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RV/Derek
http://www.rvroadie.com Email on the bottom of my website page.
Retired AF 1971-1998


When you see a worthy man, endeavor to emulate him. When you see an unworthy man, look inside yourself. - Confucius

 

“Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.” ... Voltaire

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DOSE DARN NORVEGIANS

>>

>>

>> Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to

>> the bird section and Sven says to Olaf, "Dat's dem."

>>

>> The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

>>

>> "Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up

>> dere," says Sven.

>>

>> The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

>>

>> Olaf and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up

>> and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.

>>

>> At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,

>> "Dis looks like a grand place."

>>

>> He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps

>> off the cliff.

>>

>> Olaf watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself

> dead.

>>

>> Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Olaf shakes his head and

> says:

>> "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."

>>

>>

>> VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

>>

>>

>> Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.

>>

>> He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff

>> carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

>>

>> "Hey, Olaf, Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and

>> throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

>>

>> Olaf watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

>>

>> Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and

>> breaks every bone in his body.

>>

>> Olaf shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting

>> either."

>>

>>

>> BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!

>>

>>

>> Olaf is just gettin g over the shock of losing two friends when Lars

>> appears.

>>

>> He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which

>> he pulls a chicken.

>>

>> Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls

>> himself

>> off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and

>> breaks his spine.

>>

>> Once more Olaf shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie-

>> jumping, den Knute parrot-shooting ... and now Lars, hen-gliding ."

>>

>>

>> Dats all. Dere ain't no more!

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Anybody going to this event?

 

They have camping nearby and a saloon, sounds like a spot for a chapter 28 rally!

 

http://www.moonamtrak.org/index.html

 

28th Annual Mooning of Amtrak

First rule of computer consulting:

Sell a customer a Linux computer and you'll eat for a day.

Sell a customer a Windows computer and you'll eat for a lifetime.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Two Texas farmers, Steve and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar

drinking a beer.

 

Steve turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life

without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college

and

sign up for some classes".

 

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Steve goes down to the college and meets Dean of

Admissions

who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History,

and

Logic.

"Logic?" Steve says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

 

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that

you

would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think

logically

that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a

family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must

have

a wife

and because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a

heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of

that

because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Steve shakes the Dean's hand and leaves

to

go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is

signed up

for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Steve says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer" icon_rolleyes.gificon_razz.gif

My Photo Albums: www.leejacobs.org

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I just choked on my egg salad sandwich with that joke being posted by MDSFLJ (my dear sweet friend Lee Jacobs)

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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icon_wink.gifWish they had a smiley for BIG SKP HUGS! Thought you'd enjoy that one, Ron. I've just spent a not-long-enough weekend with all 3 of my sons AND my daughter, along with most of their families (SIL at A.T. and eldest grandson a new Cadet at West Point ... how ya like the way I got that one in?) and I'm on joke overload this morning. It's been fun.... too bad it can't be this way always, but then, I guess I'd get tired of the commotion and racket. Give the lovely AliceMae a big hug for me, ok? Hugs, Lee

My Photo Albums: www.leejacobs.org

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After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm

a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations." Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have intimacy? The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice very few months." "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

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Lee, I DID tell you I was a former community college dean, didn't I. Hmmmm, I'll have to pass this one on to my former colleagues. Maybe they could use some new enrollment strategies.

Judy

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Yes, there really is a COOL, California.

Judy, Luke, and GSD Miss Shade

SKP# 89390 - Boomers, SKP Elks, SKP Geocachers, Chapt. 8

CoolRVers on the Road Blog

Selling 2007 Itasca Horizon 40TD and 06 Honda CR-V

2019 Dynamax Isata 3 Series 24FW

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Political correctness????…

 

A young liberal inherits his uncles’ farm and moves from the city to the farm.

 

After walking the farm and inventorying all the livestock and farm equipment his goes over to his neighbors farm and introduces him self.

 

His new neighbor offers his help if he has any problems on the farm.

 

Well, he said I would like to know which of the two horses goes in which horse stall.

