SKP084967

Can I SMILE today?

605 posts in this topic

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a

speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

 

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You

know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.

 

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

 

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, Uhura who is black, but no Arabs or Persians. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Arabs or Persians on Star Trek."

 

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

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PREGNANT TURKEY STORY

 

This is a good one to remember for a couple of months and plan for......

 

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

 

 

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit

something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

 

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia,

you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

 

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

 

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

 

 

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

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Willie Nelson's public statement regarding being caught with a bag of marijuana:

 

"It's a good thing I had a bag of marijuana instad of spinach or I would be dead now"

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Health Care

 

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

 

The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an X-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for a year from then.

 

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

 

The first is a Golden Retriever. The second is a Senior Citizen.

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An elderly gentleman feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

 

"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal, speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response"

 

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

 

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

 

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Still no response.

 

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.

 

 

So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.

 

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

 

"D##n it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN

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In honor of Rodney Dangerfield: his 21 Best One-Liners

 

 

1. I was so poor growing up . if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

 

 

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

 

 

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

 

 

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked.I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said,"Because you came home early."

 

 

5. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

 

 

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox; the cat kept covering me up.

 

 

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

 

 

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

 

 

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

 

 

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he

pulled through."

 

 

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

 

 

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

 

 

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

 

 

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

 

 

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

 

 

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eye sight is perfect."

 

 

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

 

 

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

 

 

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times -three of those times I was reading it.

 

 

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

 

 

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

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TRUE OR FALSE? SAD OR FUNNY?

 

 

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes

309 Hart Senate Office Building

Washington DC, 20510

 

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

 

 

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue

Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the

Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process

for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

 

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to

illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate

for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is

accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five

years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and

income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I

see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone

figures it out.

 

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes

every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of

taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can

apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result

for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

 

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local

emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped

paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could

save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status

would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative

to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for

many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

 

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden

of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car

insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have

college age children driving my car.

 

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal

(retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would

be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

 

Your Loyal Constituent,

 

Pete McGlaughlin

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Life Cycle

Maybe the life cycle is all backwards.

 

You should start out dead, get it out of the way.

 

You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day.

 

You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension,then,

 

when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

 

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

 

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get

 

ready for High School.

 

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no

 

responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months

 

floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa,

 

room service on tap, larger quarters everyday,

 

and then you finish off as an orgasm

 

It's got to be better this way cause this getting old sucks.

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A minister decided that a visual demonstration

would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

 

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

 

 

The first worm was put

into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put

into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into

a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into

a container of good clean soil.

 

 

At the conclusion of the sermon,

the Minister reported the following results:

 

 

The first worm in alcohol -

Dead.

 

The second worm in cigarette smoke -

Dead .

 

 

 

Third worm in chocolate syrup -

Dead

 

 

 

Fourth worm in good clean soil -

Alive.

 

 

So the Minister asked the congregation -

 

What can you learn from this demonstration?

 

 

 

Maxine was setting in the back,

quickly raised her hand and said,

 

 

"As long as you drink,

smoke and eat chocolate,

you won't have worms!"

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This is a short recording.... with some animation. I'm not sure what category to put it in. It's not risque. It's not rolling-on-the-floor-funny. It's not 'cute'. It IS worth the few minutes it takes to click here:

 

http://www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf

 

to find out what ordering pizza will be like a few years down the road. Hmmmmmmm......... Maybe we will all be better off driving to the pizza place to pick up what we want? Go ahead.... click.

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LEE-SIS..... This is too cute!

 

There has been no phone in my home/s for more than 23 years..... Never having been a fan of Pizza.... I might be safe from all that annoyance..... you think?

 

Hugs,

 

ELIZABETH....

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E-Sis, you might be free of the annoyance, but I'm already in their database! Here, in Mazatlan, all I have to do is call the pizza place and give 'em my phone number..... they have everything else on file, including the fact that we have a 'timbre' (doorbell) so the delivery guys can 'tocar el timbre' rather than beeping their motorcycle horns! They know what our normal order is, too. Yikes, if they have that much information, just think of what else is on file about us! Dang, me and my pizza habit, huh?

