Jump to content

Can I SMILE today?


SKP084967

Recommended Posts

>New Rule:

 

>Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!

Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is

doing these days . . . mowing my lawn.

 

New Rule:

 

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

 

New Rule:

 

Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids:

lucky bastards.

 

New Rule:

 

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope.

If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

 

New Rule:

 

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?

Okay, we're done.

 

New Rule:

 

There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?

Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

 

New Rule:

 

Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.

And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.

Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security

crisis.

 

New Rule:

 

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

 

New Rule:

 

I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

 

New Rule:

 

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

 

New Rule:

 

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.

It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

 

New Rule:

 

I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

 

New Rule:

 

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

 

New Rule:

 

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

 

New Rule: and this one is long overdue:

 

No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with GeorgeMichael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands

 

 

 

.

 

>

 

>New Rule:

 

>When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27

 

>Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't

 

>really care in the first place.

 

>

 

>New Rule:

 

>If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better

 

>than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every

 

>available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do

 

>you want fries with that?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 604
  • Created
  • Last Reply

The pessimist says "Why me"

 

and the optimist says "Why not me"

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

 

------------------------------------------------

 

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a

table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

--Karl

Fulltimer in training

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

 

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she put on her robe and ran out to the driveway. She brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Ed has been missing since Friday

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Yes, there really is a COOL, California.

Judy, Luke, and GSD Miss Shade

SKP# 89390 - Boomers, SKP Elks, SKP Geocachers, Chapt. 8

CoolRVers on the Road Blog

Selling 2007 Itasca Horizon 40TD and 06 Honda CR-V

2019 Dynamax Isata 3 Series 24FW

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As the story goes, the word can be traced back to merchant sailing vessels from the 17th to 19th century. Supposedly, bales of dry manure were once transported in the holds of these ships. If the bales were stored low enough, they would come into contact with water that inevitably leaked into the bilge. The water would then cause the manure to decompose, creating methane gas as well as a rather bad odor. The unlucky sailor sent to investigate the smell would of course take with him a candle or lantern to light the dark area below deck. The open flame would ignite the methane/air mixture in the confined space, causing a massive explosion and sinking the ship. When the cause of these strange accidents was discovered, bales of manure to be transported by ship were marked "store high in transit" to remind those loading them to keep them above the bilge water. This was eventually shortened to "S.H.I.T." and this is how the story claims the word was born. While interesting, this story has little historical backing and most likely originates from a 1999 Usenet post

 

Well it just goes to show that sh&t happens

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, about mid eighties.

 

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

--Karl

Fulltimer in training

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It was taking sooooooo looooooong to down load here

that I picked up an old book "Braindroppings" by George Carlin

 

NOW I'm Smiling and think I'll just leave the book right here by my PC.

He's Funny and sees alot of things in life in a way that makes me smile.

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Chuckles, some old, some new (to me).

 

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

>

> 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

>

> 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

>

> 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

>

> 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

>

> 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

>

> 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

>

> 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

> "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

>

> 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

>

> 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

>

> 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

>

> 12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

>

> 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

>

> 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

>

> 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that

> you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

>

> 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in a open foyer."

>

> 18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

>

>

> 19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He

also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this

is so bad, it's good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

>

> 20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

tjones1935

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

 

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day..

 

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

 

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

 

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

 

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

 

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

 

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce?

 

Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!"

 

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

 

Moral of this story:

 

1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.

 

2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.

 

3. Seeing that you got this story via the world wide web, you're probably closer becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.

 

4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Will Rogers (1879 - 1935), quoted in Saturday Review, Aug. 25, 1962

38' 1996 Alfa Gold

FREE MASON Home Blue Lodge #64/Lake Havasu, AZ.

who said? "No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wisdom

 

 

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you..... If you upset her even more you get the silent treatmeant.

 

 

 

Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?

======================================================================

When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"

 

 

The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

tjones1935

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ahhh, a good computer funny... that means I can post something think is funny without being pummeled by the boss!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzVav21JWZc

 

You Windows folks watch your typing fingers!

First rule of computer consulting:

Sell a customer a Linux computer and you'll eat for a day.

Sell a customer a Windows computer and you'll eat for a lifetime.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

 

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

 

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

 

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!†says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

 

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

 

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

 

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

 

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

 

Moral of this story....

 

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

--Karl

Fulltimer in training

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers . . .

Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backs up. It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

 

 

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

 

 

"Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer . . .

 

"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replies.

tjones1935

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Joys and Concerns session one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

 

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new. "

 

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."

 

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the

congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill.

 

That word is: STERNUM!"

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Yes, there really is a COOL, California.

