Jump to content

Can I SMILE today?


SKP084967

Recommended Posts

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

 

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next

big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

 

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

 

Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

 

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed .. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

 

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus.".

tjones1935

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 604
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Why Men aren't published on Dear Abby.

 

Dear Abby,

 

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what

could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my

wife has been cheating on me.

 

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My

wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I

ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't

know them."

 

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always

walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she

has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a

taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and

she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again

and why was I checking up on her.

 

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep

down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out

again and I decided to really check on her.

 

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the

garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole

street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my

Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be

leaking a little oil.

 

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the

dealer?

 

Thanks,

 

Bob

tjones1935

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In Keeping in the spirit of election time I thought this was as intelligent of a statement as what is in the news.

 

A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this very profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he said, "I think this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware "

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

 

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

 

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

 

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

Gypsy Journal RV Travel Newspaper

http://gypsyjournalrv.com/category/nicksblog/

Author of "Meandering Down The Highway, A Year On The Road With Fulltime RVers" and "Work Your Way Across The USA, You Can Travel & Earn A Living Too!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Listen to your Grandpa

A tough old pilot counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grand- children,

 

a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

****************

 

This illustrates how much we've become dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female?

To see the answer, look down!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not here, DUMMY!

tjones1935

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

25 Truths of Life

 

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a

car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it

again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

 

N. Lellande

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Happy Spooky Night :-)

 

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging, his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost"

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.

 

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're

only allowed one seat."

 

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

 

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

 

Finally they summoned the police.

 

The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

 

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

 

"Where yall from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.

 

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Sam replied,

 

"... the balcony..."

Gypsy Journal RV Travel Newspaper

http://gypsyjournalrv.com/category/nicksblog/

Author of "Meandering Down The Highway, A Year On The Road With Fulltime RVers" and "Work Your Way Across The USA, You Can Travel & Earn A Living Too!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

subject: sounds like the 50's to me oh those were the days amen!!!

 

IN THE LAND OF SANDRA DEE

 

 

 

The Land of Sandra Dee

 

Long ago and far away,

In a land that time forgot,

Before the days of Dylan

Or the dawn of Camelot.

 

There lived a race of innocents,

And they were you and me,

Long ago and far away

In the Land of Sandra Dee.

 

Oh, there was truth and goodness

In that land where we were born,

Where navels were for oranges,

And Peyton Place was porn.

 

For Ike was in the White House,

And Hoss was on TV,

And God was in his heaven

In the Land of Sandra Dee.

 

We learned to gut a muffler,

We washed our hair at dawn,

We spread our crinolines to dry

In circles on the lawn..

 

And they could hear us coming

All the way to Tennessee,

All starched and sprayed and rumbling

in the Land of Sandra Dee.

 

We longed for love and romance,

And waited for the prince,

And Eddie Fisher married Liz,

And no one's seen him since.

 

We danced to "Little Darlin'",

And Sang to "Stagger Lee"

And cried for Buddy Holly

In the Land of Sandra Lee.

 

Only girls wore earrings then,

And three was one too many,

And only boys wore flat-top cuts,

Except for Jean McKinney.

 

And only in our wildest dreams

Did we expect to see

A boy named George with Lipstick

In the Land of Sandra Dee.

 

We fell for Frankie Avalon,

Annette was oh, so nice,

And when they made a movie,

They never made it twice.

 

We didn't have a Star Trek Five,

Or Psycho Two and Three,

Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty

In the Land of Sandra Dee.

 

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold,

And Chester had a limp,

And Reagan was a Democrat

Whose co-star was a chimp.

 

We had a Mr Wizard,

But not a Mr T,

And Oprah couldn't talk yet

In the Land of Sandra Dee.

 

We had our share of heroes,

We never thought they'd go,

At least not Bobby Darin,

Or Marilyn Monroe.

 

For youth was still eternal,

And life was yet to be,

And Elvis was forever,

In the Land of Sandra Dee.

 

We'd never seen the rock band

That was Grateful to be Dead,

And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson,

And Zeppelins weren't Led.

 

And Beatles lived in gardens then,

And Monkees in a tree,

Madonna was a virgin

In the Land of Sandra Dee.

 

We'd never heard of Microwaves,

Or telephones in cars,

And babies might be bottle-fed,

But they weren't grown in jars.

 

And pumping iron got wrinkles out,

And "gay" meant fancy-free,

And dorms were never coed

In the Land of Sandra Dee.

