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One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin.

 

Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out bible.

 

The Church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen.

 

The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.

 

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him.

 

No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it. The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the church needed to do God's work.

 

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship."

 

The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

 

The next Sunday, he showed up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.

 

The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

 

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

 

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

 

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear.

 

He says He's never been in this church!

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For those of you , who have recently question my Heritage.

 

Because of the climate of political correctness now pervading America, those of us in KENTUCKY will no longer be referred to as HILLBILLIES.

 

We ask that you now refer to us as

BLUEGRASS-AMERICANS.

Thank you!

Now if you'll excuse me, I got possums to fry.

tjones1935

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

.

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Texas Deputy vs New York Lawyer

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

 

The deputy says," License and registration, please."

 

"What for?" says the lawyer.

 

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

 

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

 

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and

registration, please."

 

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

 

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.

License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

 

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

 

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

 

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving */#! out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

--Karl

Fulltimer in training

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80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are

Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to

the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde

gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

 

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

Then 80,000 blondes start cheering,

"Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

 

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of

getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and

global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another

chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she

eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and

just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts

crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

 

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage,

eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says,

Four?". Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000

girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

tjones1935

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

.

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An old-time southern, hell fire & brimstone country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

 

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

 

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

- a Bible,

- a silver dollar,

- a bottle of whisky and

- a Playboy magazine

 

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.

 

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good, low down drunkard, and, Lord, help me.... what a shame that would be.And worst of all..... if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin,' no good bum."

 

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

 

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

 

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

tjones1935

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

.

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  • 2 weeks later...

If you have not being following the "humor thread" at HDT.. check out some good laughs there.

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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Man wakes up in bed after a night of blistering passion, and sees a picture of a guy on the nightstand. He asks his partner "Who's the guy? Your brother?" She says "No silly, it doesn't matter" . Now he's really curious, and says "C'mon, who is it, a former boyfriend, a CURRENT boyfriend?" She says, "It's not important, let's just go back to bed........"

Now he's pissed, and says I WANNA' KNOW who that is!!"

She says, "Well, if you must know, that's me before the surgery........"

2000 Volvo 635 A/S, N-14 Cummins
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HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY!

 

 

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

 

 

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey"

 

 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

 

 

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

 

The man said, "I do Father."

 

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

 

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

 

Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

 

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?

 

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

 

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

 

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".

 

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

 

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

 

Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

 

Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------< /B>

 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

 

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

 

Just water," says the priest.

 

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

 

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

 

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

 

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

 

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

 

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

 

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

 

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

 

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

 

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

 

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing? "

 

Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!

tjones1935

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

.

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Buscrushers made me SMILE ...from HDT....

Subject: Fw: DEFINITION OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS

 

 

Following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term:

 

 

 

Political Correctness :

 

 

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

 

Doug

Frequent "lurker"

Occasional poster

1992 Gold Wing Aspencade

Future full-time RV dweller

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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  • 2 weeks later...

Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree:

 

I planted some bird seed.

A bird came up.

Now I don't know what to feed it

********************

I had amnesia once---or twice.

********************

I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what?

********************

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

********************

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

********************

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride

horses sidesaddle.

********************

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

********************

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

********************

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he

grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

********************

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

********************

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

********************

My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.

********************

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

********************

How can there be self-help "groups"?

********************

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

********************

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man

who can't get his pants off.

*****************

Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

**********************************************************

tjones1935

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

.

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(Apologies for the ALL CAPS -- not shouting)

 

LESSON TO BE LEARNED FROM TYPING THE WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS.

 

A MINNEAPOLIS COUPLE DECIDED TO GO TO FLORIDA TO THAW OUT DURING A PARTICULARLY

ICY WINTER. THEY PLANNED TO STAY AT THE SAME HOTEL WHERE THEY

SPENT THEIR HONEYMOON 20 YEARS EARLIER. BECAUSE OF HECTIC SCHEDULES, IT WAS

DIFFICULT TO COORDINATE THEIR TRAVEL SCHEDULES.