Judy, Luke, and GSD Miss Shade

SKP# 89390 - Boomers, SKP Elks, SKP Geocachers, Chapt. 8

CoolRVers on the Road Blog

Selling 2007 Itasca Horizon 40TD and 06 Honda CR-V

2019 Dynamax Isata 3 Series 24FW

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's funny, Judy. Here's another along the same lines, but this time, it's TRUE. Honest! Our granddaughter, Maddy, has just turned 9. Several months ago, when their minister asked for 'Joys and Concerns', Maddy (with no prior discussion with her parents) popped up and briskly walked down the center aisle to the front of the church. Not a large place, so she didn't need a microphone, but her voice is strong and confident. She explained that she had recently had both a concern AND a joy. First, the concern, Maddy informed everyone, and went on to describe how worried she had been about the grade she just knew she was going to be getting in one of her classes. Maddy's not afraid to speak in public, so her 'concern' was accompanied by lots of facial expression and hand waving. Just as her 'audience' was feeling sorry for her and some were wishing her a better time next semester, Maddy said, "but wait.... I have a JOY, too! I got an A in that class!!" This last was shouted out with GLEE!!! Her Nanna has a JOY, too..... Maddy & her sister, Jamie!! Love those girls!

 

Lee

My Photo Albums: www.leejacobs.org

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower-Cooter, Pete and K.C.

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is

killed instantly.

 

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn,

Someone should go and tell his wife."

 

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

 

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

 

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

 

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

 

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she

gave you beer?"

 

Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to

her, "You must be Cooter's widow'."

 

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said

"I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

 

 

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff

tjones1935

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer you have an electrical problem.

.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

From the mouths of babes...

 

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

 

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

 

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

 

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

 

*********************************************

 

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

 

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

 

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

 

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

 

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

--Karl

Fulltimer in training

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Five Bucks

 

Bill Clinton started jogging near his

New home in Chappaqua.

 

But on each run he happened to jog

Past a hooker standing on the same

Street corner, day after day.

 

With some apprehension he would brace

Himself as he approached her for what

Was most certainly to follow.

 

47s156a.gif

 

"Fifty dollars!" she would cry

Out from the curb.

 

"No, Five dollars!"

Fired back Clinton .

 

 

This ritual between Bill and the

Hooker continued for days.

 

 

He'd run by and she'd yell,

"Fifty dollars!"

 

And he'd yell back,

"Five dollars!"

 

One day however,

Hillary decided that she

Wanted to accompany her

Husband on his jog!

 

 

As the jogging couple neared the problematic

Street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would

Bark her $50 offer and Hillary would

Wonder what he'd really

Been doing on all his past outings.

 

He realized he should have a

Darn good explanation

For the junior Senator.

 

 

As they jogged into the turn that would

Take them past the corner,

Bill became even more apprehensive

Than usual.

 

Sure enough,

There was the hooker!

 

 

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes

As she watched the pair jog past.

Then,

 

From the sidewalk,

 

The hooker yelled...

See what you get for five bucks!?"

2000 New Horizons 33-ft FW

2005 3500 Dodge Cummins LB Dually

SKP# 87467 - Current Location

http://puedocrear.blogspot.com

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tears to Your Eyes

 

It is the time of year when stories of caring between man and

 

humanity are important..... I truly love this story and it will

 

surely bring a tear to your eye! I know it did mine.

 

 

 

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from

 

Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across

 

a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The

 

elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

 

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found

 

a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as

 

gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting

 

knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The

 

elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on

 

its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

 

 

 

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

 

 

 

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

 

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

 

 

 

Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his

 

teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the

 

creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son

 

Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted

 

its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did

 

that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the

 

man.

 

 

 

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if

 

this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed

 

over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked

 

right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

 

 

 

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of

 

Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him

instantly.

 

 

 

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

2000 New Horizons 33-ft FW

2005 3500 Dodge Cummins LB Dually

SKP# 87467 - Current Location

http://puedocrear.blogspot.com

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First Time Sex

 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time

 

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

icon_eek.gif

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Yes, there really is a COOL, California.

Judy, Luke, and GSD Miss Shade

SKP# 89390 - Boomers, SKP Elks, SKP Geocachers, Chapt. 8

CoolRVers on the Road Blog

Selling 2007 Itasca Horizon 40TD and 06 Honda CR-V

2019 Dynamax Isata 3 Series 24FW

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and

say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it

turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

 

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....

They will remember.

 

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

 

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You

know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.

Let's go!"

 

We went to lunch.

But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.

We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

 

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such abeautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner."

 

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if

youdon't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.

I'll be right back."

"Ok," I nervously replied.

 

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out

carrying a huge birthday cake .Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, allsinging "Happy Birthday.

 

And I just sat there...

 

On the couch...

 

Naked.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked.

 

When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

 

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two.

And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six.

And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four ... "

 

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"

 

The woman answered, " Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

It has been a while since some "smiles" were added here. Hope these make you smile:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're it.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.

 

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

 

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

 

THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEKEND

 

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

 

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

 

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

 

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

 

But Most Of All, Remember

A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find,

Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Yes, there really is a COOL, California.

Judy, Luke, and GSD Miss Shade

SKP# 89390 - Boomers, SKP Elks, SKP Geocachers, Chapt. 8

CoolRVers on the Road Blog

Selling 2007 Itasca Horizon 40TD and 06 Honda CR-V

2019 Dynamax Isata 3 Series 24FW

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


RVers Online University

campgroundviews.com

RV Destinations

Find out more or sign up for Escapees RV'ers Bootcamp.

Advertise your product or service here.

The Rvers- Now Streaming

RVTravel.com Logo



×
×
  • Create New...