 

Hugs, Lee

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E-and Lee-sis's.

Lee too kewl! Loved it!

 

As far as intrusion, privacy, scary, orwellian, 1984 etc. perhaps we need to remember that we have come full circle.

 

If in the early part of the 20th century or even today in a non-automated restaurant or local merchant in a small town, they'd know our names, what we buy, our regular orders, but . . . in addition they'd know all the non-fact unsubstantiated gossip from the locals as well. icon_eek.gif

 

Sounds like customer sevice to me, except if abused. And as in the old small towns, the tongue waggers could do as much or more damage as the puters today.

 

Sure there is potential for abuse.

 

I handle about 200 calls a day for my company now. We aren't automated only because we are in the process of moving to our new office and demo building location now under construction.

 

Monday I meet to do the wiring specs for our computer networks and wireless.

 

My plans are to use contact manager software from my server to do exactly what you describe.

 

The other side of the coin is when a customer calls who spoke to me several weeks before, and until there is something distinct from all the other calls, I disappoint in not remembering it. I do if they make the effort to remind me, I am not suffering from Alzheimer's yet! icon_biggrin.gif

 

Technology can help, and I was tickled with the video because, except for the restrictions and spider web of teaming with a health care system, unlikely, and forcing health issues, I hope to have a great database for every customer who calls, logging in Children's names, etc, and being able to recall them on entry of a phone number.

 

I think of it as an extended memory for my organic one.

 

Data use is like duct tape. I has a dark side and a light side, and binds the universe together at least from a memory standpoint.

 

I am on the light side.

 

Remember when caller ID was new and we shocked or were shocked when we called and the other person already knew who was calling and answwered hello with our name before the standard intros? icon_cool.gificon_wink.gif

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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

 

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

 

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

 

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the back door......The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking if he will give him a push.

 

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

 

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

 

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" asks the wife.

 

"No, I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!"

 

His wife said "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

 

The man does as he is told (of course), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark "Hello. Are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer.

 

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness. "Where are you?" asks the husband.

 

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk

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This is the way forum threads should be.

Happy and light hearted, instead of spreading Hatered and nasty retorts.

 

The old day's of CB Radio insults are dead, but live again in the form of Internet Forums.

 

This has been a breath of fresh air, reading all these funny posts.

 

Comedy can keep you healthy. Phisically and mentally.

 

Look how old the famous comedians live to be.

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Steven Wright-isms

He's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates."

 

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

 

Half the people you know are below average.

 

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly the light turned yellow just in front of him.

 

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

 

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. Still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He handcuffed her, took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

 

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

 

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me To Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."

 

"Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

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A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

 

The pastor shouted out "CROSS". Immediately, the congregation started singing in unison "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS".

 

The pastor hollered out "GRACE". The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

 

The pastor said 'POWER" The congregation sand "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD".

 

The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell in total silence.

 

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then, all of a sudden way from in back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES"

 

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE OLD LADIES!!!

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A little old lady was selling seashells on a street corner. One day a well-dressed man passed by her, and she grabbed his arm. "How about some nice seashells?" she asked.

 

"No, thank you," the man replied. Suddenly the woman clutched her throat and fell to the pavement.

 

"What's wrong?" asked the man. "I think this might be it for me," the old woman wheezed. "Please buy some of my seashells."

 

Deeply touched, the man handed over enough money for all the shells just before her eyes slid peacefully shut. The next day the man was walking down the street and saw the woman again vending her seashells.

 

"Hey," he yelled to a police officer. "I thought she passed away yesterday."

 

The officer smiled knowingly. "Ah, but you were conned," the policeman replied. "You see, she sells seashells by the seizure".

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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.

 

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.

 

Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

 

Jacob: "We're about to get married.

Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

 

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

 

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

 

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

 

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

 

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

 

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

 

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."

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