 

SO, THE HUSBAND LEFT MINNESOTA AND FLEW TO FLORIDA ON THURSDAY, WITH HIS WIFE

FLYING DOWN THE FOLLOWING DAY. THE HUSBAND CHECKED INTO THE

HOTEL.

 

THERE WAS A COMPUTER IN HIS ROOM, SO HE DECIDED TO SEND AN EMAIL TO HIS WIFE.

 

HOWEVER, HE ACCIDENTALLY LEFT OUT ONE LETTER IN HER EMAIL ADDRESS, AND WITHOUT

REALIZING HIS ERROR, SENT THE EMAIL.

 

MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE IN HOUSTON , A WIDOW HAD JUST RETURNED HOME FROM HER

HUSBAND'S FUNERAL. HE WAS A MINISTER WHO WAS CALLED HOME TO GLORY FOLLOWING A

HEART ATTACK. THE WIDOW DECIDED TO CHECK HER EMAIL EXPECTING MESSAGES FROM

RELATIVES AND FRIENDS. AFTER READING THE FIRST MESSAGE, SHE SCREAMED AND

FAINTED. THE WIDOW'S SON RUSHED INTO THE ROOM, FOUND HIS MOTHER ON THE FLOOR,

AND SAW THE COMPUTER SCREEN WHICH READ:

 

 

TO: MY LOVING WIFE

 

SUBJECT: I'VE ARRIVED

 

DATE: OCTOBER 16TH 2004

 

I KNOW YOU'RE SURPRISED TO HEAR FROM ME. THEY HAVE COMPUTERS HERE NOW AND YOU

ARE ALLOWED TO SEND EMAILS TO YOUR LOVED ONES. I'VE JUST ARRIVED AND HAVE BEEN

CHECKED IN. I SEE THAT EVERYTHING HAS BEEN

PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING YOU THEN. HOPE

YOUR JOURNEY IS AS UNEVENTFUL AS MINE WAS.

 

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE!!!!!

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Yes, there really is a COOL, California.

Judy, Luke, and GSD Miss Shade

SKP# 89390 - Boomers, SKP Elks, SKP Geocachers, Chapt. 8

CoolRVers on the Road Blog

Selling 2007 Itasca Horizon 40TD and 06 Honda CR-V

2019 Dynamax Isata 3 Series 24FW

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A guy from Tennessee passed away and left his entire estate to his

beloved widow, but she can't touch it till she's 14.

 

 

How do you know when you're staying in an Tennessee hotel? When you

call the front desk and say, "I got a leak in my sink," and the clerk

replies, "Go ahead."

 

 

How can you tell if an Tennessee redneck is married? There's dried

tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

 

 

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in

Tennessee to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

 

 

 

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Tennessee ........

Documentaries.

 

 

A Tennessee State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30 and says to

the driver, "Got any I.D.?"and the driver replies " 'Bout wut?"

 

 

Did you hear about the $3 million Tennessee State Lottery? The winner

gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

 

 

The governor's mansion in Tennessee burned down! Yep. Pert' near took

out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books -

poof! up in flames, and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.

 

 

A new law was recently passed in Tennessee . When a couple gets

divorced,they are STILL cousins.

 

 

A guy walks into a bar in Tennessee and orders a mudslide. The

bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?

"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania " The bartender looks at him

and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania ?" "I'm a taxidermist," said

the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the

world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man says,"I mount animals." The bartender

stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us."

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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OK, RW, you win! I'm laughing, I'm crying! I can hardly see my keyboard! I thought the following was funny 'til I read yours.

 

The Duck and The Lawyer

 

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

 

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

 

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

 

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."

 

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

 

The farmer replied, "Well because the dispute occurs on my land I get to go first. I kick you three times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

 

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from his tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

 

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushin from his mouth.