 

The neighbor said that is easy and it is politically correct. The black horse goes in the stall with “Black Beauty†over the door and the white horse goes in the stall with “ Snow Flake†over the door.

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat. The women just won't leave him alone.

"you're driving too fast!" his mother-in-law says.

"Stay more to the left," his wife says.

After a few more mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who's driving this car, you are your mother?" TAL

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Gettin old ain't for sissies

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

 

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

 

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

 

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

 

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

 

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly"

 

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

 

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns?"

 

"Do you mean a rose?"

 

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

 

He then turned towards the kitchen and said, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

 

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

 

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

 

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

 

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

 

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

 

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

 

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

 

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

 

"Sure."

 

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

 

"No, I can remember it."

 

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

 

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

 

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

 

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

 

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

 

She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"

 

"Yep!"

 

"Do I know her?"

 

"Nope!"

 

"This woman, is she good looking?"

 

"Not really."

 

"Is she a good cook?"

 

"Naw, she can't cook too well"

 

"Does she have lots of money?"

 

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

 

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

 

"I don't know."

 

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

 

"Because she can still drive!"

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

 

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

 

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

 

"Really," answered the neighbour, "What kind is it?"

 

"Twelve thirty."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a georgeous young woman on his arm.

 

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

 

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

 

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' "

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

 

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

 

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Jim and Carolyn (And Sandy, The Wonder Dog)

SKP# 97859

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This has a few good chuckles in it with various idiots doing themselves damage but the last 30 seconds puts the lie to the old RV story that you can pull your trailer with anything...

 

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/644906/8_idi...uld_do_without/

 

I love the classic understated humor of the guy with the broke bike.

First rule of computer consulting:

Sell a customer a Linux computer and you'll eat for a day.

Sell a customer a Windows computer and you'll eat for a lifetime.

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A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

 

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!) icon_rolleyes.gif

 

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."

 

Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts. Capetown is in Africa." Her response - click.

 

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" ( icon_razz.gif OMG)

 

 

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." ( icon_rolleyes.gif OMG, again!)

 

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." ( icon_biggrin.gif Arrghhhh)

 

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 AM got to Chicago at 8:33 AM. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. icon_eek.gif

 

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!"

 

After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

 

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"

 

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

 

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

 

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

 

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere. "The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply! "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

 

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Jim and Carolyn (And Sandy, The Wonder Dog)

SKP# 97859

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Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

 

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk

with you about him before I give him my answer."

 

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit,

and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine,

uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and

after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

 

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive

new dress and has his way with me two times!"

 

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

 

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

tjones1935

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

.

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A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations.

 

She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old fashioned term “Bathroom Commode."

 

Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C.†and wrote, "Does your campground have its own "B.C.?"

 

When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church. So he sent this reply:

 

"Dear Madam,

 

The nearest B.C. is located nine miles from the camp ground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance away if you’re in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and is open on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday each week.

 

Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages.

 

It may also interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there. We are also having a fund raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them.

 

Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly. It’s been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often.

 

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there.â€

 

Sincerely yours….

Jim and Carolyn (And Sandy, The Wonder Dog)

SKP# 97859

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Subject: INTERNATIONAL PUN COMPETITION

 

 

It is said that the ability to make and understand puns is the highest level of language development. The ability to make puns that don't make ordinary people shudder transcends the language skills of even the most adept.

 

 

Here then, are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

 

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardesslooks at him and says, I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per

passenger.

 

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

 

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

 

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

 

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't

stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy

flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but

they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up

the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very

little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh man, this is so bad, it's good) a

super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Yes, there really is a COOL, California.

Judy, Luke, and GSD Miss Shade

SKP# 89390 - Boomers, SKP Elks, SKP Geocachers, Chapt. 8

CoolRVers on the Road Blog

Selling 2007 Itasca Horizon 40TD and 06 Honda CR-V

2019 Dynamax Isata 3 Series 24FW

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Darwin Awards:

 

This was sent by a friend. Number 10 is particularly great. icon_biggrin.gif

 

The winner:

 

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.... icon_eek.gif

 

And now, the honorable mentions:

 

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

 

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. icon_mad.gif (SNOW RAGE???)

