers on the Road Blog Selling 2007 Itasca Horizon 40TD and 06 Honda CR-V 2019 Dynamax Isata 3 Series 24FW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dalguy Posted August 31, 2007 Report Share Posted August 31, 2007 Glad I had the chance to read it... that was just too funny! --Karl Fulltimer in training Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim and Carolyn Posted September 5, 2007 Report Share Posted September 5, 2007 This Might Hurt A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week." Nurses are important.... Jim and Carolyn (And Sandy, The Wonder Dog) SKP# 97859 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim and Carolyn Posted September 5, 2007 Report Share Posted September 5, 2007 2007 Groaners Awards (1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are." (2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. (3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." (4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. (5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!" (6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on." (7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on." (8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census." (9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?" Jim and Carolyn (And Sandy, The Wonder Dog) SKP# 97859 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim and Carolyn Posted September 6, 2007 Report Share Posted September 6, 2007 Deleted Jim and Carolyn (And Sandy, The Wonder Dog) SKP# 97859 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKP084967 Posted September 19, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 19, 2007 We all need a tree I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation.. His face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. "Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children... So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again." "Funny thing is," he smiled," when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before." 38' 1996 Alfa Gold FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ. who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKP094972 Posted September 20, 2007 Report Share Posted September 20, 2007 Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her. So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so. The Moral of the Story: Wait for it... Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars !! Dave and Betsy, Beau the Lab, 06 Duromax/Allison. N4SIJ. Class of 06. We have a Big Sky Montana. In the Savannah, Ga. area for the bulk of the winter. "Some RV salesmen are like Slinkys, not good for much, but they make you smile when you kick them down the stairs" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunbearpa Posted September 25, 2007 Report Share Posted September 25, 2007 Once again The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are: 1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. ;-) SunBearPA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunbearpa Posted September 25, 2007 Report Share Posted September 25, 2007 The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners: 1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness. 8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 9. Karmageddon (n): it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action. 12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature: 16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole. ;-) SunBearPa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim and Carolyn Posted September 25, 2007 Report Share Posted September 25, 2007 GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus 4) You look like Santa Claus. SUCCESS: At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants. At age 12 success is . having friends. At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 35 success is . having money. At age 50 success is . . . having money. At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 75 success is . having friends. At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants. Jim and Carolyn (And Sandy, The Wonder Dog) SKP# 97859 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim and Carolyn Posted September 25, 2007 Report Share Posted September 25, 2007 Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old? Well... You'll love this tale from a woman! I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new Dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class nearly 40 years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride." “When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1968. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled, bald, fat, grey, decrepit son-of-a-b**** asked, "What did you teach? Jim and Carolyn (And Sandy, The Wonder Dog) SKP# 97859 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKP084967 Posted September 25, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 25, 2007 athe•ist "a-the-ist one who denies the existence of God: and says "Thank God I am an atheist" Remember this is to hopefully bring a Smile to you today! 38' 1996 Alfa Gold FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ. who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim and Carolyn Posted September 26, 2007 Report Share Posted September 26, 2007 Sad, but oh, so true... SCHOOL 1967 and earlier vs. 2007 Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack. 1967 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack. 2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. 1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled. 2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students. 1967 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability. Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2007 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist. Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. 1967 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock. 2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario: Pedro fails high school English. 1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college. 2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed. 1967 - Ants die. 2007 - Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Homeland Security and FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Heather. Heather hugs him to comfort him. 1967 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2007 - Heather is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy. Jim and Carolyn (And Sandy, The Wonder Dog) SKP# 97859 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bowtiepuller Posted September 26, 2007 Report Share Posted September 26, 2007 Sad....................but true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKP084967 Posted September 26, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 26, 2007 True story. A few years before my Dad pasted away, He said to me. "Maybe I didn't do a good job raising you three kids" And, I quickly agreed with him and said "No you didn't Dad!! you raised three great young adults not kids". 38' 1996 Alfa Gold FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ. who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Posted September 27, 2007 Report Share Posted September 27, 2007 Anger Management When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I dialed what I thought was Robyn's number. A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "There's no Robyn here. Get the right f**king number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is," he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd., in Ventura. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" But I didn't hang up. "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Ventura., a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole!" I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Ventura, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd., Ventura. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch the two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger Management really works.... Carl "Before you criticize people, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skp51443 Posted September 28, 2007 Report Share Posted September 28, 2007 Ouch! This is no way to cheer yourself up... Massachusetts Institute of Technology -- Entrance Examination, 1869-70 http://libraries.mit.edu/archives/exhibits/exam/ Pardon me while I get an ice-pack for my bruised ego. First rule of computer consulting: Sell a customer a Linux computer and you'll eat for a day. Sell a customer a Windows computer and you'll eat for a lifetime. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mgood Posted September 28, 2007 Report Share Posted September 28, 2007 If you want something more recent (and multiple choice!) try this civics quiz. http://www.americancivicliteracy.org/resources/quiz.aspx Took the plunge! Blogging at http://www.free-the-memes.net Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKP084967 Posted October 2, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 Carl, you have made my day! I even ignored my pain and just laughed until I cried and my sides hurt so bad, so what! I will read it again. RW thought I was crying, which I was, but that was so funny. I will have to get two assholes on my phone. Thanks AliceMae 38' 1996 Alfa Gold FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ. who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linda Posted October 2, 2007 Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 The bad news is I missed several in the political thought section (should have paid more attention in that philosophy class). The good news is I scored higher that the Harvard seniors. Guess that means I don't have to pay tuition at Harvard--thank goodness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKP084967 Posted October 6, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2007 Las Vegas Churches THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS. NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED. SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS. THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN. THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...!. YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ..? GOTCHA !! Now it's your turn to tag someone else! Have a great day! 38' 1996 Alfa Gold FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ. who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tjones1935 Posted October 6, 2007 Report Share Posted October 6, 2007 A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them, and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?" "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly. "Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the officer... "Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied tjones1935 tjones1935 If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tjones1935 Posted October 10, 2007 Report Share Posted October 10, 2007 THE LAWS OF LIFE Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. Law of the Workshop Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Law of the Theater At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. < BR> Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Rugs/Carpets The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are t alking about. Brown's Law If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Law A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson's Law As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it (this one is true every time). Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. tjones1935 tjones1935 If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKP084967 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2007 If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? --------------------------------- Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. ---------------------------------------- I don't do drugs, because I find I can get the same results by standing up really fast. ----------------------------------------- No one ever says, "It's only a game,"when their team is winning . -------------------------------------------- I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore, I am perfect? 38' 1996 Alfa Gold FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ. who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragonthreads Posted October 14, 2007 Report Share Posted October 14, 2007 I found this website: http://www.suddenlysenior.com/columnlist.html Very interesting and funny. A PRIEST AND A RABBI A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate? "The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh? The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the Rabbi says, "Beats the Hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?" Dick Paula and Dick Fenner Mistofffelees and Shadow our traveling kitties Fulltime RVers Graduating Class of '06 2006 Holiday Rambler Ambassador 40PLQ (The Dragon) BlueOx System Tow: 2006 Suzuki Grand Vitara (The Dragon Tail) Internet Connection: Verizon MiFi2200 Blog Starting 2011 http://www.dragonthreads.blogspot.com Blog Starting 2009:http://www.dragontales.me/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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