 

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

 

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

 

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart, now it's my turn."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(I love this part)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

2006 Arctic Fox 32.5 Silver Edition fiver

2001 Dodge 1 ton Dually with Mods

2005 Ranger Bass Boat;

Blog site is www.mytripjournal.com/ontheroadwithrickandkaren

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The Amish farmer decided it was time for his son to see all the vices of the big city. So he hitched up the wagon and took the son into town. They walked into a large building and immediately saw two polished doors. A large and ugly woman walked up to the doors and they opened. She went into the small room and the doors closed. Then they watched in awe as the lights lit up, one by one. Then, the lights began lighting in the opposite direction. And, when the doors opened again the most beautiful woman they had ever seen exited the small room.

 

The son asked "What is this room, Father?" The Father answered "I don't know, son, but go and get your mother."

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For All you Texans out there.

 

It's a Texas Aggie thing!!

 

Subject: Aggie Mortician

 

 

A man who just died is delivered to a College Station mortuary wearing an

expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

 

The Aggie mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body

dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is

already wearing.

 

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best

in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a

blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my

husband in a blue! suit for the viewing."

 

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her

husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit

fits him perfectly.

 

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did

an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

 

To her astonishment, the Aggie presents her with the blank check.

 

"There's no charge," he says.

 

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue

suit!" she says.

 

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased

gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left

yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if

she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said

it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

 

"So I just switched the heads."

tjones1935

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

.

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BuscrusherS' " CLASSES FOR MEN" HDT forum under the humor thread.

"In the interest of keeping things "fair and balanced", here's one for you ladies to laugh about!

 

Gentlemen, look these over carefully to see which ones you need to enroll in. If you need help deciding – ask your wife & she will be glad to direct you !!

 

CLASSES FOR MEN

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED ASAP

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

 

 

Class 1

How To FIll Up The Ice Cube Trays ---

Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

 

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? ---

Group Practice.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---

Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

 

Class 5

After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

 

Class 6

Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

 

Class 7

Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Open Forum .

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

 

Class 8

Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.

Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesday at 6:00 PM.

Location to be determined.

 

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

 

Class 11

Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Online Classes and role-playing .

Tuesday at 7:00 PM.

Location to be determined.

 

Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours Beginning at 7:00 PM.

 

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and

Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 14

The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.

Live Demonstration.

Tuesday at 6:00 PM.

Location to be determined.

 

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors!"

 

 

 

RW says

All classes can be held at our home and maybe I'll get a little break.

 

Yours truly,

Susie home maker RW

 

P.S. I thought a " Good house keeper" was the one who got the house in the divorce settlement.

My hat is off to wifes that are GREAT HOME MAKERS.

Today I made my first cheese cake & AliceMae has eaten three slices already.

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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How it works!

 

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C., one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

 

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

 

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

 

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

 

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

 

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

 

"Done!" replies the government official.

tjones1935

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

.

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Old Blue

 

A young farm lad from central Indiana goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

 

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at ISU that will teach our dog Old Blue how to talk!"

 

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

 

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course."

 

So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

 

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

 

"So how's Old Blue doing, son," his father asks.

 

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but y ou just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

 

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

 

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

 

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

 

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Old Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

 

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning just before we left to drive home, Old Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

 

The father says, "I hope you shot that dog before he talks to your Mother!"

 

"I sure did, Dad!"

 

"That's my boy!"

 

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......

tjones1935

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

.

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After all the killings and tears this week I needed this Laugh!!!!!

 

 

Another most functional English word

 

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE

 

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

 

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

 

Consider:

You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

 

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

 

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,

and tell others to eat shit.

 

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference

between shit and shineola.

 

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

 

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

 

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

 

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

 

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,

and some days are just plain shitty.

 

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

 

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

 

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

 

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

 

 

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

 

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

 

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

 

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens!!!

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

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One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

 

He pulls over and goes in to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

 

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:

 

Work out Barbie for $19.95

Shopping Barbie for $19.95

Beach Barbie for $19.95

Disco Barbie for $19.95

Divorced Barbie for $265.95

 

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19..95?"

 

The salesperson annoyingly answers:

 

"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:

 

Ken's Car,

Ken's House,

Ken's Boat,

Ken's Furniture,

Ken's Computer and...

One of Ken's Friends."

--Karl

Fulltimer in training

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