 

We hadn't seen enough of jets

To talk about the lag,

And microchips were what was left at

The bottom of the bag.

 

And Hardware was a box of nails,

And bytes came from a flea,

And rocket ships were fiction

In the Land of Sandra Dee.

 

Buicks came with portholes,

And side show came with freaks,

And bathing suits came big enough

To cover both your cheeks.

 

And Coke came just in bottles,

And skirts came to the knee,

And Castro came to power

In the Land of Sandra Dee.

 

We had no Crest with Fluoride,

We had no Hill Street Blues,

We all wore superstructure bras

Designed by Howard Hughes.

 

We had no patterned pantyhose

Or Lipton herbal tea

Or prime-time ads for condoms

In the Land of Sandra Dee.

 

There were no golden arches,

No Perriers to chill,

And fish were not called Wanda,

And cats were not called Bill.

 

And middle-aged was thirty-five

And old was forty-three,

And ancient were our parents

In the Land of Sandra Dee.

 

But all things have a season,

Or so we've heard them say,

And now instead of Maybelline

We swear by Retin-A.

 

And they send us invitations

To join AARP,

We've come a long way, baby,

 

> From the Land of Sandra Dee.

 

 

So now we face a brave new world

In slightly larger jeans,

And wonder why they're using

Smaller print in magazines.

 

And we tell our children's children

of the way it used to be,

Long ago and far away

In the Land of Sandra Dee.

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My son is an "old Soul". When we moved to this part of Arkansas, he came along also. We moved from a big city with a lot of crime, drive bys, and all the stuff that goes with the big city. If we left a bicycle out in the front yard, or even next to our front door or in the car port, it was gone the next day. Fishing tackle boxes, batteries, anything left out was gone the next day. You reported it to the police and sometimes it helped but this was petty crime to them. You just learned to take care of the stuff yourself.

 

Here in this small Arkansas town, the size of the town I grew up in, it is a different story. Sure we have crime. I am sure they have a dope problem too. Gangs......I don't think so, maybe, just not a problem.

 

Anyhow, my son said it was like stepping back into the 1950s. As he was a child of the 60s, all he had to go on were the TV shows.

 

Still, you can leave stuff in your carport, at your front door, even in the ditch next to the road if you want to. You can leave Christmas presents in your car at the shopping center with the doors unlocked and they will still be there three hours later. You can drop your keys on the floorboard, leave the doors unlocked and not expect the worst. They do not ask for identification when you write a check. (at least at most places). Everyone is friendly and speaks.

 

In my opinion, the 1950s were a more innocent time. Before Vietnam, before gangs in our rural schools, before the dope problem. I, for one, appreciate the "Sandra Dee" time. Maybe because I have been there.

 

But, I do not live in yesterday. I have CNN, the Fox News network, and the newspapers. I do know what goes on in the world. I just wish I could let my granddaughter walk to the movies, down a quiet street or do the things I did as a child. I cannot.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A florist went into a barber shop to get his hair cut. When he reached for his wallet to pay the barber the barber said, "Oh, I'm doing this for community service. I cannot accept your money." The florist graciously thanked him.

 

Next morning when the barber arrived at work there was a thank you card from the florist and a dozen carnations.

 

Later that day a policeman came into the barber shop. When he reached for his wallet the barber's reply was the same, "Oh, I'm doing this for community service. I cannot accept your money."

 

The policeman graciously thanked him.

 

Next morning when the barber arrived at work there was a thank you card from the policeman and a dozen donuts.

 

Later that day a senator came into the barber shop. He got a haircut and was reaching for his wallet when the barber said, "I'm doing this for community service. I cannot accept your money." The senator thanked him and left.

 

The next morning when the barber arrived at work there were a dozen Senators on his doorstep.

Amy

Senior.com

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A woman ready to retire was cautioned by all her friends to arrange direct deposit for her social security check. She was leary about it, but because so many people advised her, she decided to try it. The first three months, on the first, she went to the bank to be sure the money had been deposited. Each time unbeknownst to her she was observed.

 

On the fourth month when she came out of the bank a man accosted her and asked for her money. She told him she didn't have any. He told her he'd been watching her for three months, and knew she had money. Then he frisked her.

 

Finding nothing, he said, "but I watched you for four months. Aren't you cashing a check?" "No", she said, "but if you'll frisk me again I'll write you one".

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A Positive Attitude --

 

Jokes and Humor Can Help

 

New stimuli and a positive attitude are attributed to "successful" aging.

