Can I SMILE today?

[CoolJudy]

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

 

1. A nose ring and bifocals

 

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

 

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

 

4. Miniskirts and support hose

 

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

 

6. Speedo's and cellulite

 

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

 

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

 

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

 

10. Bikinis and liver spots

 

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

 

12. Inline skates and a walker

 

And last, but not least my personal favorite:

 

13. Thongs and Depends

[tjones1935]

Chapstick & the cat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom. Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

 

Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood. We finally have the older one and and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.

 

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth. And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

[tjones1935]

Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie,

are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing, and drinking beer,

when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife -

she hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months."

 

Earl spits, sips his beer and says,

"You better think it over, women like that are hard to find."

[CoolJudy]

Normally, this thread posts internet humor passed along via email. Yesterday, however, I got a Hallmark Mother's Day greeting card from my 35-year-old daughter (mother of two boys -- ages 7 and 4.5) I though was "perfect":

OUTSIDE:

From Your Daughter -- Mom, who would have ever imagined the day when I'd be the one all stressed out... raising a family, and you'd be the one out playing and enjoying life?

 

INSIDE:

You know, Mom, it really annoys me when you laugh like that.

 

Happy Belated Mother's Day

Judy

[RV_]

Kewl, Judy!

[Rain]

Love it! And, it's called "Pay Back".

[Lee Jacobs]

Ain't that the TRUTH?!! We earned every single lazy day in the sun, didn't we? Yahhhhhhh...... love it!! Thanks, Judy... HUGS, Lee

[Rain]

Hiya Lee! Where are you now? Just wondering as I haven't been around here much. Spent the winter in AZ and am back in OR now.

[Lee Jacobs]

Rain, I'll PM you. I'm still in Maz, but leaving by plane on Friday. OR/WA for next two months.

[Rain]

Thanks!

[CoolJudy]

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

 

 

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

 

One child wrote the following:

 

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

 

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida.

 

Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.

 

They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

 

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now .

 

They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

 

There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.

 

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.

 

He watches all day so nobody can escape.

 

Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts.

 

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.

 

And they eat the same thing every night -- early birds.

 

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.

 

The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

 

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment.

 

He says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

 

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.

 

Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

 

----------------------------

Personal note: We have wheels on our tin box so we can ESCAPE whenever we want. - Judy

[Jim and Carolyn]

Hi everyone. Here's a couple from some newbies. LOVE the thread ! Thanks.

Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

 

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.When you are done you will have a place to live.

 

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

 

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?

A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

 

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

 

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is a problem.

 

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

 

Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?

A: Their foreheads.

 

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "I remember these".

------------------------------------------------

Southern Grandma

 

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He

approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're

a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

 

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and said, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal

relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state, not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

 

The defense attorney almost died.

 

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

------------------------------------------------Marriage and Men

 

- When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.

 

- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home

 

- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face

 

- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.

 

- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.

 

- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.

 

- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.

 

- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.

 

- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.

 

- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.

 

and lastly............

 

- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from gettting a better husband that the one she married!

 

------------------------------------------------

And lastly...

You too, will get there some day

 

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

 

"Ninety-eight," she replied. "Two years older than me."

 

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

 

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

 

"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

 

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

 

But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

 

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

 

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat until the wrinkles fill out.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Remember:

 

You don't stop laughing because you grow old;

 

you grow old because you stop laughing.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

(THIS IS THE BEST ONE) ---

 

THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[Jim and Carolyn]

I'm BAAAACCCKKKK!

 

Got another one for you.

 

WHO ALWAYS WINS

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.

 

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

 

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

 

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

 

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

 

Jim and Carolyn (And Sandy the Wonder Dog)

[bowtiepuller]

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked

>me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then

>he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

>

>---------------------------------------------------------------------------

>After putting her grandchildren to bed for a sleepover, a grandmother

>washed

>off her makeup, changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and began to

>color her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more

>rambunctious

> her patience grew thin. At last she stormed into their room, putting them

>back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the

>three-year-old say in a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

>

>----------------------------------------------------------------------------

>A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood

>was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a

>tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked

>wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this

>in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

>--------------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how

>you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked , "No,

>how

>are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word

>processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he

>asked

> "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

>---------------------------------------------------------------------------

>I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided

>to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She

>would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I

>continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I

>think

>you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

>When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights

>off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a

>few

>fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered,

>"It's

>no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

>---------------------------------------------------------------------------

>When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not

>sure.

> "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to

>six."