 

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. icon_razz.gif

 

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he

received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was

hit. icon_rolleyes.gif

 

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,

the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?) icon_confused.gif

 

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab

some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. icon_rolleyes.gif

 

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the

woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

 

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. ***A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*** icon_biggrin.gif

 

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police

arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man

admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. icon_razz.gif

 

In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family .... unless of course one of these individuals by

chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

 

****** Remember ... they walk among us! ******

Jim and Carolyn (And Sandy, The Wonder Dog)

SKP# 97859

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ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING!!!!! Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall!

 

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my Grandpa!"

 

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

 

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal and women with big tits."

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>> ">> > Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a

>> little

>> > 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe

>>that we

>> > CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

>> >

>> > A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a

>> > construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

>>The

>> > young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all

>> > the

>> > activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the

>> > workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them

>>gems-in-the-rough,

>> > more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with

>>her,

>> > let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave

>>her

>> > little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

>> > At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay

>> > envelope

>> > containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her

>>mother

>> > who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that

>> > they

>> > take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to

>>start

>> > a savings account.

>> >

>> > When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked

>>the

>> > little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young

>>age.

>> > The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew

>>building

>> > the house next door to us."

>> >

>> > "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on

>> > the

>> > house again this week, too?

>> > The little girl replied, "I will if those GD @$$holes at Home Depot

>> > ever deliver the f...... sheet rock..."

>> >

>> > Stories like this just bring a tear to your eye.

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On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his

bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west

wall.

 

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already.

 

The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily

towards them. Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face

and

said,

 

"Jim, are we landscaping today?"

tjones1935

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

.

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No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help wife fantasize and

should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow> the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. "Okay," he says to the husband, " try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them. " Once again they follow the Rabbi's

advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with th e wife and the husband waves the towel.

The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has

an enormous room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm. The

husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,

"You see that, you young schmuck?

THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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The saga of Suzy and Sam clam.

 

Suzy and Sam were clams and lived a long and happy life out in the ocean. One day Sam passed away and went to that place down below because he had been a rather wild and reckless clam in his younger days.

Suzy was lonely and missed him terribly. So as time passed, she withered away and passed on. She had always been a good clam and also religious so she went up to see St. Peter. After being there for a while she started playing the harp in St. Peters choir and really enjoyed it. She still missed Sam, so asked St. Peter if she could go visit Sam down below. He said, OK but make sure your back for choir practice and don’t forget to bring your harp. So Suzy took her harp and went down below to see Sam. When she got there she found out Sam was running a disco. She went in and found Sam. They hugged, kissed, danced and partied all night long with all the other clams. Were having a great time till she remembered she had to get back upstairs for choir practice. So she bid Sam adieu and hurriedly left. Upon arriving back for choir practice a little late, St. Peter said. Where’s your harp.

Suzy said “Oh NO!â€,

“I left my harp in Sam’s clam discoâ€.

OB, Sue and Charlie the cat

97 Dodge 3500 Ram, 4 by 4

04 MobileSuite 36TK3 #1207

SKP #97858

 

Retired Navy Chief

Hoping for health to improve enough to get another HDT

Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

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Wanna be famous???

 

http://www.kptv.com/news/13950927/detail.html

 

Clackamas County deputies said Richard Berkey, 63, was spotted by campers in a latrine area at the Big Fan Campground near Bagby Hot Springs in Estacada.

 

After he was seen hiding in dense foliage, Berkey was chased down and tackled by Jason Dugan, who was camping with friends, according to deputies.

 

“He didn’t say anything and I caught a side profile and I just knew. I took off up the hill and I yelled for one of my friends,†said Dugan.

 

Three men then took Berkey to their campsite and tied him to a tree while another camper left in search of authorities.

First rule of computer consulting:

Sell a customer a Linux computer and you'll eat for a day.

Sell a customer a Windows computer and you'll eat for a lifetime.

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