SKP084967

Can I SMILE today?

605 posts in this topic

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

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GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

(Rated R for Carlin's style of language)

 

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for

weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.

Picking out the stuff "you" want and having other people buy it for you

isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

 

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a

reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly

like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is

doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

 

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're

a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a

bowl of Wendy's chili Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect

it to contain? Lobster?

 

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde

teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these

kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

 

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about

your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

 

New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of

this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry,

but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour

some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

 

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned

pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the

bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be

in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security

crisis.

 

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.

If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low

fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice

with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

 

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,

entering My PIN! Number , pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding,

no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is

supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

 

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make

you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to

beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were

praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

 

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly

sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because

watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.

What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's

called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

 

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,

I'll go nuts and eat two.

 

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old

television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so

we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason

something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't

good enough to be a movie.

 

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27

months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't

really care in the first place.

 

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays

better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every

available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do

you want fries with that?'

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I just LOVE the Democratic slogan for election:

 

C H A N G E

 

 

And here is Obama's first change when elected:

 

 

 

THERE AINT NO MORE WHITE HOUSE !!!!

 

 

(not intended to be racial, political or witty, just funny)

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DR. PHIL:

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

---------------------------------------------------------------

 

OPRAH :

Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

GEORGE W.. BUSH:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

COLIN POWELL:

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

JOHN KERRY:

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

NANCY GRACE:

That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

PAT BUCHANAN :

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

MARTHA STEWART :

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DR SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

ERNEST HEMINGWAY :

To die in the rain. Alone.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

JERRY FALWELL :

Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

GRANDPA :

In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

BARBARA WALTERS :

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

JOHN LENNON:

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

ARISTOTLE :

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

BILL GATES:

I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

ALBERT EINSTEIN :

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

BILL CLINTON :

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

AL GORE:

I invented the chicken!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

COLONEL SANDERS :

Did I miss one?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DICK CHENEY :

Where's my gun?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

AL SHARPTON :

Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

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hmmmmm, that's interesting. A double post, but I didn't do it, and it wasn't the full text from my post above. Odd. That's cyberspace for ya! Lee

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The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

 

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

 

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

 

'Interesting,' the newsman thought.

 

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

 

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

 

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

 

 

She smiled and explained,

'I married one for the money, two for the

show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

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Arthur is 95 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement

30 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he

tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad…once

I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, "Why don't you

take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three.

He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is

perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his

brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the

fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I can't remember."

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CORPORATE LIFE:

Big businesses are like a large tree;

and on the tree are many branches. On each branch are monkeys, many on the low branches, and fewer higher up. The monkeys on the highest branches crap on the ones below them, on down the tree.

When the monkeys on the higher branches look down, all they see are smiling faces.

But when the monkeys on the lower branches look up, all they see are A$$HOLES.........

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THREE YEAR OLD -

 

I remember one day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I had been sick & received a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and had

become one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I

brought

him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came

home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a

cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of

tea

for Daddy.

She watched him drink it up, then she said, 'Did it ever occur to you

that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'.

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----- Original Message -----

From: Geoff Wakeling

To: julian Sheppard ; marilyn A Pageau ; sally ; Shirley Gowdy ; derek & Jenny Barrio ; Kurt & Heide Richter ; kathy H

Sent: Wednesday, February 13, 2008 6:32 PM

Subject: Fw: Telephone Installers

 

 

 

 

 

There was a phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Scottish workers and a team of two Irish blokes.

 

So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

 

Both teams went right out and started.

 

At end of the shift, Robert and Bruce, the Scottish workers came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

 

Forty-five minutes later, Pat and Mike, the Irish team came back in and they were both totally exhausted.

 

The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you blokes install?"

 

Pat, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Mike and me, we got three in."

 

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Scottish blokes put in twelve!"

 

"Yeah," said Pat, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground!"

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don't mess with old people

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

They always ask at the doctor's office why you

are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and

sometimes it is embarrassing.

 

 

There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell

her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of

us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

 

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and

approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you

please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'

 

 

 

'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.

 

 

 

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come

into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

 

 

'Why not? You asked me what was wr ong an d I told you,' he said.

 

 

 

The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment

in this room full of people. You should have said there is something

wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

 

 

 

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room

full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man

walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

 

 

 

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

 

 

 

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

 

 

 

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had

taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

 

 

 

'I can't pi$$ out of it,' he replied.

 

 

 

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

 

 

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose

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Sex of a Fly

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

 

"What are you doing?"

She asked.

 

"Hunting Flies"

He responded.

 

"Oh. Killing any?"

She asked

 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

 

 

 

Intrigued, she asked.

"How can you tell them apart?"

 

He responded,

"3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone."

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Hope this well bring a "Smile to your face today"

 

The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Harlan , Ky. )

 

 

(1) Just one God

(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa

(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'

(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'

(5) Put nothin' before God

(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal

(7) No killin'

(8) Watch yer mouth

(9) Don't take what ain't yers

(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

 

Now that's kinda Plain an' Simple, don't ya think? The best way.

Y'all have a nice day!

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I got this off a coaster at Red Robin today so they get the groans.

 

Why did the sesame seed keep telling one joke after another?

 

--

 

 

--

 

 

--

 

He was on a roll.

 

icon_biggrin.gif

 

Linda

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JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

 

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question

and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the

cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches

from a large plate glass window.

 

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the

still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared me!'

 

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he

didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

 

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.

Today is my first day driving a cab..... I've been driving a hearse for

the last 25 years.'

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80 year old man marries a 30 yr old woman'

On their wedding night, they go to his house, he goes in his bedroom, she goes in hers. Later, he knocks on her door and she replies "come on in , we are married u know" . He goes in stays awhile, then leaves.

 

A little later, he goes to her door and knocks, she said "come on in, we are married you know". He does, stays awhile and leaves.

 

Later that night, he goes to her door and knocks, she says "come on in, we are married you know". He goes in........

 

She says, "what with all this knocking and stuff, we are married you know?"

 

He says, " HAVE I BEEN HERE BEFORE?"

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BIRTHDAY REMINDER

 

This week we celebrate a special birthday !

 

Monica Lewinsky turned 34.

 

Can you believe it ?

 

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling

 

Around the White House on her hands and knees,

 

And putting everything in her mouth.

 

They grow up so fast, don't they?

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