>---------------------------------------------------------------------------

>A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,

>"Grandma,

>guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more

>than

>a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said,

>How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change

>y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

>---------------------------------------------------------------------------

>"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy

>wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher asked, "Do

>you know what pregnant means?" Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It

>means carrying a child."

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

>

>A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home

>one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the

>fire

>truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's

>duties.

>"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another,

>he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close:

>"No

> they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant."

[SIBERNUT]

A simple one, but still brings a smile........

Teacher: "Johnny, tell me something about Rotterdam".

Johnny (Pause) "My sister has poison ivy, & I wish it would rotterdamn arm off!"

[tjones1935]

The Redneck Challenge

 

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

 

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in

your front yard?

(A) '65 Ford Fairlane

( '69 Chevrolet Chevelle

© '64 Pontiac GTO.

 

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced

per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

 

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees

in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree

diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

 

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation.

The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine.

When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

 

6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%.

The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's

land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

 

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary

road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what

is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

 

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

 

I betcha thought that this here test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya?

 

It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya...

 

There's a hole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.

 

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE", here's some

southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece...

 

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.

[Jim and Carolyn]

Wal-Mart Boondocking

 

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:

 

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

 

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

 

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

 

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.

 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares, and watched what happened.

 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

 

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

 

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

 

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

 

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

 

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

 

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

 

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

 

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

 

And last, but not least.

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

 

My kinda guy!

[tjones1935]

On the lighter side of Louisiana

 

 

Tony goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

 

Tony gets in line.

 

When it's his turn, the preacher says, "Tony, what you want me to pray about?"

 

Tony says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." So the preacher puts one finger in Tony's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.

 

After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Tony, how's your hearing now?"

 

Tony says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday in Baton Rouge."

[gypsyquilter]

COINCIDENCE? I think NOT!

 

Many will recall that, on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed an

unidentified

object, with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch

just

outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident many say has

long been covered up by the United States Air Force and the federal

government.

 

However, what you may NOT know, is that in the month of March 1948,

exactly

nine months later, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld , Bill

O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condoleezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were all

born.

 

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and cattle?

 

This information may clear up a lot of questions, doubts or other

perplexities

[skp51443]

I can't find the one I wanted to post...

 

Several Japanese sailors were rescued after their fishing boat had sunk.

 

They were interviewed and then jailed as the authorities attempted to find out if the sinking was an insurance scam or some other naughty deed.

 

It seems nobody was buying the story they were sticking to, that a huge cow had come out of the sky, plunged through the deck and opened a big hole in the hull, flooding the hold and sinking the ship.

 

After several tense days for the sailors a Russian airline crew admitted that they were trying to milk the cow to get some fresh milk to drink on their long and I guess boring flight. The cow got away and somehow fell out of the plane.

 

If I can't find the original I'm gonna end up feeling like the sailors, because nobody is going to buy this story either.

[SKP084967]

That cow must have been a Holesink cow.

 

WOW I'm easy to get a laugh out of myself!

[skp51443]

Someone mailed this to me...

 

Man, I just got a sweet deal on a fifth-wheel trailer!! This thing is saweet!! It has all the amenities that a person could want and more. The guy I bought it from said I should get a one-ton pick-up truck to pull it, but I knew better than that. I did some precision modifications to my truck and it pulls it great!! I admit that it took some time, but from the attached pictures you will be able to see that it was well worth the effort!!

 

Hooked up and ready to fly!! It really smooths out the ride in the truck. I did have to air up the rear tires a bit (around 160 psi)

 

I added some heavy-duty chain for extra support on the tailgate (note that I used the "Sever-Duty 'S' hooks to attach the chain) I also paid-up for some BIG 5/16 sheetmetal screws to attach the frame to the tailgate. Yeah, I know it's overkill, but I don't want to have any accidents.

 

Much of my time was spent on the front porch whittling down that MASSIVE 4x4 board to fit precisely into the ball mount receiver . Also note that I used a 14" chunk of 1x4 to distribute the load more evenly--YOU CAN"T BE TOO SAFE, YOU KNOW!! It cost a little more, but you just can't be too safe when pulling a trailer of this magnitude!!

[CoolJudy]

[Bill/Mog]

Now they are pictures and you have to believe what you see. That is so funny. Our rig was beautiful. We were told we could pull anything, Dodge diesel, sounded tough. We were such babes in the woods. Coming down these Arkansas "hills" the 28 food trailer pushed us, we did not pull it. Brakes burning. These are just hills, what would have happened on one of those 14,000 foot mountains in Colorado.

[Windbreaker]

Did anyone note the snow on mountians in the background? I don't know how he is holding it on the hill where he is parked.