 

(It's not enough to just tick off the birthdays.)

Specific attitude issues to think about to achieve this are:

 

*

Atittude 1 -- Take risks in life.

*

Atittude 2 --Respect your own opinion.

*

Atittude 3 --Be flexible and adaptable.

*

Atittude 4 --Take on new challenges and learn new things.

*

Atittude 5 --Deal with pain and losses, but don't hold on to the suffering they bring.

*

Atittude 6 --See the half full glass.

*

Atittude 7 --Take care of yourself with healthy eating and regular exercise.

*

Atittude 8 --Don't accept societies myths as true about you.

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

 

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

 

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

 

E. Tabb

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

STUPID - BUT ENJOY IT

 

Vincent Van Gogh came from quite a large family, and most of us don't know

anything about the other members. Just in case someone asks you about the

Van Gogh family sometime, this may help you.

 

His dizzy aunt----------------------------Verti Gogh

 

The brother who ate prunes-------------Gotta Gogh

 

The brother who worked at a convenience store--------Stop N Gogh

 

The grandfather from Yugoslavia -------------------U Gogh

 

The cousin from Illinois -------------------Chi-ca Gogh

 

His magician uncle-----------------Where-diddy Gogh

 

His Mexican cousin------------------------A Mee Gogh

 

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother------Grin Gogh

 

The nephew who drove a stage coach-----------Wells-far Gogh

 

The constipated uncle----------------------Cant Gogh

 

The ballroom dancing aunt------------------- Tang Gogh

 

The bird lover uncle-----------------------Fla-min Gogh

 

His nephew psychoanalyst--------------------- E Gogh

 

The fruit loving cousin-----------------------Man Gogh

 

An aunt who taught positive thinking---------Way-to Gogh

 

The little bouncy nephew--------------------Poe Gogh

 

A sister who loved disco----------------------Go Gogh

 

And his niece who travels the country in a van (you guessedit!)------- WinnieBayGogh

 

And there ya Gogh

tjones1935

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

While on an extended RV trip, an elderly couple stopped at a road side restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes.

 

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn their rig around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

 

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

 

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And, as the woman got out of the RV and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

 

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card." icon_wink.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Fred is disgusted with all the over crowding buys a RV and moves to Nevada.

Fifty miles from his nearest neighbor suits him just fine.

 

After six months of being alone, he longs for a little company.

Low and behold a pickup pulls into his drive way.

Tall cowboy gets out and smiles.

Well neighbor saw you move in, he says.

Just have been too busy to come by.

I would like to invite you to a welcome to Nevada party.

 

Sounds great Fred says.

 

Cowboy, says, there will be some heavy drinking going on.

Fred says, I can handle my booze with the best.

 

Cowboy says, now with all this drinking, sure to be a few fights!

Fred says, Why I was golden gloves, fighting comes natural.

 

Cowboy, now after the drinking, fighting, there sure is going to be a lot of SEX.

Fred smiles, now that sounds like the best invite ever.

What do you want me wear.

 

Cowboy, don’t matter much.

Just going be you and me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

 

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, and sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

 

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

 

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

 

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

 

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

 

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

 

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

 

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say,"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

 

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

 

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

 

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage,holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

 

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

 

There was stunned silence.

 

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered."

======================================================

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Yes, there really is a COOL, California.

Judy, Luke, and GSD Miss Shade

SKP# 89390 - Boomers, SKP Elks, SKP Geocachers, Chapt. 8

CoolRVers on the Road Blog

Selling 2007 Itasca Horizon 40TD and 06 Honda CR-V

2019 Dynamax Isata 3 Series 24FW

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Nude Santa!!! Scroll down.... Whoo Hoo.... gonna love this.

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

For Crying out loud.........Act your age........ there is no Santa

 

 

 

Sometimes I just can't believe you!!!

tjones1935

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Here's one to get you in the holiday spirit: Merry Christmas

 

-- Judy

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Yes, there really is a COOL, California.

Judy, Luke, and GSD Miss Shade

SKP# 89390 - Boomers, SKP Elks, SKP Geocachers, Chapt. 8

CoolRVers on the Road Blog

Selling 2007 Itasca Horizon 40TD and 06 Honda CR-V

2019 Dynamax Isata 3 Series 24FW

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


RVers Online University

campgroundviews.com

RV Destinations

Find out more or sign up for Escapees RV'ers Bootcamp.

Advertise your product or service here.

The Rvers- Now Streaming

RVTravel.com Logo



×
×
